Win A Free E-Cig

[Dudeman]

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[MrBrown]

Did you know this is from a white supremacy web site and was intended to be a slur against illegal immigrants?

Yawn,

There always has to be one in every forum just trolling the treads desperately seeking a reason to be offended.
Just because a statement or joke appears on a site does not mean it originated there. Right now there could be some anti smoking loon the supremacist site screeching that that joke originated on an electronic cigarette site and was intended to amuse smokers. Although why someone who would be against a concept would be hanging out checking the post on its dedicated sites is beyond me.

Further just because a message may have been originated by a particular group does not mean it cannot be repurposed for another. The seldom followed message :”thou shalt not judge” was intended for a Christian audience, but is still good advice for the rest of us in most cases.

OH and my joke:
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) using Lifesavers candy.



The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow...............Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
Of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and Yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a@@holes!


The teacher had to leave the room!


This joke was not intended to offend Lifesavers, candy of any kind, Lifesavers supremacist, teachers, students or a@@holes.

 

[firechick]

Did you know this is from a white supremacy web site and was intended to be a slur against illegal immigrants?

SuZamme, No, I didn't, as I don't read any supremacist websites. This appears, to me at least, to be a slur against the the politicians who have contributed to our current state of affairs. Does anyone else remember when comments about aliens (especially when mentioning the secret government area) was assumed to mean beings from another planet?????

We have become so overly sensitive, that a remark clearly meaning one thing is almost automatically assumed to be something it's not. In this day and age, the same text can go around the word a thousand times in a day and be used in a thousand different ways. I say PG, the FDA says Antifreeze. Same info, two totally different takes on it.

Contest Sponsor, If I win, give the e-cig to SuZamme.

 

[rhoobarb]

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

[SuZamme]

Yawn,

There always has to be one in every forum just trolling the treads desperately seeking a reason to be offended.
Just because a statement or joke appears on a site does not mean it originated there. Right now there could be some anti smoking loon the supremacist site screeching that that joke originated on an electronic cigarette site and was intended to amuse smokers. Although why someone who would be against a concept would be hanging out checking the post on its dedicated sites is beyond me.

Further just because a message may have been originated by a particular group does not mean it cannot be repurposed for another. The seldom followed message :”thou shalt not judge” was intended for a Christian audience, but is still good advice for the rest of us in most cases.

Al Gore — Date of Birth: 31 March 1948
Dianne Feinstein — Date of Birth: 22 June 1933
Barbara Boxer — Date of Birth: 11 November 1940
John Kerry — Date of Birth: 11 December 1943

Using mis-information to make a point is pointless.

I was NOT judging, only letting the OP know that the story was not based on fact. It is no different than someone checking on snopes.com for scams and other mis-information that circulates via emails etc.

Were you judging ME?????

Lifesaver joke was funny.

 

[Eighttrucktires]

Sadly a child was born with no eyelids. The Doctor told the parents that he could fashion new eyelids from the boys foreskin. It worked! The boy could blink and, he looked almost normal.
He was just a little ....-eyed.

 

[motorcity57]

so my wife fills my little thing that holds all my pills for the week. the compartments with S-M-T-W-T-F-S. i take about 8 pills a day.
so when i hand her the pill case the other day, she says "why is there a penny in the M-W-F "? i tell her leave them there they remind me to shower & shave. when she gives them back , right away i check my pennies, they still there but each one has a dime on top. i call wifey in and say whats with the dimes? she say's thats to remind you, your wife needs some lovin.

 

[muttSRT]

Signs you are a redneck... (b.t.w. I are one)

1. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
4. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
5. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
7. You've ever used lard in bed.
8. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
11. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
13. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
14. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
15. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
16. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
17. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
18. You own a homemade fur coat.
19. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
20. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
21. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
23. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
25. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
26. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
27. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
28. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
29. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
30. Fewer than half of your cars run.
31. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
32. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
33. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
34. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
35. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
36. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
37. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
38. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
39. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
40. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her .....
41. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
42. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
44. You're an expert on worm beds.
45. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
46. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
47. Your family tree does not fork.
48. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
49. You haul more than U-Haul.
50. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
51. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
52. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
53. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
54. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
55. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
56. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
57. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
58. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
59. You've ever financed a tattoo.
60. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
61. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
62. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
63. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
64. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
65. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
66. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
67. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
68. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
69. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
70. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
71. your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
72. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
73. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
74. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
75. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
76. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
77. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
78. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
79. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
80. Birds are attracted to your beard.
81. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
82. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
83. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
84. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
85. Bikers back down from your momma.
86. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
87. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
88. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
89. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
90. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
91. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
92. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
93. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
94. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
95. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
96. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
97. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
98. You clean your nails with a stick.
99. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
100. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your .... included.
101. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
102. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
103. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
104. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
105. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
106. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
107. You've ever bought a used cap.
108. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
109. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
110. Your momma tore her best dress .... hunting.
111. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
112. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
113. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
115. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
116. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
117. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
118. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
119. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
120. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
121. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
122. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
123. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
124. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
125. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
126. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
127. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
128. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
129. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
130. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
131. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
132. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
133. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
134. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
135. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
136. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
137. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
138. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
139. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
140. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
141. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
142. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
143. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
144. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
145. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
146. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
147. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
148. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
149. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
150. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
151. You mow your lawn and find a car.
152. You can spit without opening your mouth.
153. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
154. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
155. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
156. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
157. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
158. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
159. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
160. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
161. You've never paid for a haircut.
162. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
163. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
164. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
165. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
166. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
167. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
168. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
169. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
170. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
171. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
172. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
173. Your screen door has no screen.
174. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big ole ..... The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
175. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
176. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
177. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
178. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
179. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
180. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
181. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
182. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
183. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
184. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
185. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
186. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
187. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
188. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
189. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
190. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
191. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
192. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
193. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
194. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
195. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
196. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
197. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
198. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
199. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
200. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
201. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
202. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
203. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
204. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
205. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
206. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
207. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
208. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
209. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
210. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
211. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
212. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
213. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
214. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
215. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
216. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
217. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
218. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
219. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
220. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
221. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
222. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
223. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
224. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
225. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
226. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
227. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
228. You bring your dog to work with you.
229. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
230. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
231. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
232. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
233. Your masseuse uses lard.
234. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
235. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
236. On stag night, you take a real deer.
237. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
238. Your back porch is bigger than your house.
239. There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
240. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
241. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
242. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
243. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
244. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
245. Your secret family recipe is illegal.
246. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
247. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
248. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
249. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
250. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
251. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
252. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
253. You think cur is a breed of dog.
254. People hear your car long before they see it.
255. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
256. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
257. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
258. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
259. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
260. You've ever hitchhiked naked,
261. You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
262. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
263. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
264. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
265. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
266. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
267. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
268. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
269. You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
270. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
271. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
272. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
273. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
274. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
275. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
276. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
277. You list your parole officer as a reference.
278. There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
279. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
280. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
281. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
282. You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
283. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
284. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
285. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
286. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
287. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
288. You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
289. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
290. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
291. Your family tree doesn't fork.
292. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
293. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
294. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
295. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirting.
296. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
297. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
298. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
299. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
300. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
301. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
302. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
303. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
304. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
305. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

 

[asd]

so ? who won OP ? i guess you forgot us

 

[Happy Domino38]

***THIS ISN'T TERRIBLY CLEAN*********

Still here? Great!

A guy goes to a ...... and asks, "How much for a hand j*b?"

"$500", says the ......

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A HAND J*B? WHY?!?"

To which the ...... replies, "Come with me." and takes him by the hand and points to a red Ferrari standing at the curb. "See that car?" asks the .......

"Yeah.."

"Well, I own that and I own that because I'm the best in business.."

So, the guy decides to give it a try.

WOW!!

Then the guy asks, "How much for a blow j*b?"

"1000.00" says the ......

"A THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR A BLOW J*B? WHY?!?!?"

To which the ...... replies, "Come with me." and takes him by the hand and points to a big white mansion at the end of the street. "See that house?" asks the .......

"Yeah.."

"Well, I own that and I own that because I'm the best in the business.."

Again, the guy decides to give it a whirl.

MOTHER OF GOD!!!!

Finally, he says, "Listen, I've GOTTA ask...how much is it to get laid?"

"Come with me." says the .......

Outside they go and the ...... points to one of the biggest downtown office towers and says, "See that big tower right there?"

"Yeah..."

"If I was a woman, I'd own that."

 

[freddo]

Ok everyone, sorry i'm a bit late! Please help me decide on a winner it's proving harder than i first thought. so many funny jokes but which one to choose on! what do you all think?

 

[RoKeM]

One more?
A little boy was outside with his dad and sees two dogs going at it. He asked his dad what they were doing and the dad replies, making puppies. The next day the boy walks in on his parents doing it and asks what they are doing. The dad replies, we are making you a brother or sister, the boy say’s, well flip mom over, I’d rather have a puppy.

 

[truthseeker]

And another one...

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"


Have a great day!

 

[5cardstud]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get ...... off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

 

[crashtestjeep]

I think crashtestjeeps joke was pretty darn funny myself

 

[pcqueene]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."



"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d i c k"

 

[Shining Wit]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A LANCASHIRE LASS


The first man married a woman from Essex . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a woman from Derbyshire. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a lass from Lancashire . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye,
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and he managed to load the dishwasher , though he still has some difficulty when he pees!

 

[Tracey1]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

 

[bobtow]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto found themselves afoot, having been robbed of their mounts the night before. They walk and walked until they came upon a small cave all of a sudden they hear Woo,Woo. Tonto quickly runs into the tunnel. and about half an hour later come out tucking his shirt into his pants. "Squaw wants love" he explained. They eventually come upon another cave and the same thing happens. Tonto returns with the same explanation. The next day they come upon a giant cave and the Woo,Woo, comes out of that one. Quick as a wink, the Lone Ranger pistol whips Tonto, and makes for the cave at a run throwing his clothes on the way. The next day there was an artical in the local paper which read: Naked white man hit by train!

 

[darkmenace]

how do you make an apple puff?

Chase it around the garden