Laughter....Post a Joke, A funny..Anything to make us smile :)

[Tracey1]

Underwear dust
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ....!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied .....'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

 

[btngchck]

Tracey1 you are a flippin riot!!!ROFLMAO

 

[WhatAClumsyGirl]

Alot of you have probably seen this....but watch the 1st video first..then the 2nd.

 

[VRubin]

lmfao.. clumsy.. I know what those are before I even play them. I actually have the remix on my phone...

ahh I <3 you girl LOL

 

[Ru42]

That song is quite catchy. Ranks up there with Gen Larry Platt's song; Pants On The Ground.

 

[Sallana]

I love that song

 

[bluedove3]

RE: Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented..
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?


Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.


Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[VRubin]

rofl, im sooo copying that and sending it to my husband

 

[Fudgey]

I am giving this to my boss for when she gets po'd at our human resources dept!!

 

[Ru42]

2 guys walk into a bar


You'd think one of them would have ducked.

 

[Pharaoh]

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of ejuice.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in ejuice --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, vape and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

[Vermonster13]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

[tgcrna]

OTBG: The best meal I ever had, followed by the graphic arts humor, had me in tears, I was laughing so hard!!! Thanks!

 

[tranced]

Ok, so it's come time for this family to admit that they're going to have to put their father into a nursing home so they start touring facilities. While they meet with the admissions coordinator, their father is wheeled off to an activity. They peek in on him and he's sitting in his wheelchair, and starts leaning to the right. An aide promptly helps get him straightened up. A while later they see him off at bingo and he starts to lean to the left. An aide promptly helps get him straightened up. They finish up their tour and pick up their father as he's participating in an ice cream social. In the car they ask him how he liked the food. 'Oh my, the food was wonderful' he said. 'Did you find anyone interesting to talk with'? 'Yes dears, I found the most interesting people there'. Again with more questions 'how was the food'? 'The food was amazing, I would never cook up such variety living alone'. 'Well dad, are you ready to move in?' 'Oh hell no!!' he said, the first time showing any disagreement. 'All day I've been trying to but they just won't let me fart!'

 

[tranced]

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just .... my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have .... my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[tranced]

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

 

[Tracey1]

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem ...... off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh!$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[otbg]

 

[Gunjji]

Two blondes are walking down the sidewalk, when they come across a makeup compact.

First blonde opens it and says, "Hey, she looks familiar"

Second blonde says, Let me see. She looks in it and says, "Yea dummy, its me!!"

 

[Ciego]

And you think you've had bad days... Long.

Dear Mr. Hobart:

I understand that official company policy requires all employees to notify Administration if they will be absent, and that all absences of more than two days must be justified via a written memo, prferrably from a medical, legal, psychiatric or clergy professional.

I ask that in my case, punitive action not be taken against me

On Tuesday last I was opening a large potted palm that had been delivered by the nursery in the living room of our home. When I cut the burlap around the root ball, a huge tropical snake of some kind slithered out into the open. Even though the snake was apparently more frightened than I, and made a quick slither to safety under the sofa, I shrieked in terror.

My husband, who had just undressed to get into the shower heard my cries and ran to my aid. I pointed, stammered"s-n-nn-nake!" and my brave husband ran to get a broom handle with which to kill the slithery invader.

Down on all fours, naked he peered under the sofa wwhen Doober, our black lab came into into the room to see what all the fuss was about. Seeing my husband naked with buttocks presented, Doober decided to greet my husband as dogs do.

My husband, thinking he had just been "tainted" by the snake, promptly fainted. I of course, presumed heart attack and called 911.

The EMT guys carried my husband through the front door. Halfway down the stairway, the recently emerged serpent startled the emergency responders, who promptly dropped the gurney onto its side. My husband's left forearm was broken in six places.

Upon his return from X-rays and getting a cast at the Emergency Room and emboldened by a number of painkillers, he and three friends grabbed a beer and naturally, began to talk lawsuit.

The discussion escalated into an elated plan to buy a new ATV. Certain of a massive settlement from both the county and the greenhouse which initially delivered the snake-infested plant. The foursome headed out to Mondo Jimmy's Danger-Shred Motors and bought a 750 c.c. 4-wheeler. (receipts attached).

Unable to drive with the left arm in a cast, my husband had to settle for parking the vehicle on our deck, immediately outside our living room.

He couldn't drive the ATV and obviously had no desire to do so, but the temptation to fire it up and rev the engine was more than he could resist.

The ATV fired up on the first attempt. And the clutch slipped, the Atv pushing off the deck and through the sliding glass door and into the living room. My husband was badly cut and he feared, now had another broken arm.

While my husband was being attended to in the ER, I attempted to clean up approximately 1 cup of gasoline that had leaked from a loosened fuel line. I used toilet paper, and without thinking, flushed the toilet paper down the stool.

It is unfortunate that I forgot that gasoline floats on top of water. It is also unfortunate that my husband smokes.

When he returned from the hospital, he sat on the toilet for a moment of privacy. He enjoyed a cigarette, then dropped the smoldering but between his legs, igniting the floating gasoline still in the bowl. The force of the blast shattered the porcelain, and my husband's posterior was severely burned. The urologist is still unsure about the rest.

For the third time in two days, I called 911. The ambulance crew arrived promptly and tended expertly to my husband's numerous and serious injuries. Once my husband had been stabilized and loaded on the gurney, the crew carefully maneuvered my husband through the front door. The EMT stumbled on the welcome mat, and the gurney fell sideways. Again. This time, it was my husband's right hand and wrist that were broken.

I hope this adequately explains why I missed work last Tuesday and Wednesday.

Respectfully,

Mrs. B. Ciego