CONTEST - WIN A NEW INNOKIN LEA or LEO Cartomizer - WHITESTAGVAPOR.COM

[tyleris12]

2nd...

An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home.

The man turns to the woman and says,"I bet you can't tell how old I am."

She says,"Okay."

She then unzips his fly, feels around for a while and finally says, "You're 83."

"That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did you know that?" he asks.

She replies, "You told me yesterday."

 

[Lauralie]

I don't want to eat here

Or here

Or here

 

[Lauralie]

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE SIMILAR:

* Both take up too much space on the bed
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners
* Both are threatened by their own kind
* Both mark and protect their territory
* Both are bad at making you understand what it is they want
* Neither can tell you what's bothering them
* The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
* Neither does any dishes or house cleaning
* Both fart shamelessly
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
* Both like dominance games
* Both are suspicious of men who come to the door
* Neither knows how to talk on the telephone
* Neither understands what you see in cats
* Both enjoy the most mindless games

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
* Dogs miss you when you're gone and greet you when you return
* Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
* Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
* Dogs do not play mind games with you
* Dogs never laugh at how you throw
* Dogs do not feel threatened by your intelligence
* You can train a dog
* Dogs are easy to buy for
* The worst social disease you can get from them is rabies
* Dogs understand what "no" means
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside
* Middle-aged dogs don't abandon you for a younger owner
* Dogs are not threatened by how much you earn
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you

WHERE DOGS FALL SHORT:

* Men only have two feet that track in mud
* Men can buy you presents and have charge cards
* Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them out
* Men are a little more subtle most of the time
* Most men don't eat gross things on the sly
* Dogs have dog breath most of the time
* Men can do math stuff, as well as read and write some
* Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it
* Men can carry a lot of packages
* Male dogs cannot resist a female dog in heat
* Most dogs cannot dance
* While dogs can watch your favorite movie, they don't understand it
(actually most men don't either, but some might)
* Two words: .... sniffing
* Once in a great while men will paint/repair/do chores
* Try as they might, dogs don't hug real good

 

[leannebug]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand..................

A HAPPY MOTHER'S day
to ALL the great MOMMAS that have probably been the .... of many a joke over the years!!
♥ (I know mine has!! ) ♥

sorry Mama! You know I love you! Otherwise I wouldn't have TURNED INTO YOU!! hehee

 

[dmdonald2]

Wife: Look at that man who has drunk a lot..
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 year ago, he was my boy friend and i denied him for marriage.
Husband: Oh my god, he is still celebrating!!

 

[dmdonald2]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

 

[FreakyStylie]

YouTube - Fat women on bouncy castle
must see! lmao

I love the "splat"!!

===========================

Here's my first for today. Because it's Mother's Day:

Really, seriously . . . look at his face! LOOK AT IT! It's funny! It will make you laugh. Because it looks like what he's really thinking. Well, kinda . . . maybe. Awwww, OK, it's cute, but it's Mother's Day . . . have a great day all you mothers!

 

[FreakyStylie]

I don't want to eat here

I ruv me some Engrish!

====================

OK, number 2 for today. For da moms.

 

[spacekitty]

The Theremin is a little known instrument (unless you're a big sci-fi fan... ha!) and while the lovely Clara Rockmore's mastery took it to a whole new level, this guy has some skill, but zero personality!!

 

[spacekitty]

Los Angeles has pretty much become known as the "Car Chase Capitol"... but this woman from Lake Forest, CA gives it a whole new meaning... 8-o

 

[FreakyStylie]

OK SK, I almost emptied my bladder on that one!

 

[jenntek]

Hi.
I'm Jenn.
I have a true story.

Christmas week 2003.
(**Note My friends bicker back and fourth constantly like Al and Peg Bundy from 'Married with children'
Or, they could be compaired to Archie and Edith Bunker from 'All In The Family' **)
My friend invited me to south eastern Ohio for the week between Christmas and New Years.

So? I go.

Her husband had a 1986 Nissan 300zx that he was thinking about selling.
I asked him "Anything wrong with it?"
He says: "Nope, just needs a new battery, but, we can jump start this one."
I said: "Lets give it a whirl" (I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty... I jump right in with the guys on projects)
So, we break out the jumper cables, clean up the battery terminals, hook up the cables, wait for a few minutes...
and give it a go. "Vrrrooom" Fires right up.

We jump in - Brian lets me drive. (Stick shift non-turbo) (ah, I have an '85 300zx turbo --- way faster)
We head down the driveway... and make a right.
I drive about a mile or so down the road... Brian says: "Don't let it stall, The battery isn't that good."
"Of course." I promptly answered with confidence.

2 or so miles down the road, I decide to turn around at the little country market.
blah - ka-.....-fffft-p-tah.
car? stalls... (oops... not used to his clutch!)
uh. oh!

Well? there's a small hill... we try push starting... nothing.

Now? darkness falls... no cell phone. and only .50 cents for the pay phone, and the store is closed, so we can't make more than one phone call. We call his wife, my friend... Deb.
"Ok" she says... "I have to put the dog in the house first, and I'll be right down"

Brian and I pop the hood, and fiddle (without tools) with the battery terminals... and try again, no luck, and no decent hills to coast start...

Deb - meanwhile - back at the house... Hollering wildly at the dog, trying to get her in the house... chasing her around the yard like a lunatic. "Casey! CASEY! Get in the house! C'mon Casey! Get in the house!"
Ok... she struggles with the non-conforming dog for over 30 minutes, but, we don't know this...
Brian gets irritated, that Deb isn't here... so, he decides that he can walk home faster than she can drive...
He says: "Stay with the car, I'll be back with the truck and jumper cables"
He leaves.

Deb? still playing outside with the dog... chasing her around like a lunatic.

Jenn? -- Me? bored... very bored.
ah... a car rolls up to the store...
he sees me.
"Hi" I said... "Store's closed for the night" I said.
He said "Crap" - I asked him which direction he was going... he pointed toward Deb and Brians house...
I asked If I could get a ride (Kept the car keys with me)
He was nice and obliged... I jump in...

I told him what happened, and told him how upset Brian was/is...
I said "When you see him, just drive past him... (LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(I still giggle when I think about that night passing him by, watching his arms swing back and fourth as he does his fast paced "I'm furious" walk... LoL!)
So... we drive by him...
We get to the driveway, and he drops me off, and I thank him.

Now... I see Deb... RUNNING wildly trying to get CASEY in the house.
I said "Deb???? WTF ARE YOU DOING?????"
She says: "This eFFFING dog NEVER listens to me, I've been chasing her around this yard since I hung up with Brian!"
(Now? I'm roaring with laughter!!!) I said: "Here's the keys to the car, go get Brian, he's half way here, he's walking and really peeeeved..." I toss her the keys, and coax Casey in to the house with a treat...

She rips out of the driveway irritated that she didn't think of the treat trick... Brian is huffing and puffing down the highway towards the house.
She stops (I can see the truck in the highway) Brian gets in... "Where have you BEEN???????"
Deb says: "Trying to get Casey in the house this whole time"
"Oh" he says... "So, You got her in?"
Deb - "Nope, Jenn did" (Silence)
Brian - "Huh?"
Deb - "Jenn Got her in, I heard her say something about a treat, and the dog followed her in the house" (Silence)
Brian - Flabberghasted - "Huh? (pauses with silence) Deb! Jenn is with the car!" He screams...
Deb - "Nope, Jenn is with CASEY!!!" She screams
Brian - "No she's not! I left her at the car!!!" He screams.
Deb - "Nope, Jenn gave me these and told me to give them to you"
--- She hands Brian the car keys... (Silence)
Deb said he looked like he'd seen a ghost... (More silence)
She has this little evil grin on her face, and she's trying to hold back the laughter as Brian processes all the information
that was just passed on to him.
Brian - "But... ahhhhhhhhhhh..." Then, It dawns on him... 1..... one vehicle passed him...
Brian - "Jenn? She's at the house?" (Curiously questions Deb)
Deb - "Yep" (said with confidence)
Brian - "Jenn? She has Casey? And She's At The House?" (Curiously)
Deb - "Yep" (said with a firmly)
Brian looks at the keys... processes...
Brian - "That Little!!!! There was a car that passed me... SHE WAS IN IT????" (Curiously)
Deb - "Yep" (said with confidence)
Brian - "She didn't stop????" (Said with wonder)
Deb - "Nope" (said sternly)
Brian - "WHY??????????????"
Deb - "She thought you needed to walk off your anger issue" (evil grin)

Needless to say, Brian, Deb, and I (I drove down after the dog was in her crate)
got the car started.
That night... Brian wouldn't talk to either of us.
Deb and I got drunk, and re-arranged all the kitchen stuff... (Brian hates that!!!)
He still gets irritated about the little things in life, and I always remind him about the night Deb handed him the keys.

This is a true story.
I think Brian needs some nicotine to relax him. If I were to win this... I'd give the INNOKIN and a print out of this thread.

 

[ISBN]

 

[jenntek]

Asian man go to Doctor, he say: "Doctor - No Can see well."
Asian doctor say to man. "U have cat-er-ak?!?!"
Asian man say: "No- I have Rink-in."
Doctor say: "Nooo - Yu have a cat-er-ak!"
Asian Man say: "I drive a rink-in!!"
Asian Man say: "I tell yu I can not see, you say 'I have cad-ar-ak.' I know I buy a rink-in, and yu say I have eye pwob-rem?"
Doctor just shake head.

 

[bjannr]

What do you get when you cross a burro with an onion?

Well one of two things, either an onion with long ears, or a piece of ... that will bring tears to your eyes

 

[unsure]

 

[unsure]

TRUNK MONKEY

YouTube - Trunk Monkey Compilation

 

[RippleInStillWater]

I do like the Trunk Monkey series -- but I miss the Joe Sedelmaier ones!!!

 

[Jxnbklyn9]

#2 for Sunday

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, "Your ....'s getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her .....
"I was right, your .... is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She replied, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-... grill for one little weenie?"

 

[RippleInStillWater]

And who can forget this?!?!?!?!?