Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[WarsawNan]

I was looking forward to my vacation, a 2-week Caribbean cruise, but was a bit worried about leaving my aging cat Sylvester. My younger sister Pam, who's also a cat-lover, had recently lost her job and was back living with our mom, so I knew she'd provide Sylvester with loving care in my absence.

I couldn't get Sylvester out of my mind during my flight to Florida, so before boarding the cruise ship I phoned my sister to check up on him:

Me: Hi, Pam. How's Sylvester doing?

Pam: Sorry, sis, but Sylvester died.

Me: OMG Pam!!!! WTF??!!!! How could you break such horrible news to me that way!!? You just ruined my whole vacation!! What were you thinking!!???

Pam: I'm sorry, sis! I didn't know how to tell you.

Me: You know how badly I needed this vacation, and I told you I'd be calling every 2 days to check in on Sylvester. You should have told me "Sylvester's on the roof and I can't get him down." Then the next time I phoned you could have said "He jumped from the roof to the big elm tree. He's up there pretty high, but he seems okay, and I'm sure he'll come down when he gets hungry." I wouldn't be overly concerned and could enjoy my cruise. By my third or fourth call I'd be somewhat prepared for bad news, and it would be nearer the end of my vacation. THEN you could have told me Sylvester had died! You just don't smack a person in the face with such bad news just as they're leaving on vacation!

Pam: I'm sorry, sis! I just didn't think it through.

Me: I know. It'll be okay. I'll deal with it. Let me talk to mom a second.

Pam: Mom's on the roof and we can't get her down.

 

[danbob987]

I was looking forward to my vacation, a 2-week Caribbean cruise, but was a bit worried about leaving my aging cat Sylvester. My younger sister Pam, who's also a cat-lover, had recently lost her job and was back living with our mom, so I knew she'd provide Sylvester with loving care in my absence.

I couldn't get Sylvester out of my mind during my flight to Florida, so before boarding the cruise ship I phoned my sister to check up on him:

Me: Hi, Pam. How's Sylvester doing?

Pam: Sorry, sis, but Sylvester died.

Me: OMG Pam!!!! WTF??!!!! How could you break such horrible news to me that way!!? You just ruined my whole vacation!! What were you thinking!!???

Pam: I'm sorry, sis! I didn't know how to tell you.

Me: You know how badly I needed this vacation, and I told you I'd be calling every 2 days to check in on Sylvester. You should have told me "Sylvester's on the roof and I can't get him down." Then the next time I phoned you could have said "He jumped from the roof to the big elm tree. He's up there pretty high, but he seems okay, and I'm sure he'll come down when he gets hungry." I wouldn't be overly concerned and could enjoy my cruise. By my third or fourth call I'd be somewhat prepared for bad news, and it would be nearer the end of my vacation. THEN you could have told me Sylvester had died! You just don't smack a person in the face with such bad news just as they're leaving on vacation!

Pam: I'm sorry, sis! I just didn't think it through.

Me: I know. It'll be okay. I'll deal with it. Let me talk to mom a second.

Pam: Mom's on the roof and we can't get her down.

Haha nice Nan, did you receive your order?

 

[skydragon]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

 

[Jetmec]

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:

"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.

 

[skydragon]

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette,

"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh.....no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH!

The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell,

"Jump! You have to jump!"

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Not until you put the blanket down and back away!" yelled the Blonde.

 

[Jetmec]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

[hushedpuppy]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

[Jetmec]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

[WarsawNan]

Haha nice Nan, did you receive your order?

I did receive the order, danbob. Thanks so much. Been vaping it tonight and hope to leave a review on your site tomorrow.

 

[WarsawNan]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

Being a granny with 6 gorgeous granddaughters, I can tell ya..... that ain't no joke!
8-o

LOL

 

[xanas]

3 men were exploring a south part of a desert.Just then, 3 native women and 1 man (their chief),kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber. The chief said to the first one "What is your job?" He said "I'm a fireman." The chief said "His p****.....BURN IT OFF!" So they did and let the first one go. The chief said to the second on "What is your job?" He said "I'm a policeman." The chief said, "His p****.....SHOOT IT OFF!" So they let him go,too. Then he said to the third one "What is your job?" The third one laughed and said "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

 

[VPJUNKIE510]

yo momma is so loose ...... when she did a split.. she left a hicky mark on the ground !!! ohhhh ahhhh you just got burned

 

[Jimi Mack]

"What people will do for a FREE anything."

 

[skydragon]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together after a fierce bout of passionate lovemaking. The egg lights a cigarette and says, "Well, I guess that answers THAT question."

 

[skydragon]

Being a granny with 6 gorgeous granddaughters, I can tell ya..... that ain't no joke!
8-o

LOL

LOL...........yeah, I would imagine there are some sleepless nights. =)

 

[skydragon]

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"

 

[RippleInStillWater]

A man was killed in China today in a rice field by a hit man who used a jade tschotchke he purchased from the local tourist shop. It is the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack..........

 

[my2heartboys]

Ok, I am horrible with jokes. Guess, I yet need to develop that part of my personality. However, being a brand new vaper I would love to be entered into the drawing. My poor 520 pants to keep up with me.

 

[Jetmec]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 

[Jetmec]

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'