I just blogged about this, but then thought it might make a good post in the Success Story section too...
I've never written about this before, and have only talked about it with a few people, mainly because of how emotional I get when I think about it.
In October of 2009, my younger sister died from injuries she sustained during an epileptic seizure. It was sudden and traumatic and I ended up seeing a therapist and going to grief group counseling to get myself out of the sad place that I seemed to be stuck in most of the time.
On what would have been her 28th birthday in December of 2009, I made the decision that since I wasn't able to give her a birthday present, I would honor her memory by quitting smoking.
She had been a strong anti-smoking advocate, and was constantly encouraging (or harassing) any smoker she knew to quit the habit. For this reason I had always been pretty diligent about hiding my smoking from her. I figured that if I quit smoking it would be the best birthday present I could give her, and that although I might not be in the best emotional condition to give up nicotine, this would provide me with about the strongest motivation I could imagine to keep me off the tobacco.
I quit cold-turkey on her birthday. I told myself that I could do without the cigarettes and would never touch them again. I lasted about a month until one Saturday night I was hanging out and drinking with a group of friends who smoked, and I asked to bum a cigarette. I told myself that it would just be once and as long as I didnt start buying smokes again I wouldnt really be a smoker.
Im sure you can guess how that went. I bummed another cigarette about a month later, then another a few weeks later, and about five months after my quit date I found myself constantly seeking to hang out with my smoker friends just so that I could get cigarettes from them.
That went on for maybe a month until I admitted that the only person I was fooling was myself. So I started buying my own cigarettes again.
Its hard to explain how it felt when I bought my first pack after going for six months without purchasing any. It was kind of a relief to be able to have them without hitting up one of my friends for one, but on the other hand I felt such a deep sense of shame for not being able to keep my promise to my deceased sister. I suppose that anyone who has a harmful addiction that they continue to partake in has felt similarly. But this was almost like I had two battling attitudes in my head; one was kind of a rebellious F* you if you dont like what Im doing, I dont give a rats ... attitude, and the other one that I tried to suppress but was always there in the background: I am a loser piece of sh* who doesnt love my sister enough to follow through with my promise. I hated myself for that. I disgusted myself.
It was a month or a month and a half later that I discovered e-cigarettes through a couple of friends who had switched. I ordered one online and from the first moment I used it I knew I wouldnt go back to being a smoker. I had been so desperately trying not to smoke during that previous six months that it was like a miracle to be able to not smoke and not want to smoke at the same time.
And here I am almost nine months later still not wanting to smoke. Its so amazing to me. I know that when most people talk about the improvements in their lives since switching, they highlight all the physical health changes that they have experienced. While those have been good for me as well, I have to say the greatest thing that electronic cigarettes have done for me is mental and emotional.
I got my self-respect back.
I've never written about this before, and have only talked about it with a few people, mainly because of how emotional I get when I think about it.
In October of 2009, my younger sister died from injuries she sustained during an epileptic seizure. It was sudden and traumatic and I ended up seeing a therapist and going to grief group counseling to get myself out of the sad place that I seemed to be stuck in most of the time.
On what would have been her 28th birthday in December of 2009, I made the decision that since I wasn't able to give her a birthday present, I would honor her memory by quitting smoking.
She had been a strong anti-smoking advocate, and was constantly encouraging (or harassing) any smoker she knew to quit the habit. For this reason I had always been pretty diligent about hiding my smoking from her. I figured that if I quit smoking it would be the best birthday present I could give her, and that although I might not be in the best emotional condition to give up nicotine, this would provide me with about the strongest motivation I could imagine to keep me off the tobacco.
I quit cold-turkey on her birthday. I told myself that I could do without the cigarettes and would never touch them again. I lasted about a month until one Saturday night I was hanging out and drinking with a group of friends who smoked, and I asked to bum a cigarette. I told myself that it would just be once and as long as I didnt start buying smokes again I wouldnt really be a smoker.
Im sure you can guess how that went. I bummed another cigarette about a month later, then another a few weeks later, and about five months after my quit date I found myself constantly seeking to hang out with my smoker friends just so that I could get cigarettes from them.
That went on for maybe a month until I admitted that the only person I was fooling was myself. So I started buying my own cigarettes again.
Its hard to explain how it felt when I bought my first pack after going for six months without purchasing any. It was kind of a relief to be able to have them without hitting up one of my friends for one, but on the other hand I felt such a deep sense of shame for not being able to keep my promise to my deceased sister. I suppose that anyone who has a harmful addiction that they continue to partake in has felt similarly. But this was almost like I had two battling attitudes in my head; one was kind of a rebellious F* you if you dont like what Im doing, I dont give a rats ... attitude, and the other one that I tried to suppress but was always there in the background: I am a loser piece of sh* who doesnt love my sister enough to follow through with my promise. I hated myself for that. I disgusted myself.
It was a month or a month and a half later that I discovered e-cigarettes through a couple of friends who had switched. I ordered one online and from the first moment I used it I knew I wouldnt go back to being a smoker. I had been so desperately trying not to smoke during that previous six months that it was like a miracle to be able to not smoke and not want to smoke at the same time.
And here I am almost nine months later still not wanting to smoke. Its so amazing to me. I know that when most people talk about the improvements in their lives since switching, they highlight all the physical health changes that they have experienced. While those have been good for me as well, I have to say the greatest thing that electronic cigarettes have done for me is mental and emotional.
I got my self-respect back.
