Been away from here for a while, and not doing very good :(

[Circa Survivor]

I know I'm not a popular user on here like Baditude and all them, been I figured I'd post my story since I've been away.

I've been vaping for the past 9 months, and within the past month, I have unfortunately started to smoke cigarettes again.

In the past I have had problems with depression and anxiety (it started about 3 years ago) and I was on Lexapro and xanax for over a year. Everything was great and I was able to go places and socialize. I stopped taking it a almost 2 years ago thinking I was fine enough to stop. I was, until about 3 weeks ago, all this anxiety started rushing back out of nowhere. It didn't help that I got some sort of flu that was going around but have since recovered from that. At this point, I am afraid to leave my house. I have been having a hell of a time going to work, which was never an issue a month ago. I have had to take time off for the flu and for my anxiety and depression. I broke down at work in front of my boss (not something I'm proud of) and told him I have had these problems in the past and that I need to get back on my Lexapro. So at the beginning of this week, I went to my doctor, which I had a VERY hard time doing as I wanted to pass out and throw up the entire time. She got me back on my meds, but with any kind of anti-depressant it takes a while for it to build up in your system.

I have already taken 4 days off of work, and I'm still afraid to leave my house to do any basic task like going grocery shopping or even just driving (I start to have a panic attack anytime I get stopped at a stop light in traffic.) I'm afraid of losing my job, but I think I can do the FMLA stuff but I'm having doubts on whether what I'm experiencing would allow me to do that. I'll have to read up on what I can do, but I'm just so afraid of losing my job, which would devastate my girlfriend and I know I would get looked down upon by everyone I know. I've been so stressed about it that my body feels my vapes are inadequate and I unfortunately picked up a pack of cigarettes and started smoking again. I'm just so scared right now and I feel like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of.

I know it's not the end of the world, but my mind is telling me that it is, and it's worrying me so bad

 

[Asbestos4004]

Hey man, I'm at a loss for words but I'll send up a prayer for you.

 

[Tracey1]

Ask your doctor to prescribe a timed released xanax. you only have to take it once a day and it works great. it goes from half a milligram dose to 2 milligrams doses. I take a one milligram pill once a day. It has really changed my life. I no longer get anxiety and chase it with a small dose pill. once a day and I'm good.
try to determine what it is that makes it so hard to leave your house. if you can figure that out you could probably start on a road to recovery. I know it's not easy but you gotta try. good luck to you friend.

 

[57chilicat]

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing these feelings. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but the medications take a while to balance out and become effective. Hang in there and know that you do have people here who care. Find things to keep your mind occupied like hanging out here with us! My thought are with you and don't stress about the smokes right now. You will be strong and get back to vaping when you are ready. You have done it once and you can do it again ! Just concentrate on YOU!

 

[Frenchfry1942]

But, you have the humbleness to know that this is a better way. Take care in going the better way in all things. Welcome home.

 

[vapero]

try to up your nicotine , keep smoking if you feel you need, get some light (sunlight or a SAD Lamp) take omega 3, niacine.

All those have helped me a lot when feeling the same

just take your time and stop ruminating on bad thoughts

I would strongly recommend "the depression cure" by Steve Ilardi
http://www.amazon.com/The-Depression-Cure-Program-without/dp/0738213888
I really has helped me a lot

 

[roxynoodle]

Right now, you probably don't need more to worry about. Try to focus on the idea that these feelings will be under control once the meds build up in your system. When you are feeling better, then you can work on trying vaping again. Positive thoughts sent for you.

 

[Mrs C]

As long as you meet the general requirements for FMLA leave, it will cover the issues you are having.
Your Dr just needs to fill out the forms. I know this from experience.

Hang in there, take it 1 day or 1 hour at a time until the meds take hold.

 

[LeftofCenter]

Hey there, sending out some peaceful energy your way. Hang in there!
Try to take each day a moment at a time, don't think any further ahead than what you have to do right now. Example.... Right now I have to shower, that's it. After you're done you think I have to get dressed that's it.
Apply this even when driving, I just have to drive to the next traffic light, that's it and then on to the next.

When you think too far ahead you can overwhelm yourself and the anxiety gets hold of you. Try to remember to keep breathing deeply, big deep breaths help keep you calm.

I wish I had more to offer you, but I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[cathouse]

Hi, CS, I know this wasn't an easy thing for you to post but I'm sure glad you did. Almost every single thing you wrote hit home because it's all happened to me, too, only mine started 20+ years ago instead of 3. I even quit my job at the time but then begged them to take me back a few days later. It worked, and I'll be retiring from there in just a few weeks.

It's so cool to see the good vibes and good advice you've gotten already. Other than another "hang in there, Please" there's not much I can add. Just know it DOES get better. Give it some time, of course, but if the Lexapro doesn't do the trick anymore -- ask your doc about trying something else. btw...I don't know if you have pets, but I've found that the love & attention they can give you can be a huge help, too.

Peace. (And Purrs from the cathouse)

 

[Vicshalls]

As for FMLA all you have to have is a note from your doctor letting them know you need the time. You then file that with the company HR department. Make sure you do it and keep on top of it. I had a co-worker that had the same issues and went out on FMLA. This falls under mental health and you will be fine. Just take care of yourself and take it one day at a time. Good luck to you!

 

[InfernoDude]

I wish the best to you OP, You can truly see the family atmosphere and love from the members here. Prayers to you

 

[BigEgo]

I realize this is not vaping related, but I have been through the same thing. Severe anxiety issues (I ended up in a psych unit twice). I developed a bit of agoraphobia and at one point rarely left my house.

Anxiety is a funny thing -- it comes suddenly for no apparent reason. That's why I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the ER. After a battery of tests, they said I was perfectly healthy and sent me home. This happened a number of times in a short period of time and it got to the point that they knew me on a first name basis at the hospital. It's both embarrassing and demoralizing. I became a hypochondriac and thought I had every possible illness there is. I quit vaping for a while because I thought it was the cause (it wasn't), so I went back to analogs. I could go on, but I'll stop.

Ultimately I got on the right SSRI and things calmed down considerably. But, during the episodes, it is hell on earth. There was a period of months that I felt like I wouldn't make it through.

And it makes it worse when you're a male like us. Anxiety is supposed to be a female thing and that's why I had a hard time accepting it. I thought that it surely had to be a physical health problem (heart disease, blood clot in the lungs, brain tumor, something). It's true that anxiety disorders affect twice as many women as men, but there's plenty of us dudes out here that suffer from it too.

 

[RCHagy74]

My anxiety is now where near yours from reading your post. I do know about clinical depression.
It has taken me four months to contact my cousin's husband about finally heading down to PA to start my new job, which I finally did today.
I know they want me down to work, not just help out, but actually work. I even know that I am welcome to visit no matter what.
It is a fight though to do do the simplest of things. How every should have, could have thought just re-enforces the depression and increases the anxiety, making every following action that much more difficult.

Get a doctors note. If you have and human resources department, bring the note to them and see how they can help. And if there is work that can be done from home find out more.

Also, do not assume that everyone will look down upon you (yeah, easier said then done, I really do know). Those who do not, use for support. Those who do should be cut off with extreme prejudice. They are only going to make your recovery more difficult and take longer than it needs to be.

And again, easier said then done... try not to worry about going back to cigarettes. When things calm down just start getting back to the vapes as the anxiety allows.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Rizzyking]

Circa going back to smokes for a while is no big thing and won't alter what people think of you so please dont waste a second on that as if no where else we all get it and understand and credit to you for being honest about it many wouldn't be so you've already got that. As for the rest again sometimes in life people go through a really bad time and at the time it's hard to see a positive way forward but there always is one and again you've started down that route by going back to your doctor and getting the medication sorted. They will take time to work and until they do and I know this is harderr to do then say but lay off yourself your doing good so far but your worrying far too much about what other people will think you need to concentrate on you right now and give yourself credit when it's due. So your a little agrophobic (hope I spelt that right) at the minute and you need a bit of time to handle that stop thinking about what your not doing outside concentrate on what your doing inside even the usual routine washing the pots, doing the laundry and cleaning are all things that are positives when your where you are right now so doing those or other stuff like that is positive and good.

I wish you all the best and hope things get easier for you as time goes on but lay off yourself a bit your being very hard on yourself and you don't need to be take the time get back on top of things and then if you think you've been less then what you should have been sort it out when your better able too. Take care and please relax a bit.

 

[GaG8tor]

I really don't know what to say here as I've never had any issues with depression and anxiety that have led me to seek medical attention. What I can tell you is that you've made great strides by opening up and taking about it. There are plenty of people here who will just talk to you about anything. Vaping related or not. Prayers are with you. You're going to get through this.

 

[Circa Survivor]

Thanks for the support, guys. I know that it's completely off topic, but I figured I'd share it anyways. If it needs to get modded or moved, that's fine. I know it takes time for these kinds of meds to start to effect me, but I'm just hoping it's not too long to where there's a possibility of losing my job. And thanks to all for the FMLA info, I never really knew much about it since I never read too much into it since I never thought I'd need to use it, so it puts me at ease a bit about my job status.

I even tried to go out shopping with my girlfriend today, and after driving for 5 minutes, a few blocks down I told her to let me out in some neighborhood and pick me up when she's done. I just broke down on the curb. I know there is hope, but my mind just tells me that there isn't.

 

[DingerCPA]

Circa, welcome back

Depression and anxiety can be incredibly debilitating, and society hasn't quite grasped that concept. I'm no doctor, but I've been around the block enough to know that stopping certain kinds of medication "because I feel better and don't think I need it" without consulting a professional can be tough.

One friend of mine recently had back surgery, but he wanted to be a "tough guy" and not have to take his pain meds. So, instead of keeping the pain in check, he basically had to rebuild the levels in his system to keep things at bay. So, he lost a day or so of his recovery time trying to get back to where he should have been....

BUUUUUUUUT, you've acknowledged and have reached out for help. That's enormous!!!

Hang in there... Praying for ya

 

[Robino1]

{{{{{{{{{{{ Circa }}}}}}}}}}}}

Look at the second half of your screen name 'Survivor' <~~ That you are!

Doesn't matter to us what you did or did not do. What matters is that you are here now. What matters is you are working at getting better. What matters is you are alive and you will survive.

 

[fyrefiend]

Hey man, I've been there (and have the meds to prove it) and it sucks completely. Do what you need to make you feel better. Don't worry about going back on the analogs right now if that's what you need.

It *will* get better.