Wow. I admire your your determination to get through the sh *t that has been shoveled your way, and I'm proud that you found your equalizer in a prescription free form. I have no problems with those in need gaining that balance with a prescription, but the fact that you found a level of peace the way you did is just pretty damned cool. I am not phrasing it like that to make light of your situation, I just think it shows a level of ingenuity that is, as I said before, admirable. Congrats, and you have become one of my favorite people for sharing your story. Thanks for that.
Thank you...
Looking back on it now, I am actually glad I got turned away. It hurt at the time, but the kinds of drugs they would have put me on would probably shorten my life even more than cigarettes would. Big Pharma is pushing some very scary stuff. And it works for a lot of people... but after having been to the funeral of a 15-year-old who died from these types of drugs, I can't say I feel that upset about missing out.
Unfortunately some of the damage is permanent. Trauma-induced psychosis can damage the brain in visible, quantifiable ways. My short term memory is gone. I have some problems with word association sometimes. I have some permanent perceptual/sensory changes. Most people don't notice it in interaction with me - at least, not unless they get to know me very well. But I notice it every day.
Given that, I do not know if I can ever completely quit nicotine or not. But I am beginning to wonder, as the weeks clock by, if I actually can. The addictive personality of e-cigs is very different from that of cigarettes, and considerably less extreme to me.
At the end of the day, we all make a decision, at some point in our lives, that we're going to live or we're going to wait to die. My decision came young, and I had to be firm once I made it. I decided to live.
