CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[liblue1]

A Penguin Walks Into…
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

 

[spacekitty]

* DNC *

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

That one actually made me LOL... but a lot of people may not get it!!!

 

[spacekitty]

How To Photograph A Puppy (before digital cameras)

• Remove film from box and load camera.
• Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
• Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
• Choose a suitable background for photo.
• Mount camera on tripod and focus.
• Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
• Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
• Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
• Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
• Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
• Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
• Put magazines back on coffee table.
  
• Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head... Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
• Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "Potty, outside!"
• Call spouse to clean up the mess.
• Fix a drink.
• Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink, and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

 

[liblue1]

A Panda Walks Into…
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough,panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

That one actually made me LOL... but a lot of people may not get it!!!

I did.....LOl....

 

[spacekitty]

Pet Chicken

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets. “Who’s the other ticket for?” the ticket girl asked. “For my pet chicken.” He said, pointing to the bird.

“I’m sorry,” the girl tells him, “but we don’t allow animals in the theater.”

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, “Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!”

Amanda replied, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Just ignore him. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

The woman whispered back, “I know, I know, but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

 

[liblue1]

A Horse Walks Into…
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

 

[spacekitty]

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat. One day, he decided to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat again!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answers, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

 

[mac63]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as... on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[spacekitty]

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment
would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit
goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken
change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and
keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross
the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same
time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?”

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

DILBERT: I hate when the title gives away the plot!

 

[mac63]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

[spacekitty]

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”
“Well then, just give me my money back.”
“Cain’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
“OK then, just unload the donkey.”
“What ya gonna do with em.”
“I’m gonna raffle him off.”
“Ya cain’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”
“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”
“Didn’t no one complain?”
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.”

 

[mac63]

WHY SINGLE FEMALES SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But
how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

 

[spacekitty]

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

3. Dachshund:
You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler:
Make me.

5. Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd:
I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make
sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see
that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier:
I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …

13. Greyhound:
It isn’t moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd:
First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle …

15. Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he
finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat’s Answer:
“Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner, and a massage?”

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.

 

[mac63]

Judy got married and had 9 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again, remarried,.... And this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 21 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs."

 

[blivey]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

 

[mac63]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

[blivey]

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

 

[mac63]

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?," she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,"
said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"
The man replied," Idaho ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[blivey]

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did. The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I ...... in the holy water!"

 

[mac63]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time
members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad."
"You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?
Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two a - holes."
"What! He had two a - holes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with
them two a - holes."