Virgin Vapor ***CONTEST GIVEAWAY***03

[CountBoredom]

3/15 #1

It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did NOT die from stab
wounds by Brutus... but rather he was poisoned.

At the huge banquet on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some
poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius's salad. (This was the world's
first Caesar's salad!)

When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and
asked: "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?"

To which Julius gasped in reply: . .. "Ate two, Brutus."

 

[Redo]

3/15 #1

Why did the vaper get into a fight?

They were looking for a strong throat hit!

 

[Redo]

3/15 #2

Who blows the biggest clouds?
The Borg - they vape with no resistance!

 

[Redo]

3/15 #3

Why was the vaper excited on valentines day?
She couldn't wait to get her Joules!

 

[CountBoredom]

3/15 #2

One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to
a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white
togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if
he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat
of armor... not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough
to ward off an assassin's arrow.

He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be
to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga's in
afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the environmental
movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle
motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that
would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull
the toga's out to dry.

He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They
started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in
the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental
destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the
assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly
they were all frozen into place.

After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the
enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisers.
Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of
the sight of his workers stuck standing there.

Until of course, one of his advisers whispered to him: "Beware, the
tides of starch."

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/15 1
Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/15 2
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/15 3
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/15 #1
My wife said she wanted to see 50 shades of grey.
So I took a photo of her hair!

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/15 #2
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/15 #3
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: Because he couldn't concentrate!

 

[CountBoredom]

3/15 #3

There was a farmer who grew a monster strawberry and was certain that
it must be a world record. He called the county agricultural agent to
come out and see it and confirm if it was indeed the largest
strawberry ever seen.

That afternoon the farmer looked out his window just in time to see
the county agent stuffing the enormous strawberry into the trunk of
his car. He ran outside in a rage and demanded that the agent give a
reason why he was making off with his prized berry.

"Oh you don't understand," explained the county agent. "I came to
seize your berry, not to appraise it."

 

[spacekitty]

3/15 - #1

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
.
He sighed........
.
.
.
.
.

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

 

[spacekitty]

#2

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see, 'laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'

 

[spacekitty]

#3

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'

 

[Ding]

3/15 #1

You're so ugly, yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

hello @spacekitty ,didn't recognize ya there for a moment

 

[Ding]

3/15 #2

Yo momma's so fat that the last time that she wore a T-shirt with a X on it a helicopter tried to land on her.

 

[Ding]

3/15 #3

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

[spacekitty]

* Not an Entry *

Hiya Count... nice to see ya around!!

3/15 #1

It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did NOT die from stab
wounds by Brutus... but rather he was poisoned.

At the huge banquet on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some
poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius's salad. (This was the world's
first Caesar's salad!)

When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and
asked: "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?"

To which Julius gasped in reply: . .. "Ate two, Brutus."

 

[CountBoredom]

NAE

* Not an Entry *

Hiya Count... nice to see ya around!!

Good to see you, too, Kitty. We've missed seeing you around!