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I met the Surgeon General, Regina Benjamin. She offered me a cigarette.
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OK....This is a political joke , but it's so funny. I'm not a real political person so I hope this is not offensive to anyone and if so, i apologize in advance.
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi ."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi ."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
LMFAO!! I've actually done similar with my daughter while she was in her bedroom and I was in diningroom.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom,
and finds a stranger on top of his wife.
He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "See? I told
you he always asks stupid questions."
and finds a stranger on top of his wife.
He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "See? I told
you he always asks stupid questions."
Glad to be drunk (I found this on the web)
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Calm Granddad
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there,
boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as
his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little .......'s
name is Kevin."
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there,
boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as
his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little .......'s
name is Kevin."
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawn mower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of .... lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of .... chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volt s and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Please die'. But noooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right .... cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum..... now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawn mower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of .... lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of .... chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volt s and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Please die'. But noooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right .... cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum..... now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....
A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news.
Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.
That's terrible, said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me!
The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,
bullet
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
bullet
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
bullet
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
bullet
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
bullet
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....
A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news.
Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.
That's terrible, said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me!
The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,
bullet
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
bullet
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
bullet
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
bullet
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
bullet
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
There were some really "breathtaking" moments in this thread, but I have to say that I'm glad that I wasn't drinking anything while reading the colonoscopy story!!!
Gotta love the papa bear he sent it to me its a keeper! I have read it a couple of time now it just makes me giggle!! P.S. I was raised on a farm hehehe thank god we did not have that strong of a "hot wire box" im not sure I would have made it past the age of ten
Why women should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
(I got this in an email...honest...didn't happen to me! lol)
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times!
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when smashed....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!!!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'....he didn't seem mad in the least.
Whew! I got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock".
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said "Oh sh it!". Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Hahaha...........thought we needed something to read between refreshes waiting on the sale!
(I got this in an email...honest...didn't happen to me! lol)
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times!
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when smashed....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!!!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'....he didn't seem mad in the least.
Whew! I got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock".
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said "Oh sh it!". Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Hahaha...........thought we needed something to read between refreshes waiting on the sale!
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