OT- Joke Thread!

[kyfatherof1]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got, was when he was out in the field, plowing. One day when he was out in the field plowing, his wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the funeral, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the funeral was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up an down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Will you sell me that mule?"

 

[kyfatherof1]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

 

[uba egar320]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra......

 

[kyfatherof1]

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

 

[kyfatherof1]

last one today.....



Three guys were sitting in a bar having a conversation. One of them says, "What do you want people to say about you at your funeral?" They think about it for a while, and then one of them answers, "I want them to say was a good guy, and that I would probably go to heaven." The second guy nodded and said, "Yeah, I want them to say that I didn't deserve to die, and that I had a lot of friends." The third guy looked up and said, "At my funeral, I want everyone to point and say 'Look! He's moving!'"

 

[Dougiestyle]

oops double post!

 

[Dougiestyle]

A guy dies and goes to Hell. Satan meets him and says, "Forget what you heard on Earth. This is how it goes: You look into the peephole on those three doors and YOU decide where you'll spend Eternity."

The guy looks in the 1st door and sees what we've all heard. There's rivers of fire and bodies burning. He thinks, "Nah. Too hot."

He looks into the 2nd door and sees blizzards and icicles, and everyone's freezing. He thinks, "Nah. Too cold."

He looks into door #3 and sees everyone standing around, chest-deep in poop, eating Snicker bars and drinking Pepsis. He thinks it's gross, but better than the other 2 options. He tells Satan, "I'll take door #3!"

Satan tells him, "OK, but when you get in there, tell everyone, 'Break's over. Back on your head!'"

 

[Morandir835]

Poor Satan, he always gets the bad rep... Besides we all know there's 9 gates in hell.

 

[Nana2B]

If you're having trouble with your weight Check your shampoo bottle label.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!

Its the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body
and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"!

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start
using Dawn dish soap instead.

Their label reads: "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE".

Problem solved!!!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!

 

[EleanorR]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

 

[AG51]

If you're having trouble with your weight Check your shampoo bottle label.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!

Its the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body
and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"!

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start
using Dawn dish soap instead.

Their label reads: "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE".

Problem solved!!!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!

Don't ferget to wear your boots Nana it gets wet in them showers

 

[kyfatherof1]

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

[kyfatherof1]

Obama is out jogging one morning and notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Johnny and says,

"What's in the box, kid?" Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Obama laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," says Little Johnny. "Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.

A couple of days later, Obama is running with Biden and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead. Obama says to Biden, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Johnny.

Obama says, "Look in the box Joe, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Joe what kind of kittens they are." Little Johnny replies, "They're Republican." "Whoa!" Obama says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," Little Johnny explains, "their eyes are open now."

 

[kyfatherof1]

last one today......


An old man was sitting on his rocking chair when little Billy walked by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, "Where are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some chickens!" The old man told him you can't catch chickens with chicken wire, but a little while later Billy returned with some chickens.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some duct tape. The old man asked, "Where are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some ducks!" The old man told him you can't catch ducks with duct tape, but a little while later Billy returned with some ducks.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some ..... willow.

"Hold on, son, I'm coming with you!"

 

[kyfatherof1]

Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn't know how to answer. After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, gosh, Mr. Smith, I’ve been worried about that, but we've been lucky so far..."

 

[kyfatherof1]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ......, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. Mother watches with a frown.

He goes in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[kyfatherof1]

Lil Johnny was sittin' on the corner stirring up a 5 gallon bucket of cow manure with a big stick when the local butcher walked by on his way to his store. He noticed the smell and couldn't help but ask, "What in the world are you doin', boy?". Lil Johnny coyly replied, "Cant you tell? I'm making a butcher!"

The butcher huffed and went on his way, but as he approached work he saw the local sheriff. He told the sheriff what had happened and asked him to go straighten the young lad out.

So the sheriff walks up and asks, "What in the world are you doing with that bucket of manure, young man?" Lil Johnny simply replied "Just stirring it up officer, why?"

"You mean you weren't going to tell me you're making a Sheriff?"

Lil Johnny didn't miss a beat when he replied "Heck, mister.. I ain't got NEAR enough crap for that!"

 

[Nana2B]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are out of my will for sure.

 

[AG51]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are out of my will for sure.

well... at least they didn't steal your red boots !

 

[krazie_Kid]

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the road, and the priest notices a boy walking down the road, the priest turns to the rabbi and says "Hey lets screw him" The rabbi looks to the priest with a puzzled look on his face and says "Out of what? He doesn't have any money on him"

Sorry if that was a bit over the top, but I have a lot worse, and thought that would be more appropatie.