CONTEST - WIN A NEW INNOKIN LEA or LEO Cartomizer - WHITESTAGVAPOR.COM
- Thread starter Jackal3
- Start date
- th_trl_thread_readers 0
- Status
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
An older man is checking out a young fellow on the bus. He's something to look at, spiked hair and each spike is a different color of the rainbow,in the back is a braid with colored feathers woven in. The kid glares at him and says..
"What's the matter old man, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?".
"Actually" the older guy says, "I was diddled a parrot and I was wondering if you're my kid!"
"What's the matter old man, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?".
"Actually" the older guy says, "I was diddled a parrot and I was wondering if you're my kid!"
first one for Tuesday:
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from
typing the wrong email address!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from
typing the wrong email address!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Second one for Tuesday:
Hope you find this as funny as I did!
>
>
> The Why's of Men
>
> 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
> (because they are plugged into a genius)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
> (they don't have enough time)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
> (they don't stop to ask directions)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
> (because their balls fall over their ....-hole and they vapor lock)
> -----------------------------------------------
> (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
> (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
> (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
> (don't know.....it never happened)
> -----------------------------------------------
> (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
> (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
> -----------------------------------------------
> Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
> Then you are just an old sour fart!
> -----------------------------------------------
> One for the ladies.......
> One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
> 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
> 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
> He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'
>
> And they say blondes are dumb...
Hope you find this as funny as I did!
>
>
> The Why's of Men
>
> 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
> (because they are plugged into a genius)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
> (they don't have enough time)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
> (they don't stop to ask directions)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
> (because their balls fall over their ....-hole and they vapor lock)
> -----------------------------------------------
> (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
> (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
> (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
> (don't know.....it never happened)
> -----------------------------------------------
> (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
> -----------------------------------------------
> 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
> (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
> -----------------------------------------------
> Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
> Then you are just an old sour fart!
> -----------------------------------------------
> One for the ladies.......
> One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
> 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
> 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
> He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'
>
> And they say blondes are dumb...
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
This has got to be a winner...Ive seen it many times and cant stop laughing every time i see it...LMAO
YouTube - Exit Fail
YouTube - Exit Fail
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MY-----' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."
A husband, "Put 'MY-----' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Installing A Husband
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
-------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "I Thought
You Loved Me.exe" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
-------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "I Thought
You Loved Me.exe" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail sent to his sister.
Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my .... started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my .... started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My .... crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ..... I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ...." when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my .... was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ..... I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
Brian
Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my .... started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my .... started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My .... crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ..... I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ...." when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my .... was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ..... I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
Brian
Last edited:
Having Obama cost the comic community the opportunities that Georgy provided us weekly -- here he is eating a cat!!!
Sorry, SK!!!
Sorry, SK!!!
- Status
Similar threads
