Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com
- Thread starter danbob987
- Start date
- th_trl_thread_readers 0
- Status
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers An fries, is that true, Mister Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer.' 'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin....
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers An fries, is that true, Mister Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer.' 'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin....
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer..
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer..
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
LOL Leroy. You should read the thread so you don't post a joke that has already been posted. 
See post # 107
See post # 107
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish...'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.
We want to know how they feel inside.
What they are thinking when they give us the silent treatment?
Why they cry?
What they mean when they say 'nothing's wrong'?
Why they snap and complain when we try to help?
and how we can make a woman truly happy?'
The Lord replied,
*'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'*
cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish...'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.
We want to know how they feel inside.
What they are thinking when they give us the silent treatment?
Why they cry?
What they mean when they say 'nothing's wrong'?
Why they snap and complain when we try to help?
and how we can make a woman truly happy?'
The Lord replied,
*'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'*
Sheep
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and died brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde
thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally
amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have
a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and died brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde
thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally
amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have
a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?"
Ok, here is the smart blond.
A blonde is sitting on a plane waiting for it to depart, when a lawyer-looking guy comes and sits next to her. While she is trying to catch some zzz's, the guy next to her leans over and says, 'Do you want to play a game? We'll ask each other questions and if we don't know the answer to each others questions, we'll hand over $5.'
She replies, 'No thank you, I'd like to get some sleep.'
The blonde is almost asleep when he says back to her, 'O.K. I'll give you $50 for every question I get wrong, and you only have to pay $5.' Again the blonde declines, she really just wanted to catch some shut-eye.
The blonde is amost asleep again when the lawyer again bothers her, only this time the offer was bumped up to $100 vs $5. The blonde, realizing that he isn't going to let her get any sleep unless she plays his dumb game, gives in and agrees to it.
He asks her the first question, 'What is the distance from the Sun to the Earth?' She pauses for a second and then reaches over into her purse, pulls out $5, and hands it to him.
'Now it's my turn,' she says. 'What is black and white, goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?'
The man is truly puzzled at the question. He pulls out his laptop, gets on the Web pulls a google search, checks on wikipedia but can't find the answer. He gets out his cell phone and calls all his friends and family, not only does no one know the answer, they haven't even a guess for him. He goes back online and emails all his connections, and still, no one knows the answer. After an hour, he finally looks over and taps the blonde on the shoulder to wake her up, and says, 'You got me. I tried everyone I possibly could and no one knows the answer. Here you go, you deserve the $100.'
She accepts it and says thank you, turns over and goes back to her nap.
He looks at her and says, 'Well, what's the answer?!' She reaches into her purse and hands him a $5 bill, and goes back to sleep.
A blonde is sitting on a plane waiting for it to depart, when a lawyer-looking guy comes and sits next to her. While she is trying to catch some zzz's, the guy next to her leans over and says, 'Do you want to play a game? We'll ask each other questions and if we don't know the answer to each others questions, we'll hand over $5.'
She replies, 'No thank you, I'd like to get some sleep.'
The blonde is almost asleep when he says back to her, 'O.K. I'll give you $50 for every question I get wrong, and you only have to pay $5.' Again the blonde declines, she really just wanted to catch some shut-eye.
The blonde is amost asleep again when the lawyer again bothers her, only this time the offer was bumped up to $100 vs $5. The blonde, realizing that he isn't going to let her get any sleep unless she plays his dumb game, gives in and agrees to it.
He asks her the first question, 'What is the distance from the Sun to the Earth?' She pauses for a second and then reaches over into her purse, pulls out $5, and hands it to him.
'Now it's my turn,' she says. 'What is black and white, goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?'
The man is truly puzzled at the question. He pulls out his laptop, gets on the Web pulls a google search, checks on wikipedia but can't find the answer. He gets out his cell phone and calls all his friends and family, not only does no one know the answer, they haven't even a guess for him. He goes back online and emails all his connections, and still, no one knows the answer. After an hour, he finally looks over and taps the blonde on the shoulder to wake her up, and says, 'You got me. I tried everyone I possibly could and no one knows the answer. Here you go, you deserve the $100.'
She accepts it and says thank you, turns over and goes back to her nap.
He looks at her and says, 'Well, what's the answer?!' She reaches into her purse and hands him a $5 bill, and goes back to sleep.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The
little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your
Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
_______________
Kids say the darn'dest things
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The
little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your
Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
_______________
Kids say the darn'dest things
PANHANDLING...
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp. Jose drives a
Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6
kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp. Jose drives a
Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6
kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
St. Peter is standing at the golden gates as a line of newly dead forms. One at a time each sole approaches St. Peter to explain how they died so he can decide who gets in.
The first fellow is asked how he died and and he explains...
You see, Ive been having this feeling that my wife has been having an affair and I let it get the best of me. Every day for months I would go to work and sit in my office wondering if she had a boyfriend that were doing things while I was at work. Well one day I finally popped. I stood up and stormed out of the office and jumped into my car and sped back home. I burst in the house and started searching every room to find this guy. I had looked everywhere and started to think I was just going crazy and was explaining my absurd actions to my wife when I looked out the sliding glass window leading to the balcony and saw two hands clinging onto the handrail on the balcony. I threw open the door and dashed onto the balcony where I saw a man hanging off the lower rail 7 stories above the ground and went nuts. I started to stomp on those fingers clinging to the rail. I stomped and stomped until he finally let go and fell the seven stories to the ground. As I looked over the rail I noticed that he had landed on some of the bushes along the base of the building and had started moving! I must have then gone insane because I ran to the kitchen and pushed the refrigerator onto and over the rail of the balcony and it crushed that dirty so and so. About that time my heart seized and I fell dead right there.
St. Peter then said that he could understand the actions he took and considering that adultery was among the top 7 deadly sins he could overlook the killing and would allow him entry.
He then called forward the next guy who began to explain his death.
You see, i was exercising one morning, doing my normal routine when I suddenly began to feel dizzy. I went onto my balcony to get some fresh air when somehow I collapsed and fell over the handrail. luckily, I came to and managed to grasp onto the handrail of a balcony only a couple floors down. I thought I was going to be able to make my way onto that balcony and save myself when this man with an insane look on his face came storming onto the balcony and started to crush my fingers against the bar of the handrail. The pain was eventually too much and I let go of the rail and fell all the way to the ground. Fortunately, I landed in the shrubs which broke my fall enough and saved me. As I caught my breath again and started to move my hands and legs I was thinking I was going to be alright but just then that crazy guy shoved a refrigerator off the balcony and it crushed and killed me.
St. Peter commented that he did absolutely nothing wrong and didnt deserve to die so he was welcome to enter the gates.
As the next guy moved forward to stand before St. Peter he started to explain how he died.
OK, Picture this... There I was hiding .... naked in this refrigerator when....
The first fellow is asked how he died and and he explains...
You see, Ive been having this feeling that my wife has been having an affair and I let it get the best of me. Every day for months I would go to work and sit in my office wondering if she had a boyfriend that were doing things while I was at work. Well one day I finally popped. I stood up and stormed out of the office and jumped into my car and sped back home. I burst in the house and started searching every room to find this guy. I had looked everywhere and started to think I was just going crazy and was explaining my absurd actions to my wife when I looked out the sliding glass window leading to the balcony and saw two hands clinging onto the handrail on the balcony. I threw open the door and dashed onto the balcony where I saw a man hanging off the lower rail 7 stories above the ground and went nuts. I started to stomp on those fingers clinging to the rail. I stomped and stomped until he finally let go and fell the seven stories to the ground. As I looked over the rail I noticed that he had landed on some of the bushes along the base of the building and had started moving! I must have then gone insane because I ran to the kitchen and pushed the refrigerator onto and over the rail of the balcony and it crushed that dirty so and so. About that time my heart seized and I fell dead right there.
St. Peter then said that he could understand the actions he took and considering that adultery was among the top 7 deadly sins he could overlook the killing and would allow him entry.
He then called forward the next guy who began to explain his death.
You see, i was exercising one morning, doing my normal routine when I suddenly began to feel dizzy. I went onto my balcony to get some fresh air when somehow I collapsed and fell over the handrail. luckily, I came to and managed to grasp onto the handrail of a balcony only a couple floors down. I thought I was going to be able to make my way onto that balcony and save myself when this man with an insane look on his face came storming onto the balcony and started to crush my fingers against the bar of the handrail. The pain was eventually too much and I let go of the rail and fell all the way to the ground. Fortunately, I landed in the shrubs which broke my fall enough and saved me. As I caught my breath again and started to move my hands and legs I was thinking I was going to be alright but just then that crazy guy shoved a refrigerator off the balcony and it crushed and killed me.
St. Peter commented that he did absolutely nothing wrong and didnt deserve to die so he was welcome to enter the gates.
As the next guy moved forward to stand before St. Peter he started to explain how he died.
OK, Picture this... There I was hiding .... naked in this refrigerator when....
4 Little Animals
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out
of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be
sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out
of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be
sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
Tips >From the Redneck Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interes ted : "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expec ted back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interes ted : "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expec ted back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
That' all for today
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
That' all for today
Last edited:
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent...
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent...
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
funny to you?"
Lady goes hunting and upon spying her prey takes her shot. She runs over to her prize and theres a man standing by it. She, thinking he was trying to claim it , says "that's my deer, I shot it." The man replies "thats fine maan, Just let me get my saddle of it first"
3.
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
- Status
Similar threads
- Locked
- Locked
