Well, I'm laying out there on the plaid couch in the front yard this afternoon in the shade of the boat taking me a nice, little Pokey nap and here comes that crazed UPS driver and he
throws this big package over where the gate ought to be. I thought to myself, boy, I hope that's not a new television set and then I remembered ... I don't have any money to
buy a new television set.
So I get this big box and boy, that thing smelled bad but I open it up and it was that pig that Free was going to send me. As usual with UPS, it got here real slow. They must hire everybody that the USPS runs off.
So I get the hose and wash off the pig. The pig really liked that and I think we kinda bonded a little bit. Kind of like LD with Gummy Bear's leg. I knew I needed to feed the poor thing and all I had was that big sack of dog food, so I gave the pig some of that and he wolfed it right down.
Now I was expecting a nice, little piggy and this was a nice piggy ... but there wasn't anything little about it. This nice piggy was going around two hundred pounds on the hoof and he was still hungry. So I get my lawnmower ramp and get him loaded in the back of my pick up truck (he was much easier to load than it is to load my wife) and we take off for the Feed Store.
I bought a collar and a leash for my piggy and some corn and hog feed and all the old men who hang out at the Feed Store had to come out and see my piggy. One old feller wanted to know what I was going to name it and I said Miss Piggy of course. And he says, "but I think that's a boy piggy" and I said, "what the hell does a piggy know?" A piggy doesn't care what you call it. Hell, I could call it SecondChance and it wouldn't care. He had to agree with my logic.
So I take Miss Piggy home and put the collar on him and got to thinking about how my granddaughter had trained her pig and even house broke it. So I thought ... why not. My wife was at some hen's party out at the lake and she would never know ... so me and Miss Piggy go in the house. I played with him a while and petted him and showed him around and stuff and sat down to watch Zack and his crazies chase ghosties on television. But it was a re-run and after a while I dozed off.
I awoke to this terrible smell and called my brother-in-law's name thinking he was here ... but there was no answer. So I stood up and stepped right in it and it squished right up between my toes and I jumped and when I landed I stepped right into another pile/puddle of it and now I had it all over both of my feet!!! Pig poop!!!
I guess the dog food I had given Miss Piggy didn't agree with his stomach and he pooped all over the house. Some of it was puddles and some of it was piles and some of it was puddles mixed in with piles and I knew my wife would be coming home soon!
So I get my wife's bath towels and started wiping up puddles and I got some WalMart bags and picked up the solid pieces and put them in the bags and about that time my mustache got itchy.
And I mean my mustache was
REALLY itchy!!
So ... I scratched it.
And the smell of that stuff all over my fingers went straight up my nostrils and I lost it.
Then my wife walked in the door.
Her bath towels were covered with pig poop. There were WalMart bags full of pig poop. I had got sick and evidently that made the pig sick too and there were puddles of that and I was in a world of poop ... so to speak.
But it will be okay. I'm pretty sure these contusions, abrasions and lacerations will heal with time and I don't know if I'll be able to walk in the morning but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to crawl.
Why does everything happen to me?
And all Gummy Bear and salem and melissa do is win nice things.
I don't understand it
TT
