Virgin Vapor ***CONTEST GIVEAWAY***03

[Qew]

3-11 #2

Two strings go into a bar. The bartender yells at them, "We don't serve string here, get out!" The strings leave, they'd dealt with this kind of situation before. Outside, they pulled their ends apart then tangled themselves together. They went back into the bar. The bartender, upon seeing them again, asked, "Hey, didn't I just kick you strings out of here?" The strings reply, "No, we're afraid knot!"

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/11 #2
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans!

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/11 1
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and ...

 

[Ding]

#2
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

 

[Ding]

#3
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/11 #3

 

[Redo]

3/11 #1
What do vapers say in Jamaica?

Yeah mod!

 

[Redo]

3/11 2

Slinky

Come on... You know you are now thinking about how much cotton you need, ohms, and how that's going to hit!

 

[Redo]

3/11 3

What's the smallest measure of time?

From vape order to waiting by the door!

 

[Qew]

3-11 #3

A Buddhist man walks up to a street vendor selling hot dogs, the vendor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The Buddhist replied, "Make me one with everything."
The vendor replied, "Sure thing, that'll be $5.00."
The Buddhist paid the vendor with a twenty, the vendor handed him the hot dog. After a few awkward minutes, the vendor looked up and apologized, "I'm sorry sir, change comes from within."
The Buddhist asked, "Is there anything of value you can offer me in return for the money?"
The vendor then held up a lifesaver and the sun streamed through the hole in the middle.
The Buddhist asked, "What is that?"
The vendor replied, "A-light-in-mint."

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/11 2
....that's the end . There is no punchline.

 

[CountBoredom]

3/12 #1

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Ding]

#1
Q: How many blonde jokes altogether are there? A: Just three. All the rest are true stories.

 

[CountBoredom]

A noble gas walks into a bar. There is no reaction.

 

[Ding]

#2

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

 

[Ding]

#3

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

 

[Qew]

3-12 #1

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
You've never sausage a tragedy.
He ran out of thyme.
He pasta way.
His legacy will be a pizza history.
They put two pennes over his eyes.
They cannoli do so much.
He will be missed by his wife Rosemary.

 

[Rocky WonderGeek]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/12 #1
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

 

[Qew]

3-12 #2
My son asked if I wanted to hear a joke about potassium. I said, "K".