When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep. Just like my grandfather.
Not screaming and shouting like the people in his car...
Not screaming and shouting like the people in his car...
CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station
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Just adding one to the great collection here. 
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
The dad went to jail. The mom had to sell her hotel. But the daughter was happy. Why?
They were playing Monopoly!
They were playing Monopoly!
A physicist and a mathematician are in the faculty lounge having a cup of coffee when, for no apparent reason, the coffee machine bursts into flames. The physicist rushes over to the wall, grabs a fire extinguisher, and fights the fire successfully.
The same time next week, the same pair are there drinking coffee and talking shop when the new coffee machine goes on fire. The mathematician stands up, fetches the fire extinguisher, and hands it to the physicist, thereby reducing the problem to one already solved...
The same time next week, the same pair are there drinking coffee and talking shop when the new coffee machine goes on fire. The mathematician stands up, fetches the fire extinguisher, and hands it to the physicist, thereby reducing the problem to one already solved...
A Guy Walks Into…
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A white horse walks into a bar and asks the barman, "what whiskeys do you have?"
The barman replies, "well there's Bells, Jamesons, Famous Grouse, Glenfiddich,... Oh and there's one named after you!"
"What," says the horse, "Eric?"
The barman replies, "well there's Bells, Jamesons, Famous Grouse, Glenfiddich,... Oh and there's one named after you!"
"What," says the horse, "Eric?"
A Bear Walks Into…
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ……………. and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ……………. and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
Grandpa gets audited
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order for it to go, he would say “Thank God” and for it to stop he would have to say “Amen”.
So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
“Whew,” he said. “Thank God.”
So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
“Whew,” he said. “Thank God.”
I've got one for ya...
(it's kind of a Halloween joke)Why don't Witches wear underwear??
Because they get a better grip on the Broom!!
@spacekitty, that may be more true than you think.
Witches supposedly flew by the use of flying ointment. If you look into the various recipes for flying ointment you will find that they were probably very potent hallucinogens. There is a theory that the ointment was applied topically to the mucus membranes and that witches may truly have flown on their broomsticks, although more metaphorically than one usually supposes.
Witches supposedly flew by the use of flying ointment. If you look into the various recipes for flying ointment you will find that they were probably very potent hallucinogens. There is a theory that the ointment was applied topically to the mucus membranes and that witches may truly have flown on their broomsticks, although more metaphorically than one usually supposes.
INTERVIEW WITH A REAL DRINKER
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 six-packs
Lady: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So a six-pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 six-packs a day,
which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would
be $10,800; correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for
inflation, 15 years puts your spending at $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank for the last 15 years,
you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: So where's your Ferrari?
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 six-packs
Lady: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So a six-pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 six-packs a day,
which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would
be $10,800; correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for
inflation, 15 years puts your spending at $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank for the last 15 years,
you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: So where's your Ferrari?
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well it was like this", said the man." I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cows .....
" That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that."
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well it was like this", said the man." I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cows .....
" That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said 50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and
where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
There was a sign on the cage that said 50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and
where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, "Hey, little boy, what are you doing?"
The little boys says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks, mister," says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its unmentionables. "Little boy," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boys says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
The fireman says, "Hey, little boy, what are you doing?"
The little boys says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks, mister," says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its unmentionables. "Little boy," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boys says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
A lady went to the doctor and said, "I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog."
Doctor: "Well, don't worry, it's probably just a phase he's going thru."
Lady: "But doctor, all he'll eat is dog food."
Doctor: "If you're worried about it, bring some in and we'll have it tested to make sure there's
nothing in there that'll harm him."
The lady say ok, leaves, and later drops off the dog food for testing.
Two weeks go by and the test results come back. The doctor calls the lady.
Doctor: "Good news, the dog food tested to be ok."
Lady: "It doesn't really matter now, my husband is dead."
Doctor: "Oh my goodness. It wasn't the dog food, was it?"
Lady: "No. He was laying in the driveway licking himself and I backed over him in the car."
Doctor: "Well, don't worry, it's probably just a phase he's going thru."
Lady: "But doctor, all he'll eat is dog food."
Doctor: "If you're worried about it, bring some in and we'll have it tested to make sure there's
nothing in there that'll harm him."
The lady say ok, leaves, and later drops off the dog food for testing.
Two weeks go by and the test results come back. The doctor calls the lady.
Doctor: "Good news, the dog food tested to be ok."
Lady: "It doesn't really matter now, my husband is dead."
Doctor: "Oh my goodness. It wasn't the dog food, was it?"
Lady: "No. He was laying in the driveway licking himself and I backed over him in the car."
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin' , said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
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