"Make 'em laugh" Contest by Vermillion River

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tyleris12

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#3 -

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
 

prole

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IDK GPS done gone'n broke
A mother and her young son spied a bowlegged man as they were going to market, her son pointed and exclaimed "Mother look at bowlegged son of *#%#@!!!!)

Aghast she sternly reprimanded him, made him apologize and returning home washed his mouth out with soap and made him read Shakespeare from after supper till bedtime. So that he might learn a lesson about cussing and learn to speak properly.

The following market day, they spied the same bow legged man, and the son rudely pointed and shouted "Mother there is that bowlegged (insert appropriate cuss word of your choice) again!!!!"
She made him apologize again, and even more infuriated upon returning again washed his mouth out with soap, sending him to his room without supper and to read Shakespeare till was bedtime.

This happened again over a few more market days, as the bowlegged man went to market on the same day and time it seemed.

The mother despaired that her son would just never learn, was prepared to cut him short before he would rudely gesture and shout out the poor bowlegged man's deformity... as they approached him yet again her son discretely inclined his head indicating the bowlegged man and asked 'Mother Please, what manner of men are these who were their testes in parenthesis?"
 
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DM

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Post #1
dm-albums-555-picture54392-funny.jpg
 

vikki59

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Bob's wife was mad.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box…gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

keelalagirl55

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#3

Wife wakes up to the sound of her husband sobbing in the living room at 3am. She asks him what's wrong? He said, do you remember when we were dating and you were just 16 yrs old? Wife gets a tear in her eye and says, YES it was so beautiful...Husband says, "and then your dad shoved a shotgun in my face and said marry her or you're going to prison for 20 yrs...(more sobs) I would have gotten OUT today!!!
 

DM

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Post #2 [/COLOR for the guys...........................
We always hear the rules from the girls side. Now hear the man rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say

4. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

5. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer .:laugh:
 

keelalagirl55

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#4

2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room, 1st kid asks, "What are you in here for?" 2nd kid says, "getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous. 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you Jello & ice cream. It's a breeze." 2nd kid asks, "What are you here for?"1st kid says, "circumcision." "Whoa!", the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!
 

DM

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Post #3
The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.
123776276.jpg
 

thehangdude

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#3

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
 

woody55

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#3

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

:laugh:
 

lynleestar

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#2

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a ...... and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
 
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