Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[skydragon]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

 

[5cardstud]

Man goes into a cafe and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup, eats it and leaves without paying for it. Seeing this the manager goes after him and sees him go into the ..... house across the street. The manager follows him and upon entering asks the madam where he is. "room 15" the madam replies. He opens the door to 15 and the man is performing oral sex on the women and looks up. The manager says " you just walked out of my cafe without paying for the soup you ate." The man responds " I'm not paying for it because it had a hair in it." The manager puzzled asks "your down there eating that and your not paying four the soup because it had a hair in it"? The man answers " you damn right I'm not and I'm not paying for this either if there's a noodle in it".

 

[Lazerrred]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

Yikes, doesn't anyone read the previous jokes posted. Ya'll are missing some good jokes!! This is the 3rd or 4th this one has been posted and I posted the first on post # 107. na, na na na nahhhh. Keep posting em up, just not the same ones over and over.

 

[skydragon]

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

 

[Lazerrred]

Uhhhh, Skydragon, are you or anybody reading previous posted jokes? Check out post #211. Come on, we need fresh stuff. Not yesterdays news.

Edit: and lol, skydragon, your post of the same joke is even on the same page.

 

[skydragon]

What do you see when you look down a mole hole?
Molasses

 

[hushedpuppy]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'"

 

[jude8753]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[5cardstud]

Lady seeing her friend says "where jou been?" The lady say's "I been on vacation up in at there LA." "Well what they got up in that LA that they aint got right cheer in Alabam?" The lady says "They got a women that makes love with a women." "Whoowee, what ja call lat?" She says "That's called um lesbun." "What else they got in at there LA?" "They got a man that makes love wit a man." "Whooowee, what ja call lat??" She replies, "They call lat homosexu." "What else they got up in at there LA that we aint got right cheer in Alabam?" "They got themselves a man that makes love wit his tongue." "WHOOOOWEEEE, What ja call lat?" "When he was finished I calls him Precious."

 

[Brewlady]

One foggy night, a Yankees fan was heading north from New York

and a Red Sox fan was driving south from Boston. While crossing a narrow

bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.



The Red Sox fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the

damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be

alive!" Likewise, the Yankees fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too

feeling fortunate to have survived.



The Yankees fan walks over to the Red Sox fan and says, "Hey,

man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty

differences and live as friends instead of being rivals." The Red Sox

fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We

should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived

the wreck."



The Red Sox fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full,

undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Yankee fan, "I think

this is another sign, we should toast to our newfound friendship." The

Yankee fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the

bottle, he hands it back to the Red Sox fan and says, "Your turn!"



The Red Sox fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws

the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I

think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

 

[skydragon]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

 

[skydragon]

The Pretzel was an unbeatable wrestler whose star move was, you guessed it, "The Pretzel". Joe was up against the Pretzel in a championship match, and the only advice his coach gave him was: "Don't let him put 'The Pretzel' on you." Nervous, Joe held his own in the match until the third quarter, when his opponent managed to slip him into this fearsome hold. The audience gasped, rooting for the underdog. There was a sudden scream from the entwined pair, Joe escaped, and won the match. Later, Joe's coach asked him how he escaped the Pretzel's grasp. Joe said, "Well, once he got me in the Pretzel, I thought I was done for. But there were these balls hanging up in my face, and I had nothing to lose, so I just bit them. And coach, let me tell you, you get a hell of a burst of energy when you bite yourself in the nuts."

 

[cosmic charlie]

Ok my 3 year old made this one up
knock kmock, who's there?
Its a bananna silly!
Ok it is funnyer when the 3 yo tells it

 

[Pharaoh]

In science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of ejuice.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in ejuice --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, vape and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

[RippleInStillWater]

Do you think the Michelin woman has a big tire rack?!?!?!?

 

[Lazerrred]

SEX IN FLORIDA

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go
to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

 

[warlike36]

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young
man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"

"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"

 

[Lazerrred]

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CALIFORNIAN IF:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy
with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early
to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
__________________

 

[Lazerrred]

Norwegian story

All of his life
Ole had heard stories
of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father,
grandfather and great-grandfather
had all been able to walk on water
on their 21st birthday.

On that day,
they'd walk across the lake
to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around,
he and his pal Sven
took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused,
Ole went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday,
so why can't I walk across the lake
like my father, his father,
and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes

and said,

"Because, you idiot,

your father, grandfather and great-grandfather

were born in January;
you were born in July."

 

[hushedpuppy]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on National Health Insurance...

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were ...... off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a..holes in Washington.