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The Squirrel Story

Discussion in 'SmokeStik' started by susie22321, Jan 16, 2012.

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  1. susie22321

    susie22321 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Jun 6, 2010
    St. Clair Shores, MI
    The Squirrel of DOOM
    I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

    I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

    It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

    I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

    Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

    Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

    I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

    He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

    Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

    Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

    I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

    That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

    But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

    This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

    Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

    His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back, unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle.

    A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. TORQUE. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

    The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.

    Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

    This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

    About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death!), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

    As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Valkyrie maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

    Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

    Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of... so to speak.

    Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

    Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a squirrel-torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder, roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

    I heard screams. They weren't mine...

    I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.

    I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things.

    First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist on "letting the professionals handle it" anyway.

    That was one thing. The other?

    Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his.
     
  2. Katya

    Katya ECF Guru Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Supporting member
    Feb 23, 2010
    SoCal
    What a story, Susie.... :D :facepalm:
     
  3. lorikay13

    lorikay13 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Dec 13, 2009
    Oregon
    speechless.....


    and we thought sheepherders had too much time on their hands....RFLMAO.....did you write that Susie?
     
  4. susie22321

    susie22321 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Jun 6, 2010
    St. Clair Shores, MI
  5. lorikay13

    lorikay13 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Dec 13, 2009
    Oregon
    ok...fine. then where in the WORLD did you find it????? I want to know who writes something like that....LOL
     
  6. Taintedhalo

    Taintedhalo Super Member ECF Veteran

    Oct 31, 2011
    Kentucky
    ROFL I almost forgot about that story. Tried to read it to my kids the first time I read it and had to stop many times cause I was laughing so hard.
     
  7. susie22321

    susie22321 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Jun 6, 2010
    St. Clair Shores, MI
    LK, it was on one of my recipe boards, lol...and from what she said it's been around a while :)
     
  8. lorikay13

    lorikay13 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Dec 13, 2009
    Oregon
    I may have posted this before....but hey....killer squirrels? they never get old.

     
  9. CES

    CES optimistic cynic Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jan 25, 2010
    Birmingham, Al
    How did i miss this thread?!
     
  10. Allazar

    Allazar Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jul 21, 2011
    Austin
    Thank You Susie... that was hilarious and a welcome break to my lunch.... why do we ever take a vacation and what could have persuaded us that it was a good idea? :unsure::confused::facepalm: You come back to work to find that it all piled up while you were gone!!!:glug:
     
  11. susie22321

    susie22321 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Jun 6, 2010
    St. Clair Shores, MI
    See...you've got to delegate BEFORE leaving on vacation! Let them know you KNOW they can handle it and will NOT expect to find one
    single piece of unfinished business when you return...or heads will roll!

    Hey, it sounds good in theory :)
     
  12. orachel

    orachel Vaping Master Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Dec 2, 2010
    Mesa, Arizona...USA
    Omg, what a riot!!! And you know what's really cool? I sent my buddy who's a brand new vaper a link to the Squirrel Landy. She's not into ecf (as far as she's concerned, she's got me to ask questions, and she's involved in tons of other forums), but I really wanted her to see the lovely lanyards, cause they are so 'her'. Anyway, she loooved the lanyards, and somehow managed to find this story. She just emailed me the link, and she was really happy and excited, plus had an awesome laugh, to have had such a great fun first visit to ecf. So thanks for making me laugh like a lunatic. And thanks so much for brightening my buddies day, and making her first visit to ecf just a blast!

    Oh vey... I never had a rabid squirrel. I did however drop a lit cig down a very skimpy top whilst driving a convertible down a SUPER packed 8 lane road (dale mabry, in Tampa). Not only was I in total contortions, swerving like a drunken beast, and swearing like a sailor... but I was also madly fanning my top, trying to get the lit cig out. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was literally flashing full frontal to everyone and sundry each time I flapped my top. And alas... i was young and feisty and wearing a tank top, so I was sans undergarments. Oy. All i heard was screeching brakes and cat calls, and I had the scars from the cig on my ahem... top area... for a good 3 years. sigh. Not my proudest moment. Of course, I wasn't saved from sure incarceration by vicious attack squirrel grenade, either. rofl
     
  13. lorikay13

    lorikay13 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Dec 13, 2009
    Oregon
    Glad we could be of service. Come back any time. HAHAHAHAHA

    Who is the Squirrel Lady? does she have a cool squirrel website? More importantly ....does she sell things that look like squirrels?
     
  14. CES

    CES optimistic cynic Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jan 25, 2010
    Birmingham, Al
    Ouch ouch ouch Orachel!

    (psssst, LK, you're the squirrel ladyl with the beautiful lanyards rofl)
     
  15. EleanorR

    EleanorR Vaping Master ECF Veteran

    Feb 9, 2011
    Treasure Coast
    ROFLlaugh (1).jpg ROFLlaugh (1).jpg ROFLlaugh (1).jpg

    Thanks for the best, longest laugh I've had ALL YEAR!!!!! :):):)
     
  16. lorikay13

    lorikay13 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Dec 13, 2009
    Oregon
  17. susie22321

    susie22321 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Jun 6, 2010
    St. Clair Shores, MI
    LOL! Happy to see this got resurrected!
     
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