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This was posted in a group by Tracy1....it's hysterical and gave me the giggles for about 30 minutes....Hope you enjoy !
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little jerk) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little jerk) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Here you go:
George Phillips , an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
George Phillips , an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ʇɥƃıuoʇ ǝɔınɾ ɐsnsɟ ǝʇıɹoʌɐɟ ǝɹǝɥʇ ƃuıʎoɾuǝ sı ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ ǝdoɥ ǝuo ʎɹǝʌǝ ƃuıuǝʌǝ pooƃ
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I was 'til you made me think I had drank too much wine already. Sheesh!
Because inquiring minds want to know.......
Interesting History from the 1500's
>
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
> used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
> Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive
> you were "Piss Poor"
>
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
> even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to
> piss in" & were the lowest of the low
>
> The next time you are washing your hands and complain
> because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
> think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
> the 1500s:
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their
> yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
> June.. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... .
> Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
> Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
> Married.
>
> Baths consis ted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
> of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
> all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
> children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
> dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the
> saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
> wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
> warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
> lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
> sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...
> Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
> house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
> and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
> afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
> existence.
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
> than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
> slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
> so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
> footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
> outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
> Hence: a thresh hold.
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
> kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit
> the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
> vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
> stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
> overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
> had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
> the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
> porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
> obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
> visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
> off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
> the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
> and would all sit around and chew the fat.
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high
> acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
> causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
> tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
> considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
> bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
> got the top, or the upper crust.
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
> would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
> Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
> prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
> table for a co uple of days and the family would gather
> around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
> up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running
> out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
> and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
> grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
> were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
> realized they had been burying people alive... So they would
> tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
> Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
> (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone
> could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
>
> And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
>
> So...get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these
> facts with a friend.
Interesting History from the 1500's
>
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
> used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
> Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive
> you were "Piss Poor"
>
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
> even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to
> piss in" & were the lowest of the low
>
> The next time you are washing your hands and complain
> because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
> think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
> the 1500s:
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their
> yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
> June.. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... .
> Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
> Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
> Married.
>
> Baths consis ted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
> of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
> all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
> children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
> dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the
> saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
> wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
> warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
> lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
> sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...
> Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
> house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
> and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
> afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
> existence.
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
> than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
> slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
> so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
> footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
> outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
> Hence: a thresh hold.
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
> kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit
> the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
> vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
> stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
> overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
> had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
> the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
> porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
> obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
> visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
> off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
> the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
> and would all sit around and chew the fat.
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high
> acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
> causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
> tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
> considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
> bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
> got the top, or the upper crust.
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
> would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
> Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
> prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
> table for a co uple of days and the family would gather
> around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
> up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running
> out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
> and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
> grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
> were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
> realized they had been burying people alive... So they would
> tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
> Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
> (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone
> could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
>
> And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
>
> So...get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these
> facts with a friend.
Free, I'm reading your colonoscopy joke at 2am. I think I'll wake up the entire house I'm laughing so hard!!!
Pam
Pam
True story. A guy here in California received a traffic citation in the mail along with a picture of him running a red light. The fellow sent the judge a picture of himself, standing in front of his car, holding a check for the fine, Needless to say, a warrant was issued and he had to face the judge in person.
I'm NOT going even read this thread....yet! I get into enough trouble LOL reading the "straight" threads.
the colonoscopy joke is the Bomb Im having to read it twice im sure I missed some through the tears ROLMAO
A Really Bad Day
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. 'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. 'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
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