Serious Family Question, Need Advice Please!

[suddenly]

I am not sure if you are allowed to get real serious here. I have only come here to joke around with you gals. If not, MK just delete this post.

I have a kid problem, in particular a son problem. It is almost 5am and I can't sleep because of it.

My son lives about 8 miles away from me. I have not seen or heard from him since Christmas. This is not unusual since he got married 7 yrs ago.
He also doesn't keep in contact with his 2 sisters either. None of us knows why, and believe me we have asked. Not sure if its him or his wife.
We are always nice, them included at the 1 family function they come to every year, Christmas. They have ongoing contact with his wifes side of the family, and my grandson spends the nite and is very close to them.

Unfortunately it is getting harder for me to feel nice. I have kept my mouth shut, but don't know how much longer that will last. I am getting real fed up with the situation. No mothers day cards or calls, no birthday cards or calls, etc. etc. Yet we all call him.

I have a 6 year old grandson that I don't even know, and he doesn't know me. This is what hurts the most. When he was first born I would stop by every Sunday to visit, until I was told to stop, when he was about 6 months old. When he got older and my granddaughter would be here with me every Sunday I asked if they could have a play day together. Mother said no "He is too difficult to take care of." He has been in day care since birth so I think I could handle it. I have been a Therapist for many years, and even treated children. So not a valid reason.

My sons', my grandsons' and my birthday are all in December so Christmas is it as far as they are concerned. Well this year my 2yr old grandson(will be 2 in July) is having a B-Day party and he told his sister he couldn't see any reason why they couldn't come. (Didn't ask wifey yet.)

So do I continue this charade, or do I have it out with him in July? Haven't seen him in the summer for seven years for goodness sake.
Like what do I have to lose? My girls keep telling me, "Mom that kid is weird anyway." I wonder if it is just because we are strangers to him.

I would love to hear some advice from all the wise women on this forum.
Please and thank you
Nancy

 

[cataine]

I want so badly to have advice for you - I just don't know what I would do in your situation. If you do decide to speak with your son, I would say it would be better not to "have it out" - currently you do get to see your grandson at Christmas ... I would hate to see your son (or his wife) decide that he's angry enough to avoid that too. I would simply make sure he is aware that you feel you are missing the opportunity to watch your grandson grow up and that it really bothers you.

Did they ever give you a reason why you weren't to come over to visit him? it seems like such a strange thing to cut off a part of your child's family without an explanation

I'm really sorry - and I hope that you find a way to resolve this.

I am sure that someone here will have fantastic advice for you..

 

[blueeyekelly]

Not too good at advice here (my kids are still small and I avoid confrontations) but I think you need to talk to your son, not necessary have it out with him but maybe make your feelings known, and the fact you want to see your grandson and get to know him. I have no family members that live close to me so I think it is kind of inexcusable to live 8 miles from one and never see them (heck mom lives in OR and I see her ever year or two for a couple days when she drives accross country)

Like I said I am probably not a good person to get advice from because I have never been there, at lest not in this life...

 

[stover.p]

I have a strained relationship with my mom. Always have since I was a teenager. She's on her 4th marriage and has always put her "man" before her kids. I ended up raising my much younger brother because of this. I only see her a couple of times a year and those times I'm not comfortable. I do call her a couple of times a week because I feel like that's the least I can do since she gave me life. When my kids were small they tried to go and stay a week but I had to go get them because the "papa" let my youngest actually make fun of and hit my oldest. He was taught not to hit girls.............which changed later after my daughter would not stop bullying him! Anyway, I doubt that you have the strained relationship with your son like I do with my mom, but something is there, whether it's a misunderstanding or the wifey feeding him a line of crap. I suggest you ask your son to meet you for lunch, dinner, coffee or something at a neutral location and tell him how you feel. You might be surprised that it's not you at all! Worth a shot and good luck. My heart would be crushed if my kids didn't have contact with me. Keep us updated!

 

[suddenly]

The thing is I have talked to him on many, many occasions, on the phone in person etc. When his wife is not home. That seems to be the only time he can talk to any of us. Each time he tells me things will change, but they never do. His 2 sisters, who he was always close to and protective of, also have talked to him and came up with nothing.

I have been stuffing this for 7 years now and its hard to continue doing it. My grandson will be all grown up without me even getting to know him. I can't tell you why they asked me to stop coming over. They really didn't give me a reason.

Before my son got married he called every day. We had a very close relationship. We would see each other every weekend. Go out to dinner and just have fun.

The first time I met his wife to be, she did not even say hi, bye or glad to meet you. She still doesn't talk to us really. So I am left with the assumption that it is her and not my son.

Even at Christmas time she never talks to anyone. She sits there like a dead tree stump. We all have tried to make her welcome and try to engage in a conversation with her, but she won't budge. I have seen her around her family and she is a totally different person. Very chatty and outgoing.

But why would a wife not want her husband to associate with his family?
We all have college educations, our own homes and good jobs. All better then theirs even. They are college grads too with their own home. So we are on equal ground.

I just don't understand, and I miss not having a son. Do I just accept the fact that he is out of my life? Or should I tell him to man up?

 

[UntamedRose]

I really dont know what to tell you, that is horrible though.
I think I know what I'd do, be butting in and showing up at their house. Give a 30 min text warning, show up cookies and toys...ya it's kinda rude but so is not seeing them but once a year.

I do know that you do have legal rights to visitation with your grandchildren as a grandparent. Not sure at what you take this it that point, but you should look into your state laws, or talk to a family lawyer and know what your legal rights are.

 

[stover.p]

Sounds to me like the wifey has your son brow beaten..............In that case there's not much you can do unless HE stands up to her. Personally I'd go talk to HER in a polite non confrontational way and tell her what your sons and grandsons relationship mean to you and if she doesn't respect it that's fine but you are going to see your family! But it sounds like your son needs to do the dirty work with her. Heck I wish I had the magic words to help.................

 

[suddenly]

Rose is right that I could get visitation rights if I took it to court.
I wonder if it would make things worse or turn them around?

Yeah like how could it get worse right?

 

[Nyxie]

I wish I could say something that could help you fix this. There are so many things you obviously don't know about this woman or your son now if it has been going on this long.
You said you talk to him on the phone when she is not home. He says it will change. What does he say will change ? Regular visiting or invitations to other family functions?

I guess I have to ask this question , please don't take offense. Were you ever or are you a Monster in law? have you ever had contact with her before the wedding in more then a family setting? If you are not in fact one of those Monster in law's then I would suggest you invite them both to dinner and ask what the problem is directly.
What I have found in my own relationships is one person will make things up for the other and then you get back tracking etc . when the other is confronted. Best to go straight to the source of the problem obviously the problem lies with both people for some reason. For all you know they changed religions and don't want to tell you, my brother did this.

You will never know if you don't ask. I don't think blowing up will do anything but push them away. You go in like an adult and try to confront the situation and try to actually solve the problem. If they smack down all of your solutions there is really nothing yo can do. But it will never hurt to ask what the problem is, just do it with them both together.
Ask them to meet with you some place neutral and discuss it. Ask them both directly what the problem is and you would like to find a solution. I am thinking you can ask if you are invited to the party and if they say no go from there. Try to get through the party if you are actually invited because the party is about your grandson , not you and them. If it continues then do the asking them together thing after it is over.
I hope some of this makes sense.

 

[Nyxie]

I don't know the laws in NY but grandparents here don't get visits with thier grandkids ordered unless there is a divorce.

 

[CES]

Suddenly, I don't have anything but guesses, and supportive thoughts.

It does sound more like it's from his wife, and if he hasn't told you why that is by now, he probably won't. I do agree with trying to talk to him, and maybe her- alone or together. And i think that talking should probably happen before you go the legal route.

 

[Stephra]

But why would a wife not want her husband to associate with his family?
We all have college educations, our own homes and good jobs. All better then theirs even. They are college grads too with their own home. So we are on equal ground.

Bolding mine, because it seems like there's a contradiction there. I don't know for sure that you mean anything by it, but... it just stood out to me.

All I can offer is to keep an eye on the situation as best you can, to make sure that everyone is healthy and happy. Things that pop to mind are abuse issues, financial problems they are trying to hide, etc... but it doesn't seem to be that way from what I've gathered here.

The easy thing is to blame the "evil wife" for hoarding your son, but maybe your son has some issues of his own. Telling him to "man up" probably won't hold much traction - people do things for reasons. Either come right out and ask him why he's been shunning you, and accept the answer he chooses to give, or just let it go and let him come back to you when he's ready. Trying to force the situation probably won't benefit anyone.

I don't get along with my mother. Let me rephrase that - we are cordial, but not close at all. I don't have much affection for my mom and rarely seek her out. We were never a good fit as parent/child, and now that I'm grown up and independent, I have to force myself to go see her because I simply don't like her. I do it more for her benefit than my own.

I'm only adding that to point out that sometimes it just goes that way, not because of any failure, or any nefarious plot. Sometimes it just IS.

 

[AJMoore]

She, the wife, sounds like where the problem is. Dr. Phil could handle this! He would tell her that who she is really hurting is her husband and son, denying them the opportunity to have a relationship with people who love them. How does one turn away love? He, Dr. Phil, would also tell her that someday, sometime, they (your son and grandson) will be angry with her (your daughter-in-law) for her refusal to let them be a part of a family that wants them so much.

 

[rfun6]

Time to open up your mouth and tell her and your son what you think and what you want. If she dislikes you already, it's not gonna make any difference if you say what you feel. Shes no good and that's all there is to it. This is your life too, and I think you need to state your feelings to them.

 

[Fudgey]

Suddenly I feel for you, I can only imagine what a prolonged stressed relationship with your son would be like. I wish I could say something to make it all better. I do agree with the nuetral setting for a meeting and not at the birthday party. I would wait until after the party. If this started after they were married then it sounds like she has a hand in it. I had a monster in-law for 15 years and it is not fun, so maybe she is a monster daughter in-law. If you do not get a definite answer from them then maybe you should not call him anymore, turn the tables on him and see what happens. I know this would be a difficult thing to do.
I also do not have a relationship with my mom because of some things that happened as I was growing up, I don’t have the feelings for her like a mother and daughter should. I have to force myself to go see her and I only do that because my grandmother lives with her.
I hope you and you, your son and daughter in-law can work things out. (((((hugs)))))

 

[SuZamme]

I hear you saying that it is very difficult for you to not be a part of your son and grandchild's lives.

Perhaps this is a case of the son choosing to live his life a certain way and for the time, it does not include you.

The only 8 miles apart is a piece of this that makes it much more difficult than if they lived a few states away AND it is still a choice your son is making. He is an adult. However he chooses to be is just what it is. You are not responsible for "fixing" the situation.

Should you have the opportunity to get together with you son one-on-one, please choose the words you use carefully. Even open up contact via email where you read and reread what you write to make certain it is expressing exactly what you are feeling and not manipulative.
For example, starting with the statement "when you ______, I feel ________". Rather than "when you ____, you make me feel ______".
As a counselor, you may also have so many scenarios (tapes) running thru your head from client work that you are not able to clearly see the underlying emotional hooks that you have yourself.
My partner works with individuals that are not seeing these muddy waters in themselves and it really is important for YOU to get some insight into your side of this and then the rest usually ends up resolved in perfect timing as well.

You are obviously a very caring and compassionate Mother and Grandmother. It is sad that your son and his family are not able to see this as well.

 

[glowgirl]

My advice to you is to work on your daughter-in-law. Call her and talk to her instead of your son. Don't talk about problems but instead try to foster a friendship with her. Call to ask for a recipe or advice on something and then make it a habit. Ask her to go to a spa day or shopping. Befriend her and then you will have a closer relationship with all of them. As your bond with her grows, whatever the problems were will naturally come up and you can address them.

That's my uninformed advice for what it's worth.

 

[beebopnjazz]

I wish I had some magic for you - but I don't. My son had a girlfriend that he was so awestruck by that we only saw him for the holidays and birthdays and he lived a few miles away. She was a barracuda - a spoiled rich kid - and two-faced to boot (acting like she was having such a good time, etc.) - it never changed until the relationship went belly-up.

For some reason your DIL has the upper hand in their relationship and he doesn't want to "rock the boat".

Do not have a confrontation at any "family event", you'll look like a "smacked ..." and she'll feel justified for her behavior.

What the other ladies have said about having a conversation on neutral territory is good.

 

[JustKryssi]

Suddenly, I didn't post earlier because I was very overcome reading your post. I could have written it. My post about moving? It's to be near my grandson. I have given up hope trying to be close to my daughter, her new boyfriend, or Gavyn's dad.

Bottom line, no matter what, if your son wanted to see you or for you to see his child, it would happen. It's not your fault. It has taken me awhile to come to terms with this myself.

I tread so lightly and on eggshells just to have the chance to see Gavyn. I really want to beat the s**t out of my daughter and G's father. While he was in jail recently (6 months for multiple DUI), and my daughter decided that she didn't want to be responsible for a child, WE were raising Gavyn. And now, because they have a shift in conscience, the baby is well over a thousand miles away from us.

We have no power as grandparents. We have to kiss .... to see our grandchildren. We might have the right to sue, but it doesn't guarantee anything but a loss of money.

I am so, so, so, so sorry. Try to talk to them without being confrontational. If they don't care about the relationship you have with your grandson, you do...and that relationship is important.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I just feel for you so much. Big Hugs and hopefully you'll have your son and grandson in your life more often.

 

[Stephaniems]

Well untill you know exactly whats going on I wouldnt blame it all on the daughter-in-law.

When me and my husband first got together we lived with his parents for a year and then saved up for a down payment on our own house. Wow the inlaws were there every single freaking weekend for almost 2 years, both my husband and I were tired of having to entertain them all the time on the weekends.

He made a comment that they could skip a few, and then bam they never came back. Went from all the time to none of the time. WTH right? Anyway our 2nd son was diagnosed with autism and they didnt want to have anything to do with him, always getting the oldest for stay overs and trips to zoo or whatever fun thing. My husband said they started having to take turns with the boys. Smack they no longer asked to see the oldest (guess so they didnt have to deal with the one with problems).

Not saying any of this has to do with your family but has anything happend that might make your son want to pull away from you.

Even tho there is some conflicts with his family we always go to family functions, cousins bday parties and holidays. But I have to remind and nag my husband to call on his parents bdays, fathers and mothers day ect. They are out of site so out of mind kinda thing.

Good luck with it I know I wouldnt want to never see my grandchildren if I ever have any. Grandchildren have to be awesome play with them have fun and then send them home lol.