We need some laugh in here, joke of the day

Status
Not open for further replies.

nyabzns

Super Member
ECF Veteran
Sep 26, 2009
602
142
55
Midwest , USA
A man gets ran over by a bus and dies. Suddenly he finds himself standing at the pearly gates.

As he walks up to the gates St.Peter says "Come on in"

The man notices a wall behind St.Peter full of clocks for as far as the eye can see. The man says "so, what are all those clocks for ?"


St.Peter- Those are lie clocks

Man- Lie clocks ?

St.Peter- yes, lie clocks, each person has a clock and if they lie the hands on the clock move.

Man- ( Pointing ) Who's clock is that ?

St.Peter- that clock belongs to Mother Teresa, it has never moved thus Mother Teresa has never lied

Man- and who's clock is that ? ( Once again, pointing )

St.Peter- That is Abe Lincolns clock, it has moved twice which means honest Abe actually told two lies in his lifetime

Man- looks around and says "Hey, where is Barack Obamas clock ?"

St.Peter- Jesus has that one in his office..................he's using it for a fan !
 

Brian1976

Super Member
ECF Veteran
May 1, 2009
321
0
49
Rochester NY
This guy comes home and finds his mother inlaw passed out on the floor... He called 911 they came to take her to the hospital, the son inlaw was sittin there waiting and waiting like 2 hours... The doctor comes out and says it doesn't look good, she's going to need help doing everything... Feeding herself, showering and she's gonna have to wear a diaper... The son inlaw says OMG this is terrible what am i gonna do? The doctor starts laughin and says.... Im just kiddin she's dead :)
 

renderwerks

Unregistered Supplier
ECF Veteran
Jun 20, 2009
725
684
SoCal - The IE
A young boy and his mother are on a Southwest plane. The boy is looking out the window. He says to his mother: "Mom, if big doggies have little doggies, and big kitties have little kitties, why don't big planes have little planes?" The flight attendant is hurrying by just at that time and overhears the question.

The mother doesn't know what to tell the boy, so she says: "Why don't you go ask the flight attendant". The little boy finds the flight attendant at the back of the plane, and she's quite busy. The little boy asks the question - the flight attendant very nicely says: "There are no little planes because Southwest always pulls out on time; go ask your mother to explain that to you..."
 

Mary Kay

ECF Guru
ECF Veteran
Apr 3, 2009
12,873
2,328
West Tampa Fl.
Vampire batA vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
 

Liscab

Resting In Peace
ECF Veteran
Mar 15, 2009
6,805
44,026
Miami fl.
Here goes another:

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

Please post on the botton

PLEASE DOT NOT QUOTE JUST POST
 
Last edited:

KevinD872

Senior Member
ECF Veteran
Little Johnny was sitting at his desk when his teacher noticed that he was holding a cat. The teacher asked him why and he replied that it was his family pet and he brought it to school because he was afraid his dad was going to kill it. The teacher asked, "Why would your dad kill your cat?" Johnny replied, "When I was getting ready for school this morning I heard my dad tell my mom that after I went to school this morning he was going to tear that ******* up."
 
Last edited by a moderator:

HaploVoss

Super Member
ECF Veteran
Aug 13, 2009
624
6
52
Rogersville, MO - USA
Little Josh is a straight A student in everything but Math. His parents have tried everything they can think of... private tutors, working with is teachers, summer school, you name it, but nothing seems to help. Every time grade cards roll around it's the same thing. All A's and an F in math. They are pulling their hair out because they are afraid to be *too* hard on him because he does so well in everything else and seems to try so hard.

One day the Dad is talking with their new neighbor about it and he says "You know I bet I could get him in to my kids school. It's a private Catholic school. Much smaller classes, better attention to the students - it might be just what he needs."
"Oh I don't know about that. We aren't even Catholic I'm not sure how that would work out"

But, grade card time comes around at the end of the school year and it's the same story. So Mom and Dad have a talk with Josh and tell him he is going to a new school in the fall. Fall comes and he gets all dressed up in his uniform and his dad turns around in the car in front of the school and says "Don't worry you'll do great! I'll be here when you're done today and we'll go get ice cream and talk about your first day ok?"
"Ok Dad" And Josh walks nervously into school...

Well things changed that day. Josh did not want to go get ice cream. He wanted to go straight home. When they got home he went straight to his room, didn't come out until dinner, went back to his room until time for bed. His parents were astonished!! This continued for many weeks and Josh did not even want to go play on the weekends and when they tried to talk to him about it he just shook his head and wanted to go study.

Finally they agreed it was time to talk to him. That day however Josh came home and laid his grade card on the table on his way to his room. And there it was - straight As with an A+ in MATH!!! OMG! They called him out immediately and asked him "Josh.. this is fantastic we are so proud of you! What made the difference for you son? Do you like your new school that much better?" Josh just shook his head no. "Well do you like your teachers or maybe your new student friends better?" Josh just looked at the floor and said no. He even started to tremble a little.

Now Dad was ticked off. "Well what is the matter Josh?! Why are you doing so much better in math?"

"Well, the first day of school... I saw that kid in the hallway NAILED to the Plus sign... *sob* and I knew they meant BUISNESS!!" :(
 

Stormynights

Vaping Master
ECF Veteran
Verified Member
Mar 31, 2009
3,232
200
Bristow, Ok.
A couple took their little boy to a nudist camp. The little boy asks his mother why do some women have little boobies and some have big boobies. His mother said, the dumber they are the bigger their boobies are. The little boy ask his daddy why some men had bigger pps than others. The daddy said the more stupid you are the bigger your pp is. Later the mother asked the little boy where is daddy was. The little boy said, He is out by the pool talking to the dumbest woman here and the longer they talk the stupider Daddy gets.
 

paulspikey

Super Member
ECF Veteran
Verified Member
May 22, 2009
474
18
Henderson, KY USA
A lady with no arms or legs is riding her motorized wheelchair down the beach when she sees a lamp on the beach. She flops around until she plops down beside it in the sand. She rubs it with her head and sure enough a genie pops out. The genie tells the woman, I will grant you 3 wishes. The woman is thrilled, and immediately takes a liking to the handsome genie. "My first wish is to be kissed, I have never been kissed" so the genie picks her up and gives her the juiciest, best kiss he could give her. This really excited the woman. "My next wish is to be orally satisfied" so the genie picks her up and goes to town. By now the lady is in sexual heaven, and is about to melt. "For my last wish, I want to be *****." So the genie picks her up, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean, and he says " Your ***** now beeyotch!"
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Mac

Ultra Member
ECF Veteran
Jun 5, 2009
2,477
15,159
All up in your grill..
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the president. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, The president is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doo doo."
 

Liscab

Resting In Peace
ECF Veteran
Mar 15, 2009
6,805
44,026
Miami fl.
My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to make love?” “No.” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “….Then I’d like to phone a friend

PLEASE DOT NOT QUOTE JUST POST
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.

Users who are viewing this thread