We need some laugh in here, joke of the day

[kno]

what do you call a cow watching a porno?

-----------
beef stroganoff
-----------

^^
highlight between the bars up there for the answer

 

[LisaLisa]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[nubee]

what do you call a duck flying upside down?

-----------
A quack up
-----------

^^
highlight between the bars up there for the answer

 

[Drunkwaco]

An old cowboy named Marty sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a�young man sat down on the other side of Marty and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[Drunkwaco]

I urgently needed a few days off work,
But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
"...And where do you think you're going?!"



She said,
"I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!!"

 

[Drunkwaco]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a
cute glass bowl
Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water,
And in the water
Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package
On the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
All winter.'

 

[Jay9928]

Kind of twisted, sick, but POW..........

"Disclaimer: My favorite band"

What does Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common ?

























































Their last big hit was The Wall

 

[Liscab]

YouTube - Filminuto EL HOMBRECITO VERDE

 

[Liscab]

YouTube - Filminuto LA INDECISION DEL VAMPIRO

 

[Liscab]

YouTube - Filminuto LA TRAMPA DEL DIABLO

 

[texas rose]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!


"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."


"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"


"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos"


"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your Rolex and say "Times up"?

 

[seminolewind]

Couldn't wait to move back up north from S. Carolina. Finally did.
Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan. 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.
Jan. 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan. 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ... in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan. 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white **** last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That ......n snowplow came by twice today.
Jan. 15 2 degrees outside. More ****in' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totalled.
Jan.16 ......n mother ****in' white **** keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the ****in' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-..... that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan.17 Six ......n more ****in' inches of ****in' snow and ****in' sleet and ****in' ice and God knows what other kind of white ****in' **** fell last night. I wounded the ****in' snowplow ....... with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 ****in' degrees. I'm moving back to South Carolina!

 

[kno]

i live in myrtle beach, i moved here a child form ohio... and i find that previous post to be ... hilarious in truth

 

[suhrim21]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend And I had been dating for over a year, and so we Decided to get married. There was only one Little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful Younger sister


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very Tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She Would regularly bend down when she was near Me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to Be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was Near anyone else..

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to Come over to check the wedding invitations. She was Alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she Had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't Overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if You want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned And made a beeline straight to the front door.. I Opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing Outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and Said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our Little test. We couldn't ask for a better Man for our daughter.. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

​

​

Always keep your condoms in your car.​

​

​

​

​

​

 

[seminolewind]

That is one really good joke!

 

[martha1014]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for .... sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice .... sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from .... sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

YOU SEE MY SON IS REALLY A LAWYER

 

[kno]

im glad her husband wansnt the one 'getting' the .... sex at the end of the joke

phew

 

[renderwerks]

A retired woman was standing in line at the pet store with a 50 lb bag of Dog Chow. Unknown to others, she has a 120 lb dog at home.

Someone has to state the obvious: "You must have a big dog!"

The woman:
"No; actually, I don't have a dog. I'm going back on the Dog Chow Diet. Instead of eating meals, you keep your pockets full of kibble. When you're hungry, you pop a few bits and chew them up. Wash down with as much water as you want. It's nutritionally complete, high in protein and low fat. Last time I lost over 50 lbs before I ended up in the hospital in a coma."

By this time, all eyes in line were on the woman and her story.

Someone asked: "Oh dear, a coma? Did the dog food poison you?!?"

The woman:
"No, I was waiting for a bus one day; I stepped into the street to sniff an Irish Setters ..., and we were both hit by a car"

 

[nycityjeff]

A man gets ran over by a bus and dies. Suddenly he finds himself standing at the pearly gates.

As he walks up to the gates St.Peter says "Come on in"

The man notices a wall behind St.Peter full of clocks for as far as the eye can see. The man says "so, what are all those clocks for ?"


St.Peter- Those are lie clocks

Man- Lie clocks ?

St.Peter- yes, lie clocks, each person has a clock and if they lie the hands on the clock move.

Man- ( Pointing ) Who's clock is that ?

St.Peter- that clock belongs to Mother Teresa, it has never moved thus Mother Teresa has never lied

Man- and who's clock is that ? ( Once again, pointing )

St.Peter- That is Abe Lincolns clock, it has moved twice which means honest Abe actually told two lies in his lifetime

Man- looks around and says "Hey, where is Barack Obamas clock ?"

St.Peter- Jesus has that one in his office..................he's using it for a fan !

That's actually not funny at all. Right wing propaganda is not clever in the least

 

[Shatosa]

Did you hear about the guy who invested in toilet tissue and revolving doors????? He got wiped out before he could turn around!!!!!