After 2 previous psychologists had been terrible, Dr Tilly kept harassing me for 12 months to see one. During which time the new practice regularly called me in for follow-up on insignificant things
I finally gave in, and saw Beenish Shazhad. A very young, pregnant recent graduate
She told me to sign a form. But would not let me read it. She was quite taken aback by me wanting to. I attempted to take it out to the waiting room, to read it. And she cracked the ....s
So mere minutes in. It was going badly
I only got to read enough of the contract to see that it included Dr Kruk's name as well
She asked me my goals. And I said that I was only there because Dr Tilly had pressured me for 12 months.
This looped a few times. She kept saying that it is important to have goals
She took a history. Including childhood memories. She asked if growing up was safe. I said that nuclear families don't happen in modern times. That my life was never in danger, but growing up probably wasn't ideal
She asked something like "So, no sexual abuse or anything?" And I said that there was, but it was just stupid
She asked me what happened with that. And I said that I wasn't certain. I remember being alone in a caravan with a friend of the family. Sisters and mum were in a cabin. We were at Lake Epilog
She said "And then what happened?"
I said that it was dark, with just a small black and white TV for light. Playing I think I Love Lucy with no sound
She just kept asking "And then what happened?" Which I guess was just inexperience. Until she cried out in shock "He raped you?!"
I said "Yes, but it was just stupid. And over quickly." Which she didn't take well
She asked me if that was the only unusual thing in my childhood. And I explained the situation with broken homes. She mentioned gaslighting and scribbled lots of notes. Said that we need to come back to that
She again questioned goals. And I explained that I wasn’t there by choice
She said "Well, how do you sleep?" And I explained. She first interpreted it as me being a night owl. And I clarified
She said "Well, that can be bad too" and proceeded to lecture me on sleep for half an hour
I kept explaining that I am not new to this. All that had been tried and failed over a decade ago
She got really pushy. And I asked her what had changed about sleep in the last 15 years
She kept citing new research. And nothing about changes in sleep with age, or society etc
I kept asking. And she kept repeating studies. We yelled back and forth, until she cried out "Nothing! Sleep has been exactly the same for thousands of years!" And I thanked her for answering. Told her to continue what she was saying
She screamed "THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED? IT'S OBVIOUS!"
And I asked obvious to who? Someone who studied sleep? To which she said that she had never studied sleep.
I pointed out that she had just lectured me for half an hour about sleep. And she decided that sleep was all psychology degrees cover. For 4 years, they discuss nothing but sleep. She then described herself as an expert on sleep
We both yelled a lot. We both should have terminated the appointment
I told her that there was no respect between us. She had shown me none, right from not letting me read the contract. And I didn’t respect her. I asked what strategies she knew, to build trust
She suggested “Trust Exercises” or falling into each other’s arms. I asked if I could film her fall and hit her head
My memories are a tangled mess of fragments. She asked about socialising, and I mentioned a recent lunch. She aggressively pushed me to seek romance with my friend, Ally. Who is in her 60s, and a lesbian
I called her a ....ing ....., and told her she only sees males as an erection on legs. That she probably has syphilis, and a .... oozing with puss, from being such a filthy ...... I kept explaining that men and women can be friends, with no sex involved
She insisted that she had only had one sexual partner. Explained that it was an arranged marriage, but she had learned to love him
She said that nobody had ever treated her so bad “And I grew up in India”
I have blanks in my memory, but she said “I have absolutely no idea what to say” and I said that was fine. I leaned back in my chair for a nap, and let out a huge fart
She kept speaking over me. I asked if she was aware that I was in the room. She ignored me, at a time when mum’s hearing had been particularly bad, and her implant was broken
I screamed “ARE YOU AWARE THAT I AM IN THE ROOM?” which she ignored
I repeated it, and she said “YES! It’s obvious” I asked “Obvious to who? To you?”
At some point, she said “Oh, you are street smart, because you’ve been homeless. You know something’s up”
She said that she wouldn’t see me. And I stupidly asked if it was because I insisted that she answer my questions
She said “You just… You’ll just,,, “
I asked “What? Expect you to finish your sentences, and answer questions?”
I tried to leave, and she blocked the door, stood in front of it. I told her to move, and she said that she just wanted to talk. I pushed her into the door, with my tummy (I was 120kg at the time) and she said that she was pregnant, the door handle was putting pressure on her womb. I told her that she would no longer be pregnant, if she didn’t move. And I pushed out my tummy to put pressure on her
I also messed up her hair
She folded to one side. Hung her head in her hands and said “No one’s ever treated me like that before” I turned off the light on my way out, as a final display of disrespect
On my way out, I asked the receptionist if I had to sign a medicare form. And Mandy said “That’s what you have to say? After that?”
I think receptionist spoke to Beenish on internal phone, and said they have CCTV footage
A guy, as I was walking out said “Are you OK?” and I thought that he meant me, I explained that she can’t block the exit and detain patients. But he meant Beenish, Who was just passing
through
She went into Paula’s office, and yelled at Dr Tilly, saying “You put me in danger!” and he kept saying “I didn’t know”
I never went back to Dr Tilly
