My girlfriends an alcoholic

[mylose64]

I've been with her for almost two years.

Our relationship started off as a strong friendship, and I helped her as much as I could because of her drinking. she was the kind of girl that would throw her self out of a moving car when drunk or punch your best friend in the face for looking at her the wrong way.

Finally I had enough and after a long battle she started going to AA. She stayed sober for 8 solid months, she would even go to bars or parties with me and be totally fine and not drink.

Fast forward to the present....


She started drinking again. At first she was fine, one drink here and there. But eventually I had to tell her it's going to get bad. After many arguments over drinking, she's been sneaking behind my back and drinking.

Obviously I can tell she's been drinking, it's so obvious, but she'll deny it to the grave. It really messes with my head because I start to think "maybe she's telling the truth"

But eventually she'll tell me the next day what really happened.

I'm in a dilemma because she's starting the same pattern from 2 years ago. She used to lie to me about drinking all the time.

Now it's to the point where I don't even know if I can trust her.

We have an amazing relationship, we never argue about anything other than drinking.

I really don't want to go through this again. She keeps telling me she'll stop drinking and that "I'm doing it for myself too" which made me take a step back and say "wow i'm so proud"

But she knows me too well and can say the right things even though she doesn't mean it.


What should I do? I've given her an ultimatum, but that doesn't work. I really don't want to break it off, we have such an amazing relationship. She is probably the most amazing person I know, but when she drinks she looks so ugly just seeing those drunken eyes makes my stomach turn. That drunk girl is not the girl I love.


Right now she's NOT at the point where she's jumping out of cars, but her drinking is getting progressively worse.


What should I do? I don't know if I can take any more of this. The lying is what really gets me. and I've tried so hard to help her I'm mentally exhausted on this situation.

 

[hairball]

There are only 2 options:
1. Leave her for your own peace of mind or
2. Get her into an inhouse treatment center. Check with your local mental health center for information about it in your area. It sounds as if she is left alone, she drinks. She needs to be basically "locked up" to accept the treatment.

I know this isn't an easy choice for you but you have to think of yourself first. I know you love her but sometimes love isn't enough. A broken heart will mend and it seems as though you have already had your broken by her before. Hugs to you dear and please at least check about the treatment programs in your area whether you stay or not.

 

[classwife]

This is tough....

Do you want to go through this for the rest of your life ?
You can't fix her....she will have to do it for herself....and it will be a life long battle....

Letting go for our own good is very hard....I have been there.
You have some big decisions ahead of you....

((hug))

 

[Eddie.Willers]

+1
You can't fix anyone if they don't want to be fixed or see the need for the fixing.

Tough decision ahead - do you stay or do you go?

 

[Safira]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I lost my sister-in-law from alcoholism. She wasn't even 30 years old and she died of liver disease, leaving behind 3 beautiful boys.

Can I suggest you start going to support meetings for family members of addicts. I'm sure there is something for you in your area, it might help you figure out how to handle this and where to go from here.

 

[son et lumiere]

I've dealt with this thing before. Alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they start putting their life together and most of them with the help of aa are successful. However saying some people's rock bottom is death.

This is an issue that is very dear to me and it's actually a family member that has a drinking problem. I know all about girlfreinds though. I've had way too many of them. If you do dump her you will eventually find another girl just as interesting and more fun to hang out with.

I know it's rough but just go with your gut. My last girlfreind cheated on me and we were very serious. But I feel like I came away with something after we called it off. You have to have trust in a relationship. That's the biggest thing and I'm not talking about the small stuff because everyone lies about that but I'm talking about the real stuff. If she cant be trusted I'd imagine this is just torture. Been there done that.

It's a tough call but you have to make a decision because maintaining an unhealthy relationship can take so much away from you.

 

[meems]

Is she worth fighting for?

Both my parents were alcoholics, my mother also had serious prescription medication addictions, it's only but the grace of God that I'm not an alcoholic/pill/drugs, BUT, I am a complete crack head with my ecig & smoked cigs like a crackhead for 30 years, so I do understand addiction. Out of a family of 3 girls, I'm the nico crack, sis #2 is alcoholic & smoker, sis #3 is very obese from food addiction..none of us escaped it, we just channeled it into different things. Ask yourself, are you addiction free?

 

[MagnusEunson]

I'm married to an Alcoholic. We were dating when she first got sober with AA. She relapsed once, returned to AA. Has been sober for four years since. Remember these three rules of being with an addict:

1) They will always be an addict. The tendencies that got them there won't just disappear regardless of how many years.
2) If you stay with them, you're obligating yourself to understanding addiction and living with an addict.
3) You can't EVER tell an addict what to do. Even if you think you're telling them and they're listening. NEVER take credit.

Our marriage may not last forever but to manage her addiction there were a number of things I had to do.

1) I attended AA with her for a few months. Not every meeting during her 30-in-30 phase but as many as I could.
2) I celebrated her monthly anniversaries the whole first year. It IS special.
3) I refrained from putting her in a position to have to explain herself or watch others. (No Superbowl parties at my place for example.)
4) I myself attended Al-Anon meetings to study the 12 steps and work a program for myself.

I started to understand the issue of not taking inventory. I started to understand the issue of communicating with an addict. It was hard and uncomfortable work some of the time. It didn't seem fair quite a bit of the time. Through (4) I started to recognize her re-channeling her addiction in different ways that were also troubling in some cases. Also through committing myself to working the 12 steps in (4) I discovered a lot about myself and the way I treated my wife's addiction.

And, most effectively, through (4) it became evident to her I was trying to understand and she wanted, for herself, to be better for me. And she worked harder at her program. We stopped taking each other's inventories, things got better, we started learning how to communicate about cravings and concerns in ways more productively.

Now... that may seem difficult or inspired or whatever to you... However, I'm not done yet. Here is the hardest truth we discovered.

I fell in love with drunk her. And she fell in love with me while drunk. "Fun" her. Fun while she could be managed her... but it wasn't ~her~. And when she started coming back out there was resentment at times that I didn't understand. Al-Anon helped with that a bit but still... things were different. I could party and be fun but she couldn't anymore.

So, did you love her every bit when she was sober? Could you do it if it meant social outings had to be changed? You couldn't drink in front of her? She was having regular meetings with her AA sponsor and you had to move your schedule around her AA meetings too? Because this could be a life-long routine and battle for her. It WILL be a lifelong battle at the very least.. but the routine of some addicts, even after decades, includes meetings and commitments and service that their partners sometimes can't handle and can't be a part of.

Take a hard long look at yourself before you even think about her problems again. Take your own inventory of the type of life you expect to live. How much you're willing to give and are you satisfied with that. Consider possible children down the road.

We might not make it until death do us part but we both thought it was worth the fight for ourselves and for each other to give it everything. And as much as I curse and moan about why the heck did I have to get involved with an addict.... the reality is I would fall in love with her all over again. *shrug* Good luck, this is HUGE for you, so take your time. -Magnus

 

[Wharf Rat]

Well stated Magnus and bless you~

In two days I'll have 18 years clean and sober. In two months I'll have been married 25 years. It was a lot of very hard work on both our parts.

Know only she make that decision to change. She has to want it for herself, not to please anyone else. In the meantime you need to get to Al-Anon meetings, google it there easy to find. You'll learn about her and about yourself. If you are serious about this relationship, I'd also look seek couples counseling.

My prayers are with both of you. I always hate to see another addict suffer and the suffering they bring to those around them.

 

[DaveP]

MyLose64, All the things that you and others have said are typical of an addiction. I carried a senior family member who had abused alcohol for decades to an addiction center one night with his agreement and AA saved his life. He was proud of the fact that he shook off the alcohol and AA was what helped him do it. I fully expected him to relapse, but he was sober as far as I know until he died two months before he was 70.

Don't expect a "cure". AA is absolutely right when they explain to people that the addiction is not cured, it's the ability to refocus your life and change your life views that is key. People have to have something to gain with the loss of their crutch. As long as they keep their mind on their goals, everything will be just fine. It's when they meet with rejection or uncontrollable disappointment that they begin to slide back into the old rut.

The point is that there is no magic cure for addiction. Every day is a new day and the battle, however subtle it might be on good days, is always on.

 

[Debian Dog]

Having dealt with this before... I would cut my losses now. It will save you a lot of heartache.

Beamed from my DroidX

 

[Noodoggy]

magnus...great insight shared from your situation. i think you pretty much hit the whole gamut of addiction and the scope of its effects as well as aftereffects.

 

[r77r7r]

"she would even go to bars or parties with me and be totally fine and not drink."

Can you abstain from the bars and parties? Just because she seems fine does not mean she is. You'll learn about these things if/when you get help for yourself.


Bob (clean n sober 28yrs.)...PM me anytime.