Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[spacekitty]

And here's my favorite Halloween joke:

Why don't Witches wear underwear??

They get a better grip on the broom!!





(but they can get some nasty splinters... lol!!)

 

[Jackal3]

What do you call a blond skeleton in the closet???

Winner at Hide-n-go-seek!

 

[danbob987]

Haha Halloween jokes!!!! Love Halloween!

 

[Metadeath]

So a preacher invites the father over for dinner, upon bringing the food to the table and sitting down he starts eating. "Man these are the best sonsofab*tches i ever had"...shocked the preacher say "Father! your a man of the cloth! I have never heard you use such language." The father replys" No no no no its the name of the fish" so the preacher quite impressed says "Yea your right these are some good sonsofab*tches. Now i got the bishop comming in next week we should invite him over for some fish"

So the next week the Father, the Preacher, and the bishop are all eating at the fathers house. "These are some good sonsofb*tches" the preacher said. "Oh ill agree these are the best sons of b*tches i ever had " replyed the preacher. Mortified the bishop looks at both of them and says "You guys are honorable men....i never heard such lanuage coming from religious men such as yourselves !" The Father replys " No NO no, its ok its just the name of the fish"....intrigued the bishop says "These are good sonsab*tches. Well now i got the pope comming in next week for dinner, we should make these for him."

So the Father, the preacher, the bishop and the pope are all eating dinner together the next week, sitting at the table the Father says "Man these sonsofb*itches are geat", the preacher replys "Best sonsab*tches yet" bishop chimes in with a "I love these sonsab*tches!"
The pope looks around, sits down his fork and knife and says "Ya know what? You mother.....ers are all right!"

 

[Lazerrred]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked
the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolm an on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Besie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the heck would you say?

 

[Lazerrred]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"



Then I hear the guy say nervously...

*

*

*

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

 

[Lazerrred]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and says to the other:
''Does this taste funny to you?''

 

[cosmic charlie]

How many kids with add does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?

 

[cosmic charlie]

What do pirates say when trick or treating?
Tirck arrg treat!

 

[Mathew R Taylor]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"



Then I hear the guy say nervously...

*

*

*

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

*Sigh* I don't know if that's funny at all, as I was that guy answering questions

 

[Lazerrred]

*Sigh* I don't know if that's funny at all, as I was that guy answering questions

 

[Fynlcut]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me
for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ... and shout,
"WHO'S HORNY"..." and she acts like she is asleep every time.

 

[paise]

Here's 2 blind jokes I heard when I was on class for my first guide dog. 1st is worded "seeing eye dog" but Seeing Eye dog is like using the word Xerox. Seeing Eye is a guide dog school so their dogs are "Seeing Eye dogs b/c they come from Seeing Eye; I didn't attend Seeing Eye, in Morrisville/Morristown (can't recall where in NY it is off the top of my head). I went to another school in NY on Long Island. It was the friends I made there who helped me overcome the problems of losing my sight as an adult & they did so by joking around, including blind jokes, which my dad hates but I find quite funny. My closest blind friend, I'll refer to as JK, helped me handle my husband's adjustments to my blindness and having a guide dog as well as handling blindness for myself and regaining my independence I once wore like a shield of armor but somehow fell off after I lost my sight. He kept me laughing and I learned that the only way to approach blindness without falling into a pity party that will never end b/c there's no cure for the retinal disease I have let alone the autoimmune diseases that contribute to the loss of sight along with the medicine that slows the progress of the lupus is to actually laugh about it and take it in stride:

Joke 1:

Two men are walking their dogs when they come across a bar. It's hot out and they want a beer but there's a sign on the door that states, No Pets Allowed.

Man #1 tells Man #2 to watch and learn as he opens the door and goes inside with his dog, sits at the bar, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Hey man, you can't keep that dog in here so you're going to have to leave."

Man #1 responds, "But I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog."

Bartender replies, "Oh, okay." So he serves him his beer, which he drinks down then pays the tab and walks out the door where he runs into Man #2, grins and winks at him before walking down the sidewalk toward home.

Man #2 enters the bar where he sits at the bar and orders a cold beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry man but you're going to have to leave because you can't have that dog in here. No pets are allowed."

Man #2 says, "But I'm blind. This is my seeing eye dog."

The bartender replies, "Really? Since when are Chihuahua's seeing eye dogs?"

Man #2 quickly ponders a response. "What? Are you kidding me? They gave me a Chihuahua?!!!!!!"

end of joke 1


Joke 2

Question: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

Answer: On a blind date.

end of joke 2



These aren't offensive to me and I am blind so I don't imagine they'd be offensive to anyone else; in the little over a year that I've been at ECF, I haven't run across anyone else who is blind so I presume I'm the only one. Besides, these jokes actually helped me laugh when I was over a 1000 miles from home, blind, and learning to depend on a dog to get me from point A to point B when I had trouble trusting anyone else including myself. My blind dorm-mates helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. I was a new mother with a child who had just turned a year old and another who had just turned 11 years old. I felt so out of my depth but these wonderful group of people taught me so much. Their support, laughter, and friendship gave me back my life, albeit it wasn't the one I had before but it was something I could hold onto and mold my new life into something I could live with on my terms despite my blindness. They were my salvation, so to speak, that helped me find an inner strength I had forgotten I possessed, which is a debt I will never be able to pay back even if I live to be 100yrs old, which isn't likely because of lupus and Sjogren's but I can be hopeful regardless....

Hope my entry counts toward the contest... Good luck to everyone.

Paise

 

[the_larch]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"
The wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

[Buckeye Gal]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *ss kissing will take you.

*-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull..... and *ss kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[firhill]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"
The wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Why don't you at least take the time to read the jokes already posted (see post #60) and then you won't be clogging up the thread by posting the same joke more than once?

 

[Buckeye Gal]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally walks up to her and asks tentatively; "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling at the top of her lungs; "No I wont sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is staring at them. Naturally the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says; "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!!"

 

[the_larch]

Why don't you at least take the time to read the jokes already posted (see post #60) and then you won't be clogging up the thread by posting the same joke more than once?

My apologies. It came in an email and I laughed thus I posted.

 

[Circumspice]

Two Rice University students became fast friends during their four years of undergrad studies. One of them went on to Harvard for his graduate studies and the other remained at Rice. They kept in close contact throughout the intervening years.

One year the Harvard man invited the Rice man to visit him at the Harvard campus. Arrangements were made for the two friends to meet at the cafeteria on campus.

When the Rice grad student arrived at Harvard, he stopped a man and asked "Where is the cafeteria at?" The man, obviously a Harvard student, sniffed in a haughty manner and announced "My dear man, we here at Harvard do not end our sentences with prepositions!" The Rice student thought for a moment and said "Ah! Allow me to rephrase my question then... Where is the cafeteria at... A$$HOLE?"

 

[Lazerrred]

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

''So, you've been out drinking again!!''

''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.

''The pub called...you left your wheelchair again.''