Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[skydragon]

Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

 

[skydragon]

A mans wife leaves him so he goes n buys a brand new bmw convertible...hes speeding down the hwy and sees hes blue lighted ...thinks f it- noone will catch me in this thing so gasses it....a few seconds later realized its a dumb idea so pulls over. The cop says "look its been a long day and its fri the 13th-if u can tell me an excuse why u were going so fast,and its one ive NEVER heard, Ill let u go" - the guy looks up and says "last week, my wife ran off with a cop, I thought u were trying to return her" - cop says "have a nice day sir" and walks off.

 

[skydragon]

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise
birthday party.

That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.

 

[Buckeye Gal]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

[skydragon]

Two men were walking their dogs together. The first guy with a Chocolate lab and the second a Chihuahua

The first guy says, "Hey, you want to get something to eat?"

The second guy replies, "Yeah, but they all have signs that say 'No Dogs Allowed'."

The first guy with the lab puts sunglasses on and hands the other guy a pair. "Follow my lead," he says.

As he walks into the restaurant a waiter stops him and says, "Sir, no dogs allowed."

The man replies, "It's O.K., this is my seeing eye dog." The waiter apologizes and leads the man to a table as the second man enters.

The same waiter stops him but the guy says, "This is my seeing eye dog. I'm with the other guy."

The waiter replies, "Sir, you can't fool me, you have a Chihuahua."

The man freaks out and says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a freakin Chihuahua?!"

 

[hushedpuppy]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that ...... stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going?"

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

[rege]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ...!"

 

[rege]

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn''t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars put the seats back and screwed each other senseless.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you''re not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I''ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I''ll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

 

[rege]

One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test,
and she noticed that four pupils were missing.
The first one came in.
"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.
"Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the second pupil came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the third one came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.
"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane, too, then?"
"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"

 

[rege]

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him
back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy,
"You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for
three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps
the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comesback with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The
Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think
one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something
in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the
horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the
teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die
tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the
chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard
and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

 

[rege]

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that
they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you
have a condom?"
Donald says "No."
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't
have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that
maybe they sell them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks
the hotel clerk if they sell condoms.
The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and
gives it to Donald.
The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

 

[rege]

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he
pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write
with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well, that's great, just great! Some a$$hole's got my pen!"

 

[Wharf Rat]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2....But don't ask me how they got in there!

 

[rege]

whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

you can unscrew a light bulb!

 

[Dave Starr]

how did they know princess diana had dandruff?


they found her "head and head and shoulders" in the glove box.

 

[skydragon]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

[rege]

whats white made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with?

Michal Jackson

 

[skydragon]

The missionary came to the newly discovered island to convert the natives to Chistianity. In order to do that he needed to teach them english. While walking through the jungle with the Chief of the tribe they would encounter various things.

Missionary: Pointing to a tree, he said to the Chief, "Tree!"

Chief: "Mindoughoo"

The missionary shook his head and said, "No... No Chief, this is a 'Tree'."

Cheif: "Ttrreeee"

Missionary: Beaming with delight, "Yes, that's right, 'tree'"

Missionare: A little farther along, points to a stream, touches the water and says, "Water!"

Chief: "Driigil"

Missionary: Shakes his head and says, "Water!"

Chief: "Waaaterrrr"

Missionary: Beaming proudly, "Yes, Cheif, that is right, Water!"

They walk out into a clearing and there in the sunshine is a young native couple making love. The missionary is very imbarassed and stamers, "Oh, ahh, err, riding a bicyle."

The Chief pulls out his blow gun and shoots the young couple dead.

The missionary is shocked and screams, "My word, Cheif, why would you do that?"

Cheif: "Riding MY bicyle."

 

[rege]

i called my boss today and said i cant come in to work today because i have .... glaucoma. he said what is .... glaucoma? i said a cant see my ... going to work today

 

[rege]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."