Funnies

[Di]

A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 8-o8-o8-o

 

[YePsTeR]

got me!!!!! LOL!!!!

 

[Di]

​

IF THE WORLD HASN`T GONE MAD-----I DON`T KNOW !!!!




What you see below are not see-thru skirts.

They are actually prints on the skirts
to make it look as if the panties are visible
And these are the current rage in Japan

..

 

[dskarpus]

The Japanese are truly in a world of their own. Gravure, hentai and submissive dressed and yet it is illegal to show the nasty bits.

 

[Di]

The Japanese are truly in a world of their own. Gravure, hentai and submissive dressed and yet it is illegal to show the nasty bits.

hahahahaha,

it reminds me of that trend a while back,
you know the jeans with the clear plastic
on the bum cheeks ???

hahahahah -- now that was really -- " Cheeky !! "

--

 

[Technobob]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward,you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."Ford thinks about it, and says,I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your
invention:

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes,and
waits for the results.In no time,the computer prints out a report and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says,

"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these
statistics,more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

[Di]

hahahahah, nice one TB,

very good, and also very true,

altho I hear the popular teenagers trend is ---

to ride his,-- inside his ???8-o8-o8-o

 

[Di]

2 Ladies Talking in Heaven



1st woman: Hi! Wanda.



2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?



1st woman: I froze to death.



2nd woman: How horrible!



1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I

began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What

about you?



2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my

husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.



1st woman: So, what happened?



2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere

that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the

attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through

every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I

had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just

keeled over with a heart attack and died.



1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be

alive.

 

[Sgood1971]

Good ones.

All I got is

Q. "How do trees get pregnant?"
A. "Woodpeckers"

 

[Di]

Good ones.

All I got is

Q. "How do trees get pregnant?"
A. "Woodpeckers"

nice one, Sgood, ----

hahhahahahahahahahah

 

[Di]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.



As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Big Proud Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was a sad old mini van with two flat tires..

 

[ImYourSalt]

those skirts are great!

 

[5cardstud]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward,you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."Ford thinks about it, and says,I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your
invention:

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes,and
waits for the results.In no time,the computer prints out a report and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says,

"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these
statistics,more men are riding my invention than yours."

I love it, that is funny.

 

[5cardstud]

nice one, Sgood, ----

hahhahahahahahahahah

reminds me of the queer termite, went around eating maleboxes.

 

[Di]

those skirts are great!

they are very cleverly done arn't they????

they look very real ----- 8-o 8-o 8-o

 

[Di]

reminds me of the queer termite, went around eating maleboxes.

hahahahahahahahahah

just another faux pas ??????

 

[nicotime]

they are very cleverly done arn't they????

they look very real ----- 8-o 8-o 8-o

Thats just what they want you to think...its actually see through but they say it the fabric so they dont get arrested.

I hope it catches on here in the US....Meee Likey!!

 

[Technobob]

This guy walks into a bar and within two steps into the place he realizes it's a gay bar
but says "What the heck, I really want a drink".

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer "What's the name of your penis?".

The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink"

The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks
"hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The gentleman with a smile looks back and says "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking'!"

A little shaken, the thirsty customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on
a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"

The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims "Ford."

The thirsty customer thinks how this naming thing works and says,"Because quality is Job 1..?"

The gentleman replies, "Now Let me ask you, Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the thirsty customer has to think for a moment
before he comes up with a name for his penis.

He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look he asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

 

[Technobob]

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG NAME______________

1. Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually
misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by
shooting.
How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has
to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of ........ If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street
value
of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack
habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of ....... he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2
Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal
to have $900?

6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the
ho that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed
with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27
girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector
knocked up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.
If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed
the Boa on one week's income?

10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph,
Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20
seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets
whacked?

 

[Di]

Thats just what they want you to think...its actually see through but they say it the fabric so they dont get arrested.

I hope it catches on here in the US....Meee Likey!!

we will have to get onto Jboze and Lightgeoduck,

they are in Japan, they can start a wholesale business selling them into USA ???????????8-o8-o