Class...
Class...
CLASS!! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
OK, so I've read several diatribes regarding folks sitting in their leisure chairs waiting on the mailman for hours on end only to go outside for the 100th time to check the mail and find that he's slipped the long awaited package in the box whilst they were unaware. The hours and (sometimes) days these packages wait in the box are shameful to the vaping community in general as these devices and their collective accessories are not being used during these times.
This type of "stalking" is not only an embarrassment to the vaping community in general, it is highly ineffective.
Being a semi-professional mailman stalker, and having several professional certifications from Stealth Mail Carrier Observation and Package Delivery Tactics for Vapors, (SMCOPDTV) I've been asked to provide a few tips and tricks for truly effective mail carrier stalking techniques. this is the beginner's class so pay attention! The techniques and tactics we will cover will be required knowledge for the secondary class.
1. Be Proactive!
You cannot expect to sit on your proverbial laurels while watching the boob tube and catch the venerable mail carrier in the act of delivering your valuable packages. You have to get active!! Every time you remove your gaze from the delivery box, you risk missing the big moment.
You're going to have to get up and make some serious lifestyle changes before you can qualify to be called a halfway respectable stalker.
2. Know Your Terrain, and Dress For It!
First thing of importance is blending in with your surroundings. If you do not have bushes and trees near your mailbox, PLANT SOME! There are currently no good camo pattern for a brick wall or a freshly cut lawn. If you must, forego cutting the lawn so you have at least waist high grass to stalk from. If your neighbors complain, start a conversation with an invisible friend, start petting an invisible dog and start swinging wildly at invisible butterflies and they'll surely leave you alone.
A favorite of mine is the ghillie suit. This particular form of camo allows the wearer to take pieces of the naturally growing domestic foliage for placement into the suit itself. This allows for a more natural blending. One trick to test the effectiveness of your suit is to have a significant other (someone whom you trust) take the suit and place it outside on the ground in fair proximity of the bait (mailbox.) Then go out and try to find the suit. If you have to look more than 5 minutes for it, you have built a successful suit. Keep in mind, you'll want your significant other to mark the location on a GPS tracking device so they can find it as well.
3. Know Thine Adversary!
It is of utmost importance to casually observe your mail carrier for several days or even months prior to the stalk. You'll want to keep a detailed log of what they eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Make sure you know when they take restroom breaks and know when their days off or vacations will occur and track the daily routes of substitute carriers as well.
The LAST thing you want is an unexpected change of route or daily routine from a carrier you don't know. I have a serious amount of money tied up into my local postmaster general. I have found that they are very susceptible to being bought with a cash subsidy every month, and will give you every detail of the mail carrier's schedule and planned vacations. Make a note of these expected changes in your stalking log.
4. Make Some Changes!
A daily job, grocery store outings, trips to town with friends or loved ones, blinking, sleeping, eating, and going to the restroom are all activities that MUST be stopped for effective mail carrier stalking. All these menial tasks serve only to remove your focus from the mission. They are all details that can only serve to distract you and make you look like a fool in front of your vaping colleagues.
Some super glue to the eyelids and serious eye damage is a small price to pay to be a hero.
Final Observations...
Gone are the days of friendly, neighborhood mail carriers who would announce their arrival, hand you your packages, and bid you a good day. these days you must get creative about the duty of mailman stalking.
Today's mail carrier is a worthy opponent! They have been trampled by anxious vapors too many times to take their collective jobs lightly. They are a cunning, worthy beast for sure. Hopefully these tips and tricks will get you closer to your quarry so you'll never miss another delivery again.
If you have further questions, they may be addressed, one at a time in a neat order to my secretary. She will pre-read them and pass along the pertinent information as she sees fit, to me. I will then address them one at a time.
Tutoring and active stalking rehearsal classes will be scheduled on a first come-first served basis. There will be a final exam on the materials I have laid forth for you.
Class...
CLASS!! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
OK, so I've read several diatribes regarding folks sitting in their leisure chairs waiting on the mailman for hours on end only to go outside for the 100th time to check the mail and find that he's slipped the long awaited package in the box whilst they were unaware. The hours and (sometimes) days these packages wait in the box are shameful to the vaping community in general as these devices and their collective accessories are not being used during these times.
This type of "stalking" is not only an embarrassment to the vaping community in general, it is highly ineffective.
Being a semi-professional mailman stalker, and having several professional certifications from Stealth Mail Carrier Observation and Package Delivery Tactics for Vapors, (SMCOPDTV) I've been asked to provide a few tips and tricks for truly effective mail carrier stalking techniques. this is the beginner's class so pay attention! The techniques and tactics we will cover will be required knowledge for the secondary class.
1. Be Proactive!
You cannot expect to sit on your proverbial laurels while watching the boob tube and catch the venerable mail carrier in the act of delivering your valuable packages. You have to get active!! Every time you remove your gaze from the delivery box, you risk missing the big moment.
You're going to have to get up and make some serious lifestyle changes before you can qualify to be called a halfway respectable stalker.
2. Know Your Terrain, and Dress For It!
First thing of importance is blending in with your surroundings. If you do not have bushes and trees near your mailbox, PLANT SOME! There are currently no good camo pattern for a brick wall or a freshly cut lawn. If you must, forego cutting the lawn so you have at least waist high grass to stalk from. If your neighbors complain, start a conversation with an invisible friend, start petting an invisible dog and start swinging wildly at invisible butterflies and they'll surely leave you alone.
A favorite of mine is the ghillie suit. This particular form of camo allows the wearer to take pieces of the naturally growing domestic foliage for placement into the suit itself. This allows for a more natural blending. One trick to test the effectiveness of your suit is to have a significant other (someone whom you trust) take the suit and place it outside on the ground in fair proximity of the bait (mailbox.) Then go out and try to find the suit. If you have to look more than 5 minutes for it, you have built a successful suit. Keep in mind, you'll want your significant other to mark the location on a GPS tracking device so they can find it as well.
3. Know Thine Adversary!
It is of utmost importance to casually observe your mail carrier for several days or even months prior to the stalk. You'll want to keep a detailed log of what they eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Make sure you know when they take restroom breaks and know when their days off or vacations will occur and track the daily routes of substitute carriers as well.
The LAST thing you want is an unexpected change of route or daily routine from a carrier you don't know. I have a serious amount of money tied up into my local postmaster general. I have found that they are very susceptible to being bought with a cash subsidy every month, and will give you every detail of the mail carrier's schedule and planned vacations. Make a note of these expected changes in your stalking log.
4. Make Some Changes!
A daily job, grocery store outings, trips to town with friends or loved ones, blinking, sleeping, eating, and going to the restroom are all activities that MUST be stopped for effective mail carrier stalking. All these menial tasks serve only to remove your focus from the mission. They are all details that can only serve to distract you and make you look like a fool in front of your vaping colleagues.
Some super glue to the eyelids and serious eye damage is a small price to pay to be a hero.
Final Observations...
Gone are the days of friendly, neighborhood mail carriers who would announce their arrival, hand you your packages, and bid you a good day. these days you must get creative about the duty of mailman stalking.
Today's mail carrier is a worthy opponent! They have been trampled by anxious vapors too many times to take their collective jobs lightly. They are a cunning, worthy beast for sure. Hopefully these tips and tricks will get you closer to your quarry so you'll never miss another delivery again.
If you have further questions, they may be addressed, one at a time in a neat order to my secretary. She will pre-read them and pass along the pertinent information as she sees fit, to me. I will then address them one at a time.
Tutoring and active stalking rehearsal classes will be scheduled on a first come-first served basis. There will be a final exam on the materials I have laid forth for you.
I can't wait for class must go to the trap today! They are watching me, I feel it!
That was great 
