Win A Free E-Cig

[ejoker]

there's a house of ill repute on top of a hill.
one man is going up the hill, one man is going down the hill, and a third man is in the house.

their nationalities?

the man going up the hill - russian
the man going down the hill - finnish
the man in the house - himalayan

 

[Mia]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
>
>
> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night
> before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
>
> I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
> demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the
> knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You
> also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can
> only hope that you somehow come across this rather important
> message.
>
> First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I
> didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew
> my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that
> cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My
> girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A
> CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder
> holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that
> it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head
> ... isn't it?!
>
> I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever
> you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm
> sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you
> leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That
> prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to
> come help mug us again].
>
> After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her
> listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what
> you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as
> those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your
> credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150
> gallons and was extremely grateful!
>
> I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go
> Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his
> day!]
>
> I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"
> that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield
> and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the
> car.
>
> Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell
> phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only
> used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going
> on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening
> phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while
> mentioning President Obama as my possible target..
>
> The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long
> chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
>
> In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you
> ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more
> appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you
> well as you try to sort through some of these rather
> immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have
> the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the
> career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next
> time you might not be so lucky.
>
> Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

 

[Nikhil]

Epic thread.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

[KarrMcDebt]

Headline:


Republicans turned off by size of Obama's package.

 

[KPKicker]

Moses and Jesus are playing golf one day.

They come up on a water hazard. Jesus pulls out a 5 iron. Moses looks at it and laughs.

"You're gonna put your ball right in the middle of the pond with that club." Moses says.

"I'll bet you I don't. This is the way Arnold Palmer would play it." says Jesus.

Moses says "Ok, you're on. If you don't make it, I will part the water and get it for you."

Jesus says "Fine, but you won't have to."

So, Jesus addresses the ball and swings. The ball's trajectory take it squarely into the middle of the pond. The two holy men look on as the ball goes "plop" and promptly sinks to the bottom.

So, Moses parts the water and gets the ball back.

A short while later, the same thing happens. Water hazard. 5 iron. A disapproving head shake from Moses.

Jesus says "I know, but this is the way Arnold Palmer would do it."

Moses says "I understand that, but I ain't gettin' it for ya this time."

And just as Moses predicted, the ball leaves the head of Jesus' 5 iron only to end up in a watery grave.

So, Jesus goes over to the pond and starts walking on the water trying to find his ball.

While that's happening a couple walk by and notice Jesus searching for his ball the way only Jesus could.

The couple approach Moses and the man asks "Hey! Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"

Moses says "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

 

[Sci]

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to
all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very
serious.

__________________________________________________________________

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33f8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33f8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

 

[WhatAClumsyGirl]

What's red and green and goes 500 miles per hour ?



Answer : A frog in a blender

 

[Yaznaki]

Sorry, first time poster, been lurking all day after trying to figure out how to come up with cash for an e-cig and supporting my clove cigg habit at the same time(now clove cigar, stupid USA laws) I'm also a lush, so whee...
-----------------

A guy is sitting at the bar when a lady sits down next to him. They start chatting, and she suddenly tells the guy in a mean way "You're drunk!"

The guy replies, "And You're ugly."

The woman scoffs him.

The guy informs her "When I wake up in the morning I'll be sober. When you wake up, you'll still be ugly."

 

[crashtestjeep]

WHY CANT A LESBIAN GO ON A DIET AND WEAR MAKEUP AT THE SAME TIME?

YOU CANT EAT JENNY CRAIG WITH MARY K ON UR FACE!!!!!

 

[asd]

so who won ?

 

[rasci2]

Three couples, an elderly man and woman, a middle aged couple and a pair of newly weds, who are new to the area wish to join the local church. The Deacon tells them that it is a very stricht parish and all who join must show that they have self control. He instructs each couple to go home and refrain from any sexual activity for two weeks and them come back to speak with him. After the two weeks he first meets the the elderly pair and asked them how things went. The man spoke up and said they had no problem that because of their age they often went long periods of time without sex. The Deacon said I'm happy that you had the self control and welcome to out Church. He then asked the middle aged couple about their experience and they answered that although it was difficult they did not have sex. The Deacon replied "Wonderful" since you have demonstrated that you have self control you many become part on our congregation. It was then the newlyweds turn and unfortunately they were not so successful. The young man said "we were doing well until my wife dropped the paint". The Deacon said "I don't understand please explain". "Well, when she dropped the paint she bent over in front of me to pick it up and I couldn't resist and took her right there". The Deacon said "you have shown that you have no self control and I must ask you to leave right now". The young man said "that's okay the guy in Home Depot said the same thing".

 

[Jeff78]

Ok here is my shot at it.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

 

[freddo]

hahaha absolutely loving this thread so far. Way too many good jokes!! The competition closes on the 31st or March so get your jokes in for a chance to win!!

You guys are going to have to help me select a winner because this is going to be a tough one!

Thanks so far everyone, some have you have really made me giggle

 

[nephilim]

Batman and robin just finished capturing the joker when they were about to drive back to the batcave
robin asks batman.

Hey Batman can I drive?

batman replies ok just this time.

Robin takes the keys and proceeds down the road.
Vroom first gear, quick shift to second , instantly to third. up to fourth!! downshifts to third..

at this poibt batman puts his seat back and relaxes with a big grin

robin shifts to fourth back to third and second gear again.

Batman turns to robin and says "robin give me a kiss"

robin replies why would I do that?

batman then says
Come on robin you know that the car is an automatic!

 

[justincase]

CIA Assassin Training

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
​

 

[prole]

A mother and young son make daily trips to the market,
One day while there they spied a bowlegged man.

The son pointed and shouted "Mum look at that bowlegged Son of #@!^%$ !!!!!

The mother was absolutely aghast, admonished her child sternly for using such language.

Upon returning home she promptly washed his mouth out with soap and made him read Shakespeare for several hours.

During further market visits, they spied the same bowlegged man,
and each and every time the young lad, spewed forth an obscenities in reference to the man's deformity, was admonished each and every time and had his mouth cleansed with soap upon returning home, followed by longs hours of reading tjhe collected works of Shakespeare.

One day however the young lad finally learned his lesson, upon seeing the same bowlegged gentleman, he implored his Mum, "Mother what manner of men are these that wear there testes in parenthesis" ?

Not probably all that funny, but the most "unique" one I know and of course the succeeding days are told, with various mother's ear grating cuss words employed by the boy, so shortened it as symbols for cussing just don't have any impact.

But anyway this be my entry such as it is.

 

[sandyk]

MY PRIVATE PART DIED



An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

 

[firechick]

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948,

nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep ​

and mules? ​

​

 

[deitra]

Awsome SailCat! Always nice to read a good joke! Good luck to all that enter!

 

[SuZamme]

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948,

nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep ​

and mules?​

​

Did you know this is from a white supremacy web site and was intended to be a slur against illegal immigrants?