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[Doomed!]

So, a traveling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of farm country. He walks to the nearest house to see if he can use a phone. On his way up to the house he passes by a pig pen and rolling around in the muck is a pig with no legs. He seems pretty happy, just rolling and dragging himself through the slop. The salesman thinks that's strange, but moves along to the house. He goes up to the house, knocks on the door, and an old, scraggly man with a huge scar across his face opens the door. "What'd'ya want?!" the farmer yells at him.
"Well," the salesman says hesitantly, "my car broke down about a quarter mile back and um... I was wondering if I could use your phone."
"I ain't got one!" the farmer snaps back at him. Disappointed, the salesman says, "Ok. Well thanks anyway." He turns to walk away and then stops and turns back to the farmer. "Hey, I don't want to bother you, but what's the deal with the pig with no legs?" he asks. The scowl on the farmer's face melts away. "That is one special pig." he replies. "I was in a car accident, that's how I got this scar. That pig pulled me out of the wreck. Saved my life!"
"Wow! That's amazing! But that doesn't explain..."
The farmer interrupts him, "Then we had a fire in the barn and the pig pulled my son out. Saved his life too."
The salesman is just blown away. "That's really something, but it still doesn't..."
"Then," the farmer continued, "my wife fell ill. I needed to drive into town to get her medicine but the truck wouldn't start. I was so upset. But before I knew it, the pig took off running. Came back a few hours later with the medicine in his mouth. My wife would have been a goner if he didn't go get that medicine."
The salesman is silent for a minute, not really sure what to say. After a while he said, "Well that's just unbelievable. That actually happened?" The farmer nodded, "Yep."
"Well, that's just simply amazing. But it still doesn't explain why the pig has no legs."
The farmer looks at him and says, very matter-of-factly, "Well a pig that good you don't eat all at once!"

Thank you, thank you very much. Please tip your servers!

 

[catchsumwaves]

 

[Ceegary]

My favorite redneck vid.

 

[Ceegary]

A travelling salesman breaks down and walking down the road spots a farmhouse. The owner says;
"Well, I live here with my wife and teenage daughter but they've gone to town for the weekend so you're welcome to stay here".
The guy says; "Ooops sorry, wrong joke".

 

[CarrieM]

He left home about 8:30 a.m. to play golf with his friends. On the way
out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?"
question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club."
1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about
7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and
presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when
alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her
car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a
place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she
suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a
tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a
bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple
more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very
friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we
were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late
getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't lie to me; you
played 36 holes, didn't you?

 

[unsure]

LOL

Sorry beat you to it already. POST #136

 

[Lauralie]

Lets talk about the differences between men and women. Now my first question is why is it that females talk so much? I dunno but once I was trying to figure it out and found myself looking through a Miriam Webster dictionary. Now before I began this research I was like you. I assumed that the Miriam Webster dictionary was assembled by two men with the last names of Miriam and Webster. That is incorrect. Because once you see how many words there are in Miriam Webster’s dictionary it is painfully obvious that no two men could ever think of this many things to say!



One for today!

 

[Dustydragon]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old man said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

 

[Dustydragon]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine,but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

[bakersuds]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there..'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said..

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

 

[ISBN]

This is the prize, I got, for getting 'like'ed the least on ECF.



Thank to all who didn't click that little 'like' button on my posts.

I am so Honored to get this!!!​

...or is this a hint?​

 

[classwife]

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt..

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'


The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth..

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .



The second prince brought diamonds.




He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. !

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?




M&M's of course...

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.What were you thinking??

 

[FreakyStylie]

Crap didn't work - will have to do later!


One for today!

Perhaps some Milk of Magnesia will help?

 

[spacekitty]

 

[spacekitty]

 

[FreakyStylie]

A red bull walks into a bar.

The bartender says to him, "You know, there's a drink named after you."

The bull says, "Holy crap, a drink named Steve?!"

=========================

That was the first for bad joke Tuesday.

 

[FreakyStylie]

Second.

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."


...





...






...

 

[CarrieM]

Shortly after retiring a man booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a golf course?"

 

[Lauralie]

And you shut up Freaky.....Lol

 

[CarrieM]

l

OMG that's just nuts!