Laughter....Post a Joke, A funny..Anything to make us smile :)

[asharp22]

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!"

 

[asharp22]

And from the BF just this morning via e-mail:

I actually recently had this bathroom adventure. I went to this urinal to, you know, urinalate, and this guy comes to the urinal, like, right next to me. You girls probably don't know this, but if a guy comes to the urinal right next to you, and there's, like, plenty of other urinals to go to, you always glance over to make sure he's not looking at your stuff, right? 'Cause it's yours. But the weird thing was that he glanced over and I glanced over at the same time, so we met eyes. I know -- that was weird. So, I kissed him

 

[Satharra]

And from the BF just this morning via e-mail:

I actually recently had this bathroom adventure. I went to this urinal to, you know, urinalate, and this guy comes to the urinal, like, right next to me. You girls probably don't know this, but if a guy comes to the urinal right next to you, and there's, like, plenty of other urinals to go to, you always glance over to make sure he's not looking at your stuff, right? 'Cause it's yours. But the weird thing was that he glanced over and I glanced over at the same time, so we met eyes. I know -- that was weird. So, I kissed him

Hehe, that's pretty funny. I've had to learn all the in's and out's of men's bathroom etiquette of late. Evidently my husband works with someone who seems to like to take the urinal right next to you and then proceed to talk to you all the while. Come to find out that both of these acts are huge gaffes in urinal etiquette.

Boys are funny.

 

[Satharra]

So, I'm standing in the kitchen watching my husband core some jalapenos and stuff them with cream cheese. (These are really tasty grilled.) He's working away and suddenly stops, intensely washes his hands and uses the nail brush to get under his fingernails, and scampers off to the bathroom.

He comes back and washes his hands again. Intrigued at this rather OCD-like show of cleanliness, I ask him why he washed his hands before he went to the bathroom when he was just going to have to wash them again when he came back.

He looked at me like I had grown a second head and says,"Satharra, I understand that you don't have to hold anything in your hands when you pee besides the toilet paper. Men aren't quite made that way. I learned the hard way a long time ago to wash your hands after handling jalapenos and before handling other things..."

He goes back to working over his jalapenos while that sinks in. I start giggling up a storm at that mental picture. He grumbles a bit and shushes me. Then adds,"Dunking your tweeter in milk doesn't help either. I literally ran to the store to buy some to try it. It burned for 2 days straight. That skin down there is sensitive!"

At that point I lost it. I can just imagine a poor man hobbling around a store trying to find milk for his burning private area.

 

[Ru42]

So, I'm standing in the kitchen watching my husband core some jalapenos and stuff them with cream cheese. (These are really tasty grilled.) He's working away and suddenly stops, intensely washes his hands and uses the nail brush to get under his fingernails, and scampers off to the bathroom.

He comes back and washes his hands again. Intrigued at this rather OCD-like show of cleanliness, I ask him why he washed his hands before he went to the bathroom when he was just going to have to wash them again when he came back.

He looked at me like I had grown a second head and says,"Satharra, I understand that you don't have to hold anything in your hands when you pee besides the toilet paper. Men aren't quite made that way. I learned the hard way a long time ago to wash your hands after handling jalapenos and before handling other things..."

He goes back to working over his jalapenos while that sinks in. I start giggling up a storm at that mental picture. He grumbles a bit and shushes me. Then adds,"Dunking your tweeter in milk doesn't help either. I literally ran to the store to buy some to try it. It burned for 2 days straight. That skin down there is sensitive!"

At that point I lost it. I can just imagine a poor man hobbling around a store trying to find milk for his burning private area.

That is way too funny!

 

[VpnDrgn]

Maybe not funny funny but interesting.

A Short Neurological Test


1. Find the C below.

Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2. If you have found the C above, find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3. Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!
--
. . . . .. NOT DONE YET!! There's a PART 2!!


eonvrye that can raed this rsaie your hnad.

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.


Only great minds can read this.
This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it

 

[Ru42]

Hmmm, I dont know if I should be scared or not - I could find/read everything without a problem.

 

[Satharra]

Hmmm, I dont know if I should be scared or not - I could find/read everything without a problem.

Me too. Reminded me of the papers from my students when I used to teach high school.

Maybe they trained my mind to read dyslexically.

 

[Ru42]

I have been a top 5 fan for a long time. Occasionally they come out with a list that totally rocks:

September 2, 2010

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Another batch of has-beens and never-weres has
been selected as contestants for this season's
"Dancing With the Stars." But we at TopFive
think it's time the show got a more honest name.

The Top 5 Better Names for "Dancing With the Stars"
(Part I)


5> The Amazing Race to See Who's the Least Clumsy Fame-.....

4> I Thought He Was Dead!

3> Trip/F#$k

2> America's Most Taunted


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Better
Name for "Dancing With the Stars"...


1> Who Used to Be a Millionaire?



I don't know which one I like the most.

 

[Satharra]

I have been a top 5 fan for a long time. Occasionally they come out with a list that totally rocks:

September 2, 2010

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Another batch of has-beens and never-weres has
been selected as contestants for this season's
"Dancing With the Stars." But we at TopFive
think it's time the show got a more honest name.

The Top 5 Better Names for "Dancing With the Stars"
(Part I)


5> The Amazing Race to See Who's the Least Clumsy Fame-.....

4> I Thought He Was Dead!

3> Trip/F#$k

2> America's Most Taunted


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Better
Name for "Dancing With the Stars"...


1> Who Used to Be a Millionaire?



I don't know which one I like the most.

I've always thought it should be named:
Dancing with the Hasbeens, Wannabees, and Drama Queens

 

[VpnDrgn]

Doctors vs. Gun Owners
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services)
Now think about this:
Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is
80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is
.0000188 (Statistics courtesy of FBI)
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.




Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'




FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!



Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, We withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

 

[Ru42]

I enjoyed this, #3 killed me.


TopFive.com -- The Web's Best Original Humor ==================================================================


September 15, 2010


The Top 5 Sentences Using Celebrity Names as Verbs


5> "I shouldn't have eaten that bean burrito -- I Mariahed all
night!"

4> "My new pants are too long so I'll have to get them DeVitoed."

3> "Just when she thought that pesky yeast infection was over,
it Favred right back up again."

2> "Since Dad's stroke, he's really been Stalloneing his words."


and Topfive.com's Number 1
Sentence Using Celebrity Names as Verbs...


1> "Tiffany's in the bathroom MaryKate-in' that cheeseburger
she Kirstied at lunch."

 

[asharp22]

Q: how do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: unique up on it
Q how do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way

 

[asharp22]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

 

[VaporNebula]

So a Priest, Rabbi, and a Minister walk in to a bar. The Priest say's "hey did you hear the one about us?"

 

[Ru42]

So a Priest, Rabbi, and a Minister walk in to a bar. The Priest say's "hey did you hear the one about us?"

LMAO - that is too funny.

asharp - I love that joke; perfect for anyone that has/had little boys.

 

[Ru42]

@warped3k - just a side question: why were those 2 posts removed. Not complaining; I want to know the reason so I don't accidentally post something wrong. Thanks.

OK, thanks Mark for posting this. They were great. I looked at them and had to make some comments:

Jeez, I love old ads: FOXNews.com - Vintage Ads: What Were They (We) Thinking?

The numbers I list here corresponds with the ads on the link above:

1 - yes, but can I vape it
2 - yea, and get him beat up at school daily
12 - can you say wardrobe malfunction
15 - no comment
16 - is that a rope in your pocket or are you happy to see me
27 - Triple M? Looks more like DD to me
30 - say that and I would be sleeping in the doghouse
34 - Satharra; this is for you tonight
38 - doghouse part 2
46 - dang, I used one of those
51 - my comment would get me banned; I learned that from Lady B
52 - yea, that looks real safe
58 - wrong on just so many levels

 

[g33k]

Ru42, I know mine was removed (almost expected it to be, but wanted to try anyway) because there was some offensive language in the video. I pointed it out in my post as well, but guess it must have been too much. No worries on my part, but steer clear of foul language

 

[asharp22]

omg it took me so long to go through those and read your comments too... 58 is rotten!!!!!!wow!!!!!!

 

[The Rebel]

Tiger is a bit rusty, and figures he needs to practice a bit. He manages to sneak in a round of Golf just before closing. As he's heading back he runs into Stevie Wonder coming out of the clubhouse, and says "Excuse me."

"Hey, aren't you Tiger Woods?" Stevie says.

"Why yes, yes I am."

"I thought I recognized your voice. We should play some golf someday."

Tiger tries hard not to laugh, knowing that Stevie can only hear him, but finally has to ask.

"How in the world do you play Golf?"

"Oh, it's easy. I just tee up, then I have my caddy walk to where hole is and clap. Then, once I've hit the ball, he moves to the ball and whistles. I then walk to where he whistles, and he goes back to the hole. He even whistles a low note for a wood, a high note for the putter. Given my hearing, It works really well."

"Sure, that sounds um, like it might work."

Stevie frowns a bit. It's obvious Tiger isn't taking him seriously.

"Tell you what, if we play, I'll put a few dollars down on the game."

"I don't know, I am Tiger Woods after all. You sure you want to lose that money?"

"Well how about a million dollars?" Stevie asks.

Tiger looks astounded. The man is serious.

"Ok, sure. A million dollars on whoever wins. When do you want to play?"

"Any night this week."