I need some encouragement ECF!

[BiffRocko]

I came to the realization this weekend that, to preserve my sanity, I have to leave my wife. My stress level is through the roof and I smoked two packs of cigarettes since Saturday. I can't seem to stop right now. I don't want to be a smoker again on top of having to get divorced. Please, help, ECF. I need your words of encouragement now more than ever.

 

[lynleestar]

wow, so sorry to hear that! I'm pretty sure you have an entire forum rooting for ya~!

 

[AlmightyGod]

That sucks dude!
I had to dump a wife once too.
Here I am 17 years later & it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Hindsight is 20/20...

 

[BiffRocko]

Thanks, lynlee and AG. As much as I don't want to make it, I know this is a good decision. I'm just having a hard time not tacking a bad decision (smoking) on top of it.

 

[keyzygirl]

I had to leave my first hubs cuz he was a complete jerk,now I have a wonderful husband and 3 great kids,life goes on and gets better when you do what needs to be done.Smoking isnt going to help you.Looking into your heart and following what it tells you will.Take some time to think and figure out whats best for you.But vape while your doing it.

 

[leannebug]

I had to kick two idiots to the curb. The second was a no brainer (abuse) but the first jerk was a real heartbreak and on top of it we had a kid. He was begging to be forgiven. Blah de blah blah. I spent two solid weeks sleeping and then a lot of counselling and soul searching to come to the realization that it was the best decision to make at the time (and as it turned out it was the best decision all around)

What helped me the most was to make a list (I know it sounds corny but it worked). My biggest obstacle was that we had a kid together. But when I made my list and really looked at it; not only did I have way more on the 'not' side, but I also had the same reasons -to leave- as I did to stay (for the kid). That sealed the deal.

Ultimately it's YOUR decision. Do what YOU want and what YOU need. Then it's much easier to come to terms and find peace with your choices.

I wish you the best of luck. Many here have been through tough times. So lean on us.


Sent from my pod

 

[classwife]

Sorry to hear this. A very rough road for you. You will get through it. Many of us have been there....

You are in such a place now that you don't need to beat yourself up for smoking too....you can always vape when the time is right...

hmmm...Try to remind yourself how good vaping tastes ??

Peace of mind to you.....

 

[fivefivesix]

how old are you guys? any kids?

 

[Justice]

.....y I feel for you. Been there done that. Sounds like nows the time to quit. It's a little different but I recently lost a long time job 20 years and had planned on starting vaping but didn't think I could start at that time. Well I did a couple days after but close enuf. Within less than two weeks I was completely off the analogs. And now I vape only. It's a good time for you to make that change all at the same time. Best wishes to you I know if you want it you can do it. Believe in your self don't listen to your minds little tricks.

 

[BiffRocko]

Thanks, everyone. We had the discussion yesterday and both agreed it was time to end it. I chain smoked like a fiend afterwords, but now I'm feeling like crap and remembering why I switched in the first place. I'm going to stick with the vape as much as I can and will do my best to not beat myself up over smoking for now. (Thanks for that, classwife.)

fivefivesix, I am 36. She is 34. She has a son, but we never had children together. We never brought property together either.

We still love each other. We just couldn't stay married and both be happy. There's not much anger on either side. She couldn't believe I stayed with her as long as I did and didn't blame me for leaving. So, I'm expecting/hoping that we'll make it easy on each other in the divorce. We always kept our finances separate and only shared a savings account that has $15 in it. The only things we bought together were a motor home (which I hate and she loves), a bedroom set (which I'll take if she doesn't want it), and a gun safe (which I want because I'm the one who owns the guns). Everything else that's technically community property she either bought for herself, or I bought for myself.

 

[toto1013]

Lots of hugs and prayers Biff. Continue to vape, and smoke at those moments you just can't handle it without. Do not beat yourself up over it! You have other things at the moment other then stressing over having a cigarette.

 

[AlmightyGod]

Whatever you do, don't pine for her. Any woman who says she can't believe you stayed with her this long, was done with you already. Go out and get some "man pretty" done (tan, haircut, etc), blow off a couple hundred rounds of ammo, buy something "man-awesome", & leave her in the dust. You can do better, even if you're just hanging with the guys for awhile. Be grateful that you can make a clean break & don't have kids & assets. Give up the smokes, you started vaping for a reason. Besides, it's way cooler than smoking! Remember this phrase: " She was a selfish, self-centered ..... anyways."

 

[BiffRocko]

I can't believe you hit so many nails on the head without any real details, AG. She was done. She was the one who left. She either didn't realize it, couldn't admit it, or wanted to have her cake and eat it too. I was just the one who put the words to the ending. And though it wasn't a constant condition, she could most certainly be "a selfish, self-centered ......"

I'm not going to pine for her, but I do realize I need to grieve the loss. Remember the good times. Remember the bad times. Process the fact that she won't be my wife anymore. Build a vision for my future and eventually get back out there to put my chips on the table and play another hand.

Thankfully, since I announced our breakup on Facebook last night, lots of friends have come out of the woodwork to support me and offer help. One friend of mine keeps joking about having Craigapalooza (ala the movie Old School) to "release me back into the wild." I think I'd enjoy that quite a bit. lol

 

[AlmightyGod]

Hey man...different girl, same break-up! Don't spend too much time grieving & mulling it over. You can bet she isn't. Now she can pursue whoever it is she's been running around with, but with a clear conscience. You should hit the road to self improvement, as soon as possible. I'm telling you...man-tan, teeth whitening, manicure, etc...I know it sounds like stuff a chick would do, but that door swings both ways. If you have the cash...some new clothes are a good idea too. Go do some stuff you haven't done in awhile because she didn't like it. Take advantage of the situation. You are getting a second chance.
The only hard part, is going to be her kid. I know that's gotta be rough. I got divorced when my son was a baby & I took custody of him. Can't imagine what life would have been like the last 17 years without him. With that said...he isn't your kid. I know you may love him, but she isn't going to do anything to foster a relationship between the two of you. I don't have any good advice here, other than to remember his birthday & Christmas & take time to talk if he/she calls. Otherwise, .... out. It will save you a lot of pain in the long run. You still have plenty of time to find a nice lady who you can have mutual respect for & share a life.

I'm here if you need me!

 

[mortios]

Good luck with everything Biff. It sounds to me like you need to get a bottle of high nic content juice, 36 or if you can stand it 48mg. I use 36mg for times when I'm really stressed out. I call it my "I'm going to stab-a-b!tch" juice.

On a side note, if you have the finances for it and they don't scare the crap out of you, I'd recommend a motorcycle as well. There's no stress reliever out there like them. Hop on and ride a couple hundred miles and see if your outlook on life isn't improved at least temporarily.

 

[fivefivesix]

fivefivesix, I am 36. She is 34. She has a son, but we never had children together. We never brought property together either.

It will probably be tough on the boy, even if he did not like you, but still better for him than living in miserable household, think of this as a speeding ticket, and move on.


Be sure to learn the lesson here and don't do it again. Nothing that contributed to your breakup was unknown to you the day you gave her the ring, but you B.S.ed yourself, sorry to be so harsh, but you need to be cognoscente that fact or you will find yourself in the exact same relationship 5 years from now.

and a gun safe (which I want because I'm the one who owns the guns). Everything else that's technically community property she either bought for herself, or I bought for myself.

what you got in that safe? ehh? anything chambered in 5.56? that's one of my favorite rounds

 

[ShoeQueen]

I was just reading this thread, and it reminds me of a few friends who have gone through these exact situations. I just want to send you my support, and tell you the same things I told my friends when they experienced the same sad situation...

You deserve to be happy.
If all the bad out weighs the good, you have made the right decision.
Take some time for yourself, because if you don't know how to be good to yourself, you'll never know when someone is being good to you.
Mourn the loss, but don't revel in it. Time is still ticking, and the rest of your life awaits you.
Take strength in your friends and loved ones. These are the people that will help you get through this time.
And never forget there is someone out there for you, who is the perfect mate, and she's waiting for you to find her.

Let this positive change in your life be celebrated by going back to vaping. Put the analogs and your past behind you.
You are strong, and you will get through this. Let vaping be a symbol of your new life and a brighter future.

Take care, and be strong!

 

[BiffRocko]

A bottle of high nic content is definitely a good idea. I'm usually at 18, so I should probably mix up some 24. I've run out of cigarettes now, and I didn't buy a pack when I went out to grab dinner earlier, so that's some progress though.

I totally agree, fivefivesix. I knew what I was getting myself into and I fully own my part in what happened here. It's not like this is the first relationship I've had that's similar to this. I'm what you'd call a codependent. I very much want to fix myself though. I've already been to group therapy for it once this week and plan to find an individual therapist as well. This will be a continuance of five years of therapy that stopped around 2006.

It is going to be hard on her son. He knows that it's not his fault though, and that if he ever needs me, I'll be there for him.

Not sure if man-tan/manicure is my thing. I've got more of a bad boy, shaved head, full sleeve tattoos look going on. But I am going to start eating better and shed the weight I put on over the last few years. I'm also going to head to the gym and get back the muscle I had when she and I started dating.

I do have a motorcycle already, but I'm actually selling it. I haven't been riding it for a while now and I want to simplify my life and shed unnecessary possessions.

And yes, I do deserve to be happy. That's something I learned during those five years of therapy I mentioned. That's why I'm going back now. I don't want my next relationship to be like this. I want to be able to find that perfect mate and not be fooled again.

Thanks again to everyone for all your support!

--

No 5.56 in the gun cabinet unfortunately. Just a Ruger 10/22 and a S&W Sigma series .40 cal hand gun.

 

[AlmightyGod]

Bad boy or not, a day at the spa never hurt anyone! If you've never had a cute girl scrub your feet & cut your toenails...you're missing out! Not to mention a nice massage.(With or without the "happy ending" lol!) Sounds like a good time for a new tat, since you like them. I have ink & piercings too. They signify many accomplishments & battle scars. The gym sounds like a great idea. I go to Gold's Gym and put in a lot of miles on the treadmill. Don't sell off the bike quite yet...chicks dig 'em & they're too much fun to be without. Counseling is ok for someone to talk to, but remember that they only get paid if you go. Counselors don't do much, other than teach you how to look at yourself. They can't cure your pain anymore than a smoke or booze or drugs. You seem to have a grip on you are. You just gotta quit looking for someone to complete you. You are complete...God don't make no junk! Have a little fun & quit worrying. In a lot of ways, your life just got better. Keep Rockin' Man!

 

[zelda]

In times of high stress I think some of us turn to our "old friend" cigarettes. I've done it a few times along the way yet after the stress gets less returned to vaping. I don't think you should stress yourself even more by worrying too much about smoking. You already made the great decision to start vaping and I'm sure you'll return to it once things get more settled.

Just try to keep vaping along the way and hopefully you'll be all right. Best of luck.