"Make 'em laugh" Contest by Vermillion River
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Another funny e-mail exchange...really funny.
Dear Jane, I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead.
Next time, I'll spend the money on drugs instead.
Holly!!!! Dang - I have been digging and digging for my copy of this! SO funny!
2nd entry...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
This to me is a bit humorus. I was babysitting my 4 year old granddaughter one Friday evening. As it started getting later, she started really getting rambunctious. She would stand on one end of the csofa and jump to the other end landing on her belly. One time she almost rolled off. I said, "Savannah be careful, Grandma doesn't want to see you get hurt." She turned, looked at me, waved her hand and said, "It's OK Gramma, close your eyes". Want to solve problems? Ask a kid, they have all the answers.
Old Gus you are a joy
To every VR girl and boy.
Your products are the best!
So many more I must test.
So don't change a thing.
From the juice I will wring
The flavor I most enjoy!
To every VR girl and boy.
Your products are the best!
So many more I must test.
So don't change a thing.
From the juice I will wring
The flavor I most enjoy!
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I dont know if this is funny or not for everyone, but last nite my wife woke up at 230 to see my 6 year old daughter's lamp on. She went to check on her and saw that my daughter had left a note for the tooth fairy. Apparently my daughter woke up and pulled out her loose front tooth and then wrote a note to the tooth fairy asking the tooth fairy to not take her tooth...because she wanted to show mommy and daddy her tooth lol thought that was pretty cute =)
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES...
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
At a nursing home the day shift nurses kept finding the older men lying on the floor each morning when they went to wake them.
After this continued a few mornings it suddenly stopped! When inquiring how it stopped suddenly,one of the new nurses said she just gave each one a ...... pill at bedtime!
No more rolling out of bed!
After this continued a few mornings it suddenly stopped! When inquiring how it stopped suddenly,one of the new nurses said she just gave each one a ...... pill at bedtime!
No more rolling out of bed!
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#8
A man went to Africa to do some game hunting.
While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide.
Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.
The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh,no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him.
He hollared at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.
Sure enough he dropped dead then and there.
The moral of this story is "If the foo s....s, wear it."
A man went to Africa to do some game hunting.
While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide.
Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.
The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh,no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him.
He hollared at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.
Sure enough he dropped dead then and there.
The moral of this story is "If the foo s....s, wear it."
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Every time I read these I laugh. My mom collected them long before computers existed.
BRINGS YOU
Funny insurance claims:
explanations and photos.
The statements below are taken from actual insurance accident claims forms. They are real, true (you can't make up this kind of stuff). Read 'em and laugh and be glad it wasn't you.
Each image in the left column is a small part of an actual accident photo reduced to thumbnail size. Click on one you'd like to see full size or start anywhere and go through the entire group.
Incidents with Pedestrians.
The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
Accidents with other vehicles.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)
Collisions, calamities, and injuries.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
Who is to Blame?
No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
BRINGS YOU
Funny insurance claims:
explanations and photos.
The statements below are taken from actual insurance accident claims forms. They are real, true (you can't make up this kind of stuff). Read 'em and laugh and be glad it wasn't you.
Each image in the left column is a small part of an actual accident photo reduced to thumbnail size. Click on one you'd like to see full size or start anywhere and go through the entire group.
Incidents with Pedestrians.
The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
Accidents with other vehicles.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)
Collisions, calamities, and injuries.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
Who is to Blame?
No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
#9
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
Rated "R" for language
PS. according to my uncle(retired cop), who was given a copy of this recording, before we even thought of "e-mail", this one is genuine, regardless of rumors.
PS. according to my uncle(retired cop), who was given a copy of this recording, before we even thought of "e-mail", this one is genuine, regardless of rumors.
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#10
There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street. His first day on the job, he awoke bright and early, went to the garage, got the bus, and set off on his route.
At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for the bus. She climbed the step and got on, and said,
"Hi. My name is Patty."
The driver replied,
"Hi, Patty. Please take a seat."
At the second stop there was a second little girl, even chubbier than the first. She got on and said,
"Good morning! My name's Patty."
The driver answered,
"Good morning. Please sit down."
At the third stop there was a little boy waiting. He was dressed in a white shirt and tie, and a suit with a vest, and he had a calculator holster on his belt. He said,
"Hi. My name is Ross, and I'm special!"
The driver wasn't impressed, but he managed a smile and said,
"Please sit down, Ross."
The fourth stop rewarded the driver with a grubby little boy with dirty jeans and torn sneakers. He got on the bus and said,
"My name is Lester Cheese."
The driver replied,
"Please take a seat, Lester."
Well, he's driving along and he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees that Lester Cheese has taken off his sneakers and is scratching at his foot. The driver pulls the bus over to the side of the rode, stops it, and says,
"I can't take this any longer! I've got
two obese Patties,
special Ross,
Lester Cheese picking bunions
on a Sesame Street bus!
There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street. His first day on the job, he awoke bright and early, went to the garage, got the bus, and set off on his route.
At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for the bus. She climbed the step and got on, and said,
"Hi. My name is Patty."
The driver replied,
"Hi, Patty. Please take a seat."
At the second stop there was a second little girl, even chubbier than the first. She got on and said,
"Good morning! My name's Patty."
The driver answered,
"Good morning. Please sit down."
At the third stop there was a little boy waiting. He was dressed in a white shirt and tie, and a suit with a vest, and he had a calculator holster on his belt. He said,
"Hi. My name is Ross, and I'm special!"
The driver wasn't impressed, but he managed a smile and said,
"Please sit down, Ross."
The fourth stop rewarded the driver with a grubby little boy with dirty jeans and torn sneakers. He got on the bus and said,
"My name is Lester Cheese."
The driver replied,
"Please take a seat, Lester."
Well, he's driving along and he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees that Lester Cheese has taken off his sneakers and is scratching at his foot. The driver pulls the bus over to the side of the rode, stops it, and says,
"I can't take this any longer! I've got
two obese Patties,
special Ross,
Lester Cheese picking bunions
on a Sesame Street bus!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs Hurt, I no
come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really Need you
today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my Wife and tell her to
give me Sex. That Makes everything Better and I go to work.. You try
that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You Say and I feel
Great. I be at work soon.........
By the way - You got Nice house'
Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs Hurt, I no
come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really Need you
today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my Wife and tell her to
give me Sex. That Makes everything Better and I go to work.. You try
that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You Say and I feel
Great. I be at work soon.........
By the way - You got Nice house'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzbURUrgQao&sns=em
Explicit content
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkw67GHlGgY&sns=em
Funny but not explicit
Explicit content
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkw67GHlGgY&sns=em
Funny but not explicit
This is perfect!
Have to click on it. I can't seem to enlarge it.
Have to click on it. I can't seem to enlarge it.
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