We need some laugh in here, joke of the day

[Kempton]

A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests
Full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man,
'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the Newfie. 'I ain't got none of dem dere
Licenses. I don't need one. You must understand, by, dese here is
My pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Dat's de trut' bye. Every night, I take dese fish down to de
Cove and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Den, when I whistles, dey
Jump right back into dese here ice chests and I takes 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The Newfie looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de
Trut Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The Newfie stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove. Then
He stood and looked out to sea.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the Newf.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the Newfie.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers on
De mainland but by the lard tundering jaysus we ain't as dumb as some
Government employees. ​

 

[Eric in AK]

A woman was driving around a parking lot, becoming more and more frustrated at the unavailability of spaces. Finally, in desperation, she said, "God, if you help me find a parking spot I promise I'll never smoke, drink or use foul language ever again." As soon as she said that, she spotted a car backing out of a space. She said, "Never mind. I found one!"

 

[Liscab]

A Czechoslavokian immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Czech guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

[texas rose]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The lady of the house was very upset about this and
decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria,
why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are
three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so..'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you. '
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'[/FONT]
8-o

 

[buttercrunch]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still driving. She writes:

Dear Grandson,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma Hon

 

[Liscab]

YouTube - Eli's Dirty Jokes - Episode 38

 

[LisaLisa]

 

[Antebellum]

An encyclopedia salesman calls a house, and a small child answers. The child is whispering.

Salesman: Hello, young man. Could I talk to your mother or the woman of the house?

Child (whispered): She can't come to the phone. She's busy.

Salesman: Oh, I see. How about your dad or the man of the house?

Child (whispered): He's busy and he can't come to the phone, either.

Salesman: I see. Well, are there any adults there that I can talk to?

Child (whispered): How about the fireman?

Salesman: You have a fireman at your house?

Child (whispered): And there's a policeman. But he's busy, too.

Salesman: A fireman and a policeman at your house. What's wrong? What are they all doing?

Child (whispered): Looking for me!

 

[Drunkwaco]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[Drunkwaco]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

 

[Drunkwaco]

A husband and wife were shopping in their local WalMart.
The husband picks up a case of Coors and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replied.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in their basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "

It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replied the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Coors and it's half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down

 

[Drunkwaco]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were
always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably
involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had b een successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to
see
the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down
and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where
is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where
is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and do ve
into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What
happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG
trouble this time,' (I just LOVE reading this next line again and again
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

 

[Drunkwaco]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much..
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.... I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes..
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake .. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Darlene

 

[nyabzns]

Atlanta Airport
​

You gotta love this one especially if you have lived in the South..... Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R"

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: "Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9L.."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9L. -Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: "ATLANTA TOWER, ATLANTA TOWER!"

Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING
IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah 'hey' for us"

 

[kno]

i love dirty jokes!

what kind of bear has no teeth?


---------
a gummy bear
---------

highlight the area between the two bars for the answer - but guess first!

 

[Nestran]

What did the mushroom say to the carrot when she would not go out with him?



Why not? I'm a fungi!

 

[suhrim21]

How do you know your wife is a redneck?

your pumpkin has more teeth than she does.




How do you know tooth brushes were invented by rednecks?

Anywhere else they would have been called teeth brushes

 

[plantlvr]

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's popcorn?

 

[jerrydon10]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"

He said, "Baptist church of god!"

I said, "Me too!

Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"

He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!"

I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed the idiot off the bridge.

 

[Bootimus]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says,"Wow its getting hot in here." The other muffin screams and says, "OH MY GOD! ITS A TALKING MUFFIN!"