A Smile for you

Discussion in 'The Women's Room' started by Mary Kay, Apr 24, 2009.

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  1. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2009
    Location:
    West Tampa Fl.
    Sorry about all the topic posts but I like choices! I also love jokes and stories. This one has been on the net forever but it's good. maybe one or two of you missed it. Post some funnies for me too!
    Curtain Rods
    She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
    a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
    a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods
    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
    Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping
    and airing the place out.

    Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned
    Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
    which they had to move out for a few days.

    In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
    Nothing worked,
    People stopped coming over to visit,
    Repairmen refused to work in the house. .. The maid quit

    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
    could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

    Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank
    to purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going
    She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be
    willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed
    on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...
    but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and
    within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as
    they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new
    home... including the curtain rods.
     
  2. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2009
    Location:
    West Tampa Fl.
    I wrote this a couple years back for My Brother-In-Law because he loves it when I pick on his big brother. Mary

    Top 5 reason why I am going to Kill Mike:

    5. He goes to the grocery store with me now that he is retired ...ugh. I come back with twice as much as I went for, none of which is good for you!
    [​IMG]
    4. He now thinks we need to be joined at the hip, my hips are big enough as is, thank you! Too much of this married stuff will get us a divorce.
    [​IMG]

    3. He has decided my kichen is an all day diner. I am used to one meal a day and a snack in the morning. I ran out of new ideas for food prep weeks ago!
    [​IMG]

    . I can't get anything done, he wants me to work in the yard with him..or at least supervise and when we are in the house he is napping and doesn't want to be awakened. I'll give him awakened..permantly!
    [​IMG]

    1.We went to Home Depot today. Mike had a list, Mike has a list for everything. Anyway we made our first stop for a pump sprayer to use to spray ant beds. Fine so far. Then we were off to find some replacement screws for my kitchen chairs, they keep coming off for some reason. We also got some lock tight so that they would stay put. After about an hour of comparing screws to every one on the wall (and of course he won't ask for help) we found some. Next on his list was mower blade replacements and a drive belt. Now we were one isle over from them when we got the pump sprayer, before we walked to the other end of the store for screws. Of course we couldn't figure out which ones we needed because there was no converter chart from Home Depot brand to Craftsman. By this time I was ready to scream. That's when I made the mistake of asking what else was on his list..you got it.. a washer for the sink that was 1 isle over from the screws , all the way across the store again! Did I mention that we had to go to the mower shop ACROSS town for the blades and belts? The same place I told him to go in the first place?
    [​IMG]

    I am married to MONK! Who knew? He has to follow the list as written, no skipping around. Just wait Mr. Monk until I tell you I don't feel well and would you please go to the grocery store for me. I have the location of everything memorized. My list will send you from frozen to bakery to health and beauty to fresh veggies and back to frozen. That should wear your oc/ar butt out!
    If you would please, start saving up the bail money now.
    TIA (Thanks in advance)
    Mary
     
  3. V-V

    V-V Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2009
    Location:
    Texas
    I honest to goodness had never heard that first one before Mary, but I've used shrimp before like that. We used to play that trick on one member of our fishing group each trip. I liked to hid them in the hub caps, in the summer, in Florida. :)
     
  4. rejoice

    rejoice Ultra Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Location:
    USA KY
    [​IMG]

    Isn't he cute!
     
  5. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2009
    Location:
    West Tampa Fl.
    I think I dated him..8-o
    V-V did the smell EVER come out?
     
  6. V-V

    V-V Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2009
    Location:
    Texas
    Oh yeah, once they started getting a whiff they knew they'd been had. LOL. I'd tell 'em where it was eventually.

    Once the rotting shells are removed, the smell goes away.
     
  7. bmacva

    bmacva Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2009
    Location:
    Chesapeake, VA
    16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

    1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

    2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".. and see what happens.

    5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

    6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

    9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

    10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

    11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

    13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

    16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"


    DISCLAIMER:
    I have no personal knowledge of any of these :D
     
  8. SilkyVapor

    SilkyVapor Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2009
    Location:
    Tennessee
    Marital Bliss...

    A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

    The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark.

    A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

    Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

    :oops: Karma is a beautiful thing :rolleyes:
     
  9. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2009
    Location:
    West Tampa Fl.
    BMacva, I worked in a Wal-Mart, people do those things!! So it must be all your fault for reposting that list...:D
    It's Beth isn't it? Can I just call you that?
    Silky, I am surprised she didn't roast HIM ala Lorena Bobbit.
    Mary

    An Important Message

    About Growing Old


    *

    *

    Shoot


    Now I Forgot What

    I was going to tell you!!!
























     
  10. SilkyVapor

    SilkyVapor Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2009
    Location:
    Tennessee
    LOL I saw Lorena Bobbit on Oprah the other day. She said her ex still calls and leaves messages for her and sends her cards and flowers for Valentine's Day :shock: It really was a sad story from her point of view, I just wonder how her new boyfriend sleeps at night :lol:
     
  11. bmacva

    bmacva Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2009
    Location:
    Chesapeake, VA

    Yes, you certainly may! :)

    Gotta go now...going to Wal-Mart...
     
  12. bmacva

    bmacva Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2009
    Location:
    Chesapeake, VA

    I have to wonder what is wrong with him, that he still has contact with her...LOL! :shock:
     
  13. ShimmyPrincess

    ShimmyPrincess Super Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2009
    Location:
    The Windy City
    one word: THANKS :rolleyes:
     
  14. Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah

    Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah Vaping Master ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2009
    Location:
    West Allis, WI
    A laugh for today....

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
    mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.

    To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
    You've even named your daughter Candy.'

    He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
    Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

    He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
    This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

    At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
    took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, ****, this guy
    has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go home."



     
  15. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2009
    Location:
    West Tampa Fl.
    Thanks Beth, I get confused by a group of initals or letters.
    Stay out of Wal-mart! Visit K-mart..lol

    Love the new picture Shimmy! But quit encouraging Beth.

    LOL Vicks Vap!

    Silky, I passed by Mom's T.V. and saw Lorena on it. She looks happy now.
    But I do wonder about her new hubby..what was HE thinking on his wedding day! Mary
    ******************************************************
    Cat Joke
    Two older ladies were shopping in the mall when Joanne smiled: "My cat can really play chess!"

    With a shocking expression, Angelina praised Joanne's cat: "Really? It must be very smart!"

    Just when Angelina finished her sentence, Joanne said:" Well... Actually, I don't know about that. I usually win three out of four times."
    [​IMG]
    *********************************************
    Dog Joke

    A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

    So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

    Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

    Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

    "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

    Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

    But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

    The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

    Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

    "Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
    **********************************************
    Another Dog Joke
    A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
    "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.

    " Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

    "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
    This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

    "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
     
  16. Avid

    Avid Resident BOOMKIN!!! Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Supporting member
    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2009
    Location:
    Taxachusetts - The "Let's Vacate" State
    Have you heard about the new "Octo-Mom Breakfast" at IHOP?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    8 eggs, no sausage and somebody else has to pay for it. :)


    (it was the best I could do. sadly, I never remember any good jokes)
     
  17. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2009
    Location:
    West Tampa Fl.
    Avid, I liked that one!
    Mary

    The Census

    A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, 'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Bill y, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . '
    'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?'
    The woman answered,
    ' Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.'
     
  18. sage

    sage Full Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Location:
    Illinois
    THE HUMAN BODY

    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

    The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women reading this will be finished now.

    Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
     
  19. dawnlori

    dawnlori Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2009
    Location:
    North Dakota, USA
    OMG, I manage an off sale liquor store and now I'll be looking at the thumbs on every guy I wait on! What a SCREAM
     
  20. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2009
    Location:
    West Tampa Fl.
    Hi DawnLori, From cold country I see! I spent a few years in Cheyenne..tooooo cold for this Florida girl!
    What I want to know is how are you going to get those guys to let measure their thumbs!
    Hi Sage, I have a dear friend who uses that screen name, but she doesn't smoke, drink run around or do any thing fun..lol
    Mary
     

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