Snail Tales

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  1. Digimon2k

    Digimon2k Unregistered Supplier ECF Veteran

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    This is the story serialization of the ongoing and never-ending conversation in the Snails thread.

    PLEASE!!!
    Keep this a read-only thread.
    Do Not Post Comments here.


    Feel free to PM me if you like what you read, or come see us at the Response on threads thread here in the OUTSIDE.

    I'll post new pages as I write them, and thanks for reading!

    :laugh:

    -deejman2k
    --gun-toting kitty of the apocalypse
     
  2. Digimon2k

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    THE EFFECT OF GLOBAL WARMING ON THE COMMON GARDEN SNAIL
    (adapted for the page by Deejman2k)


    I am Deejman. Not quite as powerful as saying something like, “I Am Legend,” but that one’s already been taken.

    There are many who still to this day question my true name. To them, and to you my dear reader, I say, “You have but to ask. But it’s not important.”

    And indeed it is not. What is important, what is at the very core of this most needful of tales, is not what happens when a conversation begins. We’ve all taken part in conversations that begin, and we’ve been present when conversations end.

    The core of the tale I am about to bring to you, oh reader, is what if a conversation begins…and never ends?

    Fear, if you must, the tale you are about to read. Take comfort in the knowledge that you are only reading it, and pity those who fell into the grip of the conversation that would not end.

    Take heed, however! This tale is told in a mixture of 1st and 3rd person. Which is used depends upon my general mood at the moment and shall not be subject to gainsay.

    For I Am Deejman.


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  3. Digimon2k

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    It was a dark and stormy night. Not the common every-day lack of solar illumination, nor the typical atmospheric upheavals one commonly sees upon the Weather Channel.

    No, on this dark and stormy night, it was neither dark nor stormy. It was actually mid-morning and the sun was bright. But stories that start with, “It was a bright and cheery day” just don’t sell.

    “How would you feel,” she asked, “if you asked a question and nobody answered? Or simply acknowledged that you had even asked it? Everybody needs to know that someone’s listening. No matter how insignificant the question, couldn’t we at least acknowledge that person’s existence? Let them know that they belong to the greater family of humanity?”

    “Hey! How you doing?” asked the Joker.

    He couldn’t help it. It was, after all, his very nature. The very reason he was known as simply, “Joker.” It would, as we shall not so very soon see, be the cause of anguish. Or merriment.

    “But what if I don’t have an answer?” asked a curious passer-by. “Should I respond with a polite but useless reply that might prevent someone more knowledgeable from answering the question at hand?”

    “I didn’t ask my question looking for answers! I just wanted to get the point across that we should respond to someone’s question so they know they’re not being ignored!”

    “Oh! Look! A shiny nickel!” was all Angus had to say.


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  4. Digimon2k

    Digimon2k Unregistered Supplier ECF Veteran

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    Angus was, after all, attracted by shiny things. Or so it would seem. He was, at least, ruggedly handsome according to Kat.

    Shortly thereafter, a free-for-all took place. One of those free-for-alls that are not unlike a group version of the free-association game some pseudo-intellectuals enjoy playing. And psychiatrists. It is said that psychiatrists also enjoy free-association, but whether it is to delve into a person’s psyche, or simply drive up billable hours, is a matter best left to others.

    Then, out of nowhere, a strong, clear voice stated, “I feel compelled to comment for no reason at all.”

    Her name was Lisa. Lisa of the piercing blue eye.

    “Lisa is here!” cried the Joker, “It’s all downhill from here.”

    “I just ate a chocolate Klondike bar.” replied Lisa, for that was her way. “What’s the topic, anyway?”

    Hearing her question, Jerry couldn’t help but be moved by the plaintive quality her voice took on as she spoke this simple inquisitive statement.

    Being the helpfully polite person he is known far and wide as being, he simply stated, “The effect of global warming on the common garden snail. It will be a conversation that never ends.”

    Kat agreed, despite Elendil's assurance that he could end it with a mere flick of a finger. Many to this day question Elendil’s true name. They do not, however, question the power of his finger-flicks.


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  5. Digimon2k

    Digimon2k Unregistered Supplier ECF Veteran

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    And so the Conversation began.

    Jerry immediately petitioned Elendil for a flick of the finger, but his petition was blocked by Kat for reasons which were unfathomable to the gathered crowd.

    In support of Jerry, and flabbergasted at Kat's blockage, Lisa proffered a tale of a recent experience in a her water closet. At first this seemed to shatter Kat's resolve, but Elendil in his wisdom chose to withhold the flicking of fingers. This inadvertently gave Kat renewed strength to maintain her blockage. Little did anyone suspect the inherent and subtle irony imbedded within this paragraph.

    People in the crowd began to heckle and jeer. Lu (of Zambuca fame) strode through the unruly mob, proclaiming her intent to defend the Conversation from unwarranted endage. This seemed to cow the gathering throng into a sullen submission.

    Kat, in an attempt to regain control of the situation, proclaimed, "What is all this nonsense? Jerry and I were trying to have a serious discussion about global warming and common nails and how to best hammer them!"

    At this, a local tanner by the name of S. Hyde (it's not important) offered up his hickory-handled framing hammer as an effective tool for performing the finest hammering known to him.

    Kat pondered S. Hyde's offer, and asked, "But what type of nail do you use?"


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  6. Digimon2k

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    This prompted the local tavern maid to ask, "Was that 'nail' or 'snail'?"

    "Either one will do!", replied Kat in her most withering tone. "Either one will do!"

    Jerry became confused at this point, but perhaps did not realize it, as he declared in a bellowing tone, "Let's get back on topic! How to nail snails!"

    Kat joined in with, "But be careful not to slip in the slime!"

    The crowd was shocked and awed by the obvious wisdom of this, and soon dispersed back from whence they came.

    Early the next morning, just after breakfast, Jerry suddenly sat bolt upright and exclaimed, "Of course! The topic is 'Do Snails Eat Nails'! Why didn't I see that before?"

    By the purest of impure chances, Kat was walking by at this precise moment, and echoed Jerry's query with, "Do they?"

    When Lu, from the Land of Zambuca, heard of this minor exchange, she could be heard murmuring, "No, I think they're herbivores." Lu was indeed wise in this matter.

    ***

    It is a sad but all-too-often happenstance that two personages of nigh-equal talents soon become adversaries. Such was the case with Kat and Jerry. Both equally gifted in gastropod affairs, theirs was not to be a long-lasting, jovial relationship.


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  7. Digimon2k

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    Although history does not record who struck the first blow, let alone who shmushed the first snail, what is clear is that one day, Kat was seen speaking with Lu Zambuca of the New Yorkshire Zambuca clan.

    "Can you keep Jerry busy?", Kat asked.

    Before Lu of the Zambuca lineage could replay, however, Elendil appeared from one of those places only Elendil appears from and asked, "Can I help?"

    Sensing that Lu (originating in the Zambucal epoch) had lost interest in her, Kat quickly turned and entreated Elendil with the Jerry busy-making request. Choosing to exercise his rapier-like wit instead of his flicking fingers, Elendil asked, "But who is going to keep you busy?"

    Elendil is wise indeed in such matters.

    And although history does not record who informed Jerry of Kat's indiscretion, it is clear that Jerry did indeed learn of it. It is also clear that history is a rather poor recorder of events dealing with snails and never-ending conversations. Fortunately, I, your humble reporter, am willing to make things up as I see fit.

    "Thanks a lot, Kat! Here I am just trying to get the conversation back on topic, and you're trying to get everyone against me!"

    "Well, hello Jerry," Kat replied. "I heard that Elendil and Lu are looking for you. They have a mandate to eliminate snail slime from the town, and thought you would be able to help. Truly, a worthwhile project."


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  8. Digimon2k

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    "Ah, yes! I did see a number of the little critters crawling around the ECF building. I shall get my hammer and make haste to join Elendil and Lu!"

    To this day, no one is precisely sure what the ECF building is, nor where it is located. What is sure is that it was indeed the target of a number of snails. What is also sure is that upon reaching the ECF building, Jerry found an unexpected and unusual situation.

    "These critters are fast! And they keep trying to bite me with their sharp teeth! Wait a minute! These aren't snails! These are...ARRRRRRRGH!"

    And with that, Jerry fell silent.


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  9. Digimon2k

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    "Fortunately, I was able to duck into a nearby closet where I found some flammable cleaning fluid. I threw the fluid onto those...things...and then tossed a lit match into it. In the chaos that ensued, I was able to escape!", Jerry explained. (The astute reader may have noticed that we still do not know precisely what Jerry encountered. This shall be revealed soon. When I, your ever-faithful reporter, feel like it.)

    "Just one little problem, though. It set the ECF building on fire. I think I may be in a little bit of trouble. But that's not important. What is important came to me in a brilliant flash completely unrelated to the fire...should snail slime be an e-juice flavor?"

    This was a most important question that Jerry had just posed. E-juice, as is known throughout the intelligent world, is known for its antibacterial and virucidal properties when properly prepared. Flavored e-juice is the most highly prized of all e-juices. Snail-slime flavored e-juice was certain to be highliest of highly prized e-juices, and Jerry knew it.

    "I'm so glad you escaped, Jerry," Kat replied, "Perhaps we should send Elendil and Lu of the planet Zambuca to check on the fire. But this snail-slime flavored e-juice...HELP! HELP! FIRE!"

    As it happens, snail-slime flavored e-juice, if not prepared under the most stringent conditions, tends to be a bit oily and will clog an atomizer unit. This has the tendency of overheating said unit, hence the fire. History does not record this, but we all know about the shortcomings of history.

    "Perhaps while Kat is tending to her fire, now would be a good time to wrap up this conversation and put it to an end," Jerry mused.

    In this matter, Jerry was, although wise in the desire to end the conversation, acting alone. Conversations cannot be ended in that manner. Jerry would soon discover this.


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  10. Digimon2k

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    "So, I burned off my eyebrows, singed my arm hair, but managed to save your e-cig," cried Kat, "Don't you think I should have a say in ending this conversation?"

    "Very well," replied Jerry, "Since you saved my e-cig, I agree. Does anybody know when this conversation will end?"

    "Certainly not anytime soon." replied Kat. And in this matter, Kat was most wise.

    On a slightly tangential note, an e-cig is a device prized as highly as e-juice. It is the e-cig which allows the e-juice to be enjoyed by the cognoscenti throughout the land. And now, back to our story currently in progress...

    As Kat proclaimed that the conversation would not end soon, Nora Knotsewgud proffered an opinion thusly, "This is one of the most entertaining conversations I've eavesdropped on in a long time. Pray continue forever!"

    Little did Nora know that her request just might be really realized in reality.

    Lu of the Zam nebula in the Buca cluster did, however, know. She took it upon herself to warn Nora of Jerry and Kat's fell plan to end the conversation. Upon hearing of this, our intrepid Nora Knotsewgud took up the challenge of defending the conversation from endage. It was in this convoluted way that Nora ensured that her request would really be realized in reality.

    Seemingly out of nowhere, Kat turned to Jerry and proclaimed, "You are quite handsome!"

    "Thanks, Kat. I get my looks from the hamster side of my family," Jerry replied.

    "That explains your difficulty with snails! You have to get off the wheel before you can nail snails!" In this, Kat was most...

    (Is anybody but me getting tired of the "most wise" phrase? I mean, really! If everybody is "most wise", there's no room for foolishness!)


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  11. Digimon2k

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    Jerry's appearance had suddenly blurred and reformed into something quite different. It was perhaps this that caused Kat to say what she said about Jerry, who had indeed become most handsome.

    The ability to change one's appearance is due to the magically technological powers granted by the ECF. Or the technologically magical powers. To this day, there are those who remain confused as to which is the more correct phraseology in this regard. Even those who know precisely what the ECF building is. Which we do not.

    Nora Knotsewgud found the idea of Jerry's changing appearance to be somewhat confusing, saying, "Quit trying to confuse me! It works so easily!"

    "Such was my purpose in changing my appearance! It will confuse both enemy and friend!"

    "Actually, I think he's in the Witness Security program," said Kat, "There's a rumor going around about a recent fire and... well, I'm not one for gossip, so we'll just leave that be for now."

    "It was an accident! I had no intention of burning down the ECF building! No jury would ever convict me!", blustered Jerry.

    From a shower of shimmering particles, Elendil's voice proclaimed, "You are all doomed!"

    Fortunately, there was no finger-flicking performed, as showers of shimmering particles have no fingers to flick.

    "I have already dealt with Lu of the Zambu river in the Ca valley!", the voice said, and a laugh best described as whimsically evil, the shimmering particle shower dissipated into the non-shimmering air.

    "Lu shall rise from the ashes! For I am Kat, and I know these things!"

    In this, Kat was most confident. (bet you thought I was going to say, "wise," didn't you!)


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  12. Digimon2k

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    Seeing something out of the corner of his left eye, Jerry turned to face full-on a horde of...

    "Kat! Look out! Behind you! A herd of flesh-eating snails! Save yourself before it's too late!"

    It is a well-known fact that unnecessary stress should be avoided whenever possible. It is for this reason that I will tell you this: Kat escaped from the stampeding herd of flesh-eating snails by the skin of her lower left leg. It was quite terrifying to watch as they closed on Kat as she tried to flee the raging horde. Onlookers were paralyzed with fright, unable to come to Kat's aid even if it were possible. It is a credit to Kat's agility and quick-thinking that she was able to adroitly escape the fearsome snail herd.

    After everyone had calmed down from the serious adrenaline overload, Jerry pondered, "So... where did Elendil bury Lu Zam from Buca?"

    "Probably wherever you told him too, Jerry!' replied Kat.

    "I'm sure that you and he are working together in some fell plot! Be warned, however, for Zambuca's Lu has some seriously wicked claws and as sure as my name is Kat, she is probably digging her way out as we speak!"

    “Lu has retired,” said a mysterious voice that sounded mysteriously like Elandil’s mysterious voice, “She lives still, but has been safely tucked away.”

    “I’ll bet he’s hidden her under his magical hood,” said Kat.

    There was no reply.

    Shortly after this brief exchange, a random Wizard passed by and asked if anyone could possibly tell him the subject of the conversation. Nora tried to explain about snails and nails and kidnappings and hamsters and ended with, “My…my…head is just spinning! So much has happened! I’m so confused! I just don’t know anymore!”


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  13. Digimon2k

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    It is clear that at this very moment, Nora’s mind became capable of fully enjoying the conversation, for no unconfused person has a chance in navigating the subtle complexities of snails, nails, kidnappings and hamsters. This has been proven time and again in carefully controlled laboratory studies conducted by the highest level of the government.

    Back to the story…

    Onlookers were stunned at this moment when, stepping through a curtain of visible photonic radiation, Lu appeared wearing Zambuca’s latest creation, clearly tailored with impeccable care.

    “It began,” she said, “with this: How would you feel if you asked a question and nobody answered?”

    “Soon thereafter, scalliwags came along and tried to pollute the pure and innocent answers to that question…”

    “Lu!” exclaimed Kat, “You got away! I knew you would! I warned them! Jerry and Elendil are creating so much mischief and chaos!”

    “Hi Lu,” said Jerry, “I see you escaped from Elendil’s foul clutches. Keep an eye on these two scalliwags Kat and Nora Knotsewgud! They are trying to ruin things for us good and decent people.”

    “I have been keeping order!” protested Kat.

    “Where’s my shovel? It’s getting deep around here!” Jerry retorted. “Ah! Wizard! Perhaps you can aid me in restoring order around here. I’ve been trying, but I am but one man against many rapscallions!”

    The Wizard, who was actually probably the wisest person we’ve seen so far, slowly and carefully backed away, preferring not to become involved in the drama he sensed was to come.


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  14. Digimon2k

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    Kat bore in on the attack, “Oh yes! While you and Elendil were plotting the overthrow of the conversation by kidnapping ZambucaLu, I was setting everything straight!”

    “And I bring photographic evidence!” It was the Joker, speaking in that merry tone of voice that only the Joker can speak in.

    “See here! The magical hood of Elendil! And here! The image of none other than Lu! And even more compelling… more indicting… here, the image of Jerry!”

    Kat was ecstatic at this turn of events. “Thank you, Joker! You have saved the day! We must rise up against this kind of activity! Elendil! You have been busted!’

    The Joker turned to Jerry, and in his most somber of jokerly somber tones, intoned, “I am here to officially notify you that you have been relieved from snail removal duty.”

    “Thank you for removing Jerry from snail duty,” gloated Kat, “Now, if you can just get him back into his hamster cage, I’m sure we can get everything around here back on track!”

    Jerry was, of course, mortified at being removed from snail removal duty.

    “Is this going into my permanent ECF file? And are snails faster than snail mail?”

    Joker slowly shook his head, “Sorry, Jerry, but I think that due to the fire you caused, combined with your lack of ability vis-à-vis snail removal, your future is beginning to look rather bleak.”

    “But the fire was an accident, I’m telling you! If only Angus had given me that key to the executive washroom and… perhaps I’m saying too much.”


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  15. Digimon2k

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    In the most contemptuous tone that she was capable of mustering, Kat said, “We have managed to fight off arsonists and kidnappers. We have halted the slaughter of snails by nails. We have put down all sort of nefarious deeds. Jerry, you! You have been the opposition leader throughout! You and your sidekick Elendil! And snails are indeed faster than snail mail!”

    Removing his Cloak of Apparent Obscurity (available at your local Wizards 'R' Us), the Wizard approached Jerry and said, "I have no idea what this whole conversation is about. Elendil and snails? Perhaps I should travel through time itself to the beginning?"

    "Its really quite simple," replied Jerry. "In the Beginning was the question, 'How would you feel if you asked a question and nobody answered?'"

    Striking a stunning professorial pose, Jerry continued, "Then, Kat began flirting with Angus. Soon thereafter, Kat and ZambucaLu began fighting over who would have the last word. In the meantime, Lisa knocked a train off it's tracks, but Lu deleted it."

    Let's pause here for a moment to ponder the awesome power displayed by ZambucaLu. How many times in your life, dear Reader, have you ever seen anybody delete an entire train; not to mention the tracks as well?

    Jerry continues, "I tried to get the conversation back on track, but Kat started talking about nailing snails! Elendil joined with me in the struggle against the ensuing chaos, but ZambucaLu rose up in opposition to him, so he kidnapped her."

    "Then, as Nora Knotsewgud joined foul forces with Kat to return us all to chaos, I was sent to the ECF building despite not being sure what nor where it is, for snail removal duty. Somehow, a fire started and the ECF building burned down. I came back here to find that I'm in trouble with the Joker because of the fire and everyone is trying to blame it on Elendil and myself. Quite simple, really."

    And indeed it is quite simple in much the same way that defining a quantum irregularity is quite simple.


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  16. Digimon2k

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    "Oh yes, quite simple indeed," sneered Kat, "Now that you look at the whole picture. But you left out a few details, didn't you?"

    The Wizard's raised eyebrow prompted Kat to continue.

    "There was the incident of the Klondike bar being eaten by Lisa, not to mention that water closet experience of which we would hear not. And let us not forget that friendly Tanner who proffered up a hammer for the nailing of snails caught by global warming."

    As Jerry begin to respond to Kat's charges, she pressed on. "And you, Jerry, you changed names around! You excluded the part about you yourself being the arsonist who burned down the ECF Building despite not being sure where it is, nor what it is!"

    Changing to quiet, low-pitched voice, Kat continued, "All of this, Jerry, all of this while abetting Elendil in ZambucaLu's kidnapping. We've seen the truth of it. Joker brought us the proof."

    With this, Kat whirled to face the others that had gathered and proclaimed, "And the part about the snails is entirely true! But I only spoke of it! I was not the one nailing them!"

    The Wizard, in a calm manner that Wizards everywhere are known for, intoned, "That explains it. I shall now depart back to Snuffyland until there is need for me once again.."

    As the Wizard departed, a low, merry little chuckle was heard, combined with the tinkling of tiny bells. It was the Joker, returning from whence he had gone.

    "Ah! You've been caught leaving out some details, have you? There are those who call that the telling of lies. So, what do we say now, hmmmm? I myself am much more likely now to rely upon Kat's integrity. Oh, shame, Jerry. Shame on you."

    "At last!" cried Kat. "My integrity has been restored, and we can finally return this conversation to it's true and only topic: Whatever did ZambucaLu do with the snails."


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  17. Digimon2k

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    With a tinkle of little hat-bells, Joker said, "Yum! Escargot! Oh, waiter...?"

    Caught off-guard by this, Kat was heard to mumble, "Joker seems to have an odd passion for snails. I wonder if there is more here than meets the eye. Or the ear. Perhaps...the conspiracy grows!"

    The ruggedly handsome Angus, who had suddenly appeared next to Kat, said, "Shhhh. Do not speak of conspiracies. You'll attract Lisa, and there is no telling what would happen if you did."

    Turning to Angus, with a growing smile upon her lips, Kat replied, "Yes, I see what you mean. We do want to keep things on track, to be sure. And we have done such a wonderful job of it, don't you think, you ruggedly handsome hunk!"

    "Oh, Kat, you are obviously a person of exquisite taste," replied Angus.

    "Then why is he pointing his gun at you, Kat?" cried Jerry.

    "He's not aiming at me! Duck!" shouted Kat.

    "Angus is aiming at a duck? Where did a duck come from? We're supposed to be discussing snails!"

    "You can plainly see that I am aiming just slightly to the left of you," said Angus in a calm and soothing voice. "I hear that trolls like to sneak up on folk from a bearing of 36.2 degrees off true north."

    Since the concept of 'true north' is frequently overlooked, my publishers have asked that I spend a paragraph or two discussing this. It is hoped that this small educational interlude will bring about greater peace and understanding throughout the world, and that it will finally heal the great rift that has existed for millennia between snails and ducks.

    To begin with, the reader may or may not know that there are actually two north poles.


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  18. Digimon2k

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    Many have been aware of the existence of true north for some time, but perhaps less aware of it’s true nature. There has been much disinformation spread about regarding True North, and the task of getting the truth of it into the minds of you, my faithful reader, is a task I happily undertake.

    First, let us consider the North Pole. This is where Santa Claus is rumored to live, and many falsehoods exist in an attempt to convince the world that this is the “True” North Pole. It will soon become clear that this is nothing more than a feeble attempt to dupe the world at large.

    There is also something called the Magnetic North Pole. This is where all the magnetic compasses in the world have conspired to point their little compassy needles toward.

    Clearly, there cannot be two north poles, as this would be highly confusing. People would be getting lost all the time, even those with GPS units built into the dashboards of their private vehicles.

    Therefore, a group of well-respected men, women, ducks and snails came together in the summer of some year to resolve the issue. The meeting was originally going to be held in the winter, but snails hibernate during the winter, so the meeting was rescheduled. Naturally, this required that the meeting place be changed to a more … festive … locale.

    At this meeting, this well respected group found that given the two opposing extremes held by the North Pole (the “Northies”) and Magnetic North Pole (the “Maggies”), the views held by the True North Pole (the “Truthers”) must lie somewhere in between.

    My publishers and I hope that we have, in some small way, contributed to the overall level of intelligence in the world at large. We would also like to make special thanks to Sammy Snail and Daryl Duck, without whose assistance we would surely never have been able to bring this vital, need-to-know information to you.

    We know return to our tail … er … tale in progress…


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  19. Digimon2k

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    Kat was perplexed. "Clearly, I'm in the wrong conversation," she said. "I thought this was the conversation about genetically modified ducks! Now, where did I put my snail food?"

    The uncertainty regarding the present location of her snail food seemed sufficient impetus to snap Kat out of her perplexosity in sufficient time to hear the Joker say, "Although the kissing up to me is appreciated, it will get you nowhere."

    The Joker then turned to Jerry, and with a forlorn expression said, "Abandon your Quest for the Key. Take my example, for I relieve myself upon my truck tire. Well, Angus' truck tire, but none else need know of this."

    Kat returned once again to the border of perplexosity (a border shared with the states of confusiosity and ludicrosity). "I can't believe that you just confessed to such a deed while the ruggedly handsome Angus is holding such a powerful and truly awesome weapon which is ruggedly handsome in its own right! Besides, you can't be sending Jerry out into the unsuspecting world!"

    "Ah, Kat, you are indeed wise in such matters! I have indeed been instructed to keep close watch over Jerry, so if he were to go out into the unsuspecting world, somebody would have to hold his hand. And that somebody most assuredly would not be me!"

    "Perhaps you could cuff him before taking him out," Kat replied, "And have you perhaps considered a heavy-duty collar?"

    At this moment, a non-specific cancer wandered through, leaving sporadic genetic mutations in its wake. "Elendil is a sellout. He went corporate. He is now no longer relevant. Jerry is definitely a first round draft pick to take his place."

    The cancer then wandered off, as such is the way of these things.

    As Kat, Jerry and the Joker gazed at the departing cancer, Jerry whispered, "In the short time I have graced the ECF with my presence, they have compiled a dossier on me that is thicker than a major metropolitan telephone book."


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  20. Digimon2k

    Digimon2k Unregistered Supplier ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2010
    Location:
    Sweet Home Alabama
    "Geez!' exclaimed Nora Knotsewgud. "I'm only gone for a day, and look what happens! We get accused of all sort of unsavory deeds, Kat starts flirting with everyone instead of concentrating on everyone's safety, Jerry is ... being Jerry, the Joker is doing who knows what ... and what happened to Lu? Did she get kidnapped yet again?"

    Wearing an exasperated expression (available at fine retailers everywhere), Nora stomped off, saying, "I have to get to work now. Everyone behave! Don't make me come after you! I have a bigger gun than Angus! Although it isn't ruggedly handsome, it is perilously pretty!"

    Calling after her, the Joker said, "We're pretty sure that ZambucaLu is lost in the hood. Elendil's hood, that is. We're just not sure who to send out on a Quest to find her. We know it can't be Jerry, because he might set Elendil on fire!"

    It was at this very moment that Lisa, remembering something Kat had mentioned only a page or two earlier, said, "Did somebody say conspiracy theory? I told you they were going to kill all of us! I've seen the coffins!"

    The Joker, upon hearing this, had a revelation. "It's those snails! Jerry must have injected them with some form of disease! They are sliming everything, and the we get the slime on us and that's all she wrote! I read about this in some books written by the Mayans! They predicted this would happen!'

    Despite the direness of what the Joker had just said, everyone looked about them perplexedly. This was because nobody knew just who the "she" was the Joker had just mentioned, let alone what "she" had written. Obviously, this is just one more thing that History does not record. History is very lazy, and will most certainly not be getting a rise in pay during it's next annual review.

    "Oh carp! She's here! Lisa's here! Run for your lives!" cried Angus in a ruggedly handsome tone of voice.

    Clearly, the "she" of which Angus spoke is not the same "she" of which the Joker spoke.


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: snail tales
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