Make us Laugh!!!

[Keener]

A little old lady calls her neighbor and says, “I need help! I have this great jigsaw puzzle and I can't seem to get it started.”

The neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The old lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything that remotely looks like a rooster.”

He gently takes her hand, gives her a sad smile, and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of coffee, and then,” he says with a deep sigh …………

.........

"...we'll put all the Kellog's corn flakes back in the box."

 

[xoYOmamaox]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[xoYOmamaox]

"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."

 

[pmos69]

"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."

75.4% of all statistics are made up.

 

[redempti0N]

‎-Me: What's a million yrs like to you?
God: Like a second.
Me: a million bucks?
God: Like 1 penny.
Me: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.

 

[VpnDrgn]

 

[Evie Luv]

I was at the bookstore to find a book on dinosaurs my son needed for school. After searching for the particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without any luck, I looked to customer service for help. I showed him a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.

 

[Evie Luv]

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Those are Ivory."

 

[Lauralie]

My daughter is on the swim team and decided she wanted to sit on mommys lap......yeah right

 

[rolandpibb]

It's my 6 year olds knock knock joke.

I'll start it off;

Knock-knock

( you say--who's there?)

Eye-eight-map

.....

Ha ha ha

 

[xoYOmamaox]

A Redneck from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, ‘Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good ‘ole Texas boy replied, ‘Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

 

[Green Mtn Vpr]

Umm, sure...I'd run with that story too!

http://depend.com/products/get-samples.com

My daughter is on the swim team and decided she wanted to sit on mommys lap......yeah right

 

[xoYOmamaox]

Advice for Today



Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

 

[xoYOmamaox]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water,he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties...
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."


The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.

Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said: "You little .....,
your brother won't let me in without a tie....."

 

[xoYOmamaox]

"They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents ?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants ; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting welfare and/or food stamps with no intentions of ever working.

 

[myxomatosis]