It all started last year, my father got sick and I found myself smoking two packs a day. I wasn't feeling anything in particular but I got scared. Started vaping again, for the third time. As all noobs, took me some time to find my delivery system, my juice and batts. All along, my father got sicker by the minute. Prostate cancer hit him but at first it was mild. It changed his disposition from somewhat amicable to downright nasty. I started fighting but I was too anxious all the time. Equipment started working great about December, and although I had big plans it simply didn't cut out for me. Some days I vaped all day, some days I smoked all day, and for the most part I vaped during waking hours and smoked a 10 cig pack at night and early in the morning.
By the time February rolled by, the first symptoms that the cancer had spread started to show. He was in pain and couldn't help it. It didn't show in the studies but I could see it in his eyes... We got to the cancer late and it was starting to show.
By March 13th, he was admitted to the hospital, weak and feebly. The doctors couldn't do much, due to his age (82) and the fact that his defenses were low. I don't remember crying so much in my life. Of course, many days on my way back from the hospital I started buying a regular pack and smoking it all up. Three days before passing away he told me "use my credit card, buy all you need, but don't stop vaping. Don't repeat your mother's story. You can't do anything for me, do it for yourself".
He passed away on a sunny Sunday. I was somewhat releived. He had never been ill, had an active life although the love of his life had departed 25 years early. I'll never forget how he tugged me along every computer show from a very early age. Technology discussions at home were always lively, two strong willed engeneers that shared the same knowledge but different points of view. Tecnophile was big at home.
I thought as the weeks rolled by that I'd be slowly getting calmer and vaping more. I was wrong. Although I have no near family (it was just him and me) paperwork is paperwork. Some people are vultures, waiting for the right moment, and underestimating me. I'm handicapped, not stupid.
Tonight, as I'm writing this, I have a cigarette in my hand. The woman that called herself his partner didn't even stop to say hello. Elvis, my 14 year old Airedale Terrier looks as if a ton of bricks had fallen onto him. Sleeping on the cold, marble floor. The only one that looks carefree is my 5 month old tortie cat, Freya. She looks at me saying "why do you look so sad? life goes on, and I'm the living proof of that". My ex decided he deserved his share but never asked for it, simply took it. And in the midst of everything I vaped for just 5 hours.
I'm only taking a break, not giving up. I'll still be around to help if I may. I'll be removing my banner and starting again. Hopefully very soon.
A dear friend of the family told me "when your parents go, you finally become an adult". She couldn't be more dead on.
I can tell it a perm. switch for me now.....not by any force, but because it is what I've naturally gravitated towards, and it feels right 
