Sagewood Glass CONTEST! Win a fine handblown glass drip tip & carto tank!!!

[aguitarjam]

Entry 2

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really .......

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[ChellyNelly]

Entry #1
"Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'" the patient said.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'
'Is it common?' the patient asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.

 

[ChellyNelly]

Entry #2

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a sh.tzu

 

[daniele25]

Entry #1

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

...You know, woman to woman."

 

[Ynot531]

A blonde woman knocks on a man's door then asks the man if he has any odd jobs to be done around the house, as she could use the money.

The man thinks for a moment then asks "How much to paint my porch?"

She thinks for a moment, then says "Oh, 20 bucks".

Ok great he says, thinking he's really going to get over on this one. He hands her a gallon of white paint and a paint brush, then goes back inside.

About an hour later there's a knock at the door and the blonde proclaims " OK all finished".
Thinking she couldn't possibly have painted the entire porch in an hour he says, "I don't believe it. You finished the job in less than an hour?

"Sure", she says. "Come on, I'll show you", and as they're walking out the door she turns to him and says,

"Oh, and by the way, it's pronounced Porsche"!

 

[AutumnWolf]

Entry #1

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Hah!!

 

[sportfury]

#2

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch as he began chanting. . . "E-Cigarettes are bad for you, Vote 'YES' on the ballot. . E-cigs are bad for you, vote 'YES' on the ballot", until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Crrraaappp" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

 

[Out Of The Ashes]

Entry #1

A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says “I’m sorry, you can’t participate in our service today.”
The higgs-boson particle says “What?! You can’t have mass without me!”

 

[Out Of The Ashes]

Entry #2

Why was the little inkblot so unhappy?
Because his mother was in the pen and they didn’t know how long the sentence would be

 

[Schneck]

1. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

[Schneck]

2. A seal walks into a club........

 

[Debadoo]

Post 1 old joke, but still cute

Two hunters were out in the woods. Suddenly a bear started charging them. They took off running. 2nd hunter tells the first one...what are we doing? We can't outrun a bear. First hunter says......I don't need to outrun the bear, I only need to outrun you.


Very pretty tank/tips! Thanks for the contest!!

 

[spacekitty]

#1

Two men walk into a bar... the third one ducked!!

 

[RippleInStillWater]

Another oldie but a goodie, my first entry... Nice joke, schenk......

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust every natural resource I have made. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[misterkai]

This is an entry post on behalf of Liquid Core, who is a new member and can't post in these threads yet, but sent me an email asking to participate in the contest...

"More of a story: My wife doesn't smoke but just started vaping with me. She says "babe when will I know when I need to replace my cauteriser?"

 

[Keeno]

My one and only entry and just wanted to share....being a biker for many years myself and owning a few birds in my time as well this one holds a special place for me:

This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder,
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
"That's really cool, where did you get him?"

"Sturgis." Replied the parrot, "They're all over the friggin place!"

 

[lettucehead]

1)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.

 

[lettucehead]

2)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. He sleeps at night.


Double


(Thank you for the chance for some awesome prizes!!!!!)

 

[MrsCasey]

Entry #1

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

Thanks for the contest

 

[paulbald2]

1) Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and leg in an accident?

He's all right now.