Funnies

[Di]

omg ............ hehehehe jayzus hehehehehehe

hahahahah, MM,

that is just toooo funny 8-o 8-o


There is a joke about this too you know -------


Kilt guy is standing having a beer,

lady asks,- "what is worn under your kilt ?"

kilt guy says - " put your hand up there ---
and see for yourself !"

Lady puts hand up there and screams, -
she looks flustered and says " Oooooooooooooooooh it is gruesome !!!!!!!"

kilt guy says, " put your hand up there again lady--
it is grue some more !!!!"

8-o 8-o 8-o 8-o

 

[Idaho Ron]

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence ."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

[Di]

hahahahahahahahahah

72 Virginians

hahahahahaha

good one IR,

hahahahahahahahahah8-o

 

[Di]

The Original Computer!!!!

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?! 8-o 8-o

 

[5cardstud]

Idaho Ron that was great.
PS DI, who told on me? 3.5in. floppy.

 

[Di]

Idaho Ron that was great.
PS DI, who told on me? 3.5in. floppy.

hahahahahahahahahahahahah


I will never tell ----


shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

[Di]

Silver Arrow


A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

 

[dskarpus]

The teacher recognized the kindergartener who raised his hand. "Yes Bobby - what is it ?". Bobby said "I have to go to the bathroom". The teacher said "Okay, go". Five minutes later Bobby comes back to class, crying says "I can't find it". Teacher points to Jimmy and says "Help Bobby". Five minutes later Jimmy and Bobby come back to class, both grinning from ear to ear. Teacher asks "Did you find it ?". Jimmy says "Yes teacher, Bobby had his pants on backwards !".

 

[Di]

The teacher recognized the kindergartener who raised his hand. "Yes Bobby - what is it ?". Bobby said "I have to go to the bathroom". The teacher said "Okay, go". Five minutes later Bobby comes back to class, crying says "I can't find it". Teacher points to Jimmy and says "Help Bobby". Five minutes later Jimmy and Bobby come back to class, both grinning from ear to ear. Teacher asks "Did you find it ?". Jimmy says "Yes teacher, Bobby had his pants on backwards !".

---- -

 

[Di]

And then the fight started..


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started... .

********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

 

[Di]

------------------------------------------------

 

[Technobob]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Di]

Once upon a time there were two brothers, One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother however, was very good.

He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me but I have not seen him here in heaven."



God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.

He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied.

"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.

"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.

Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.

In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing.

I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other.

Surely, hell cannot be that bad."



God explained.

"Things are not always as they seem.

The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't."

 

[tenfour]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

 

[Di]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”

Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.

 

[BartS]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and
hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in
the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.

The little Boy says : "Dark in here."
The Man says : "Yes, it is."
Boy : "I have a soccer ball; do you want to buy it?"
Man : "No, thanks."
Boy : "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man : "OK, how much?"
Boy : "$250-00."

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in
the cupboard together again.
Boy : "Dark in here."
Man : "Yes, it is."
Boy : "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says : "$750-00."
The Man says : "Fine, I will buy them."

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots,
let's go outside and have a game."

The Boy says : "I can't, I sold them for $1000."
The Father says : "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that... $1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."


They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says : "Dark in here."
The Priest says : "Don't start that .... again!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT YOUR FATHERs house.

 

[Di]

hahahahahahaahahahah


yes, - yes, I love this one ------


hahahaha, Dark in here !!!!!!!!

 

[BartS]

hahahaha, Dark in here !!!!!!!!

Do you wanna buy a PV?

 

[Di]

Do you wanna buy a PV?

hahahahah,


show me what ya got,

how much ???????

 

[BartS]

I got lots of these, all not postable. I love these things.
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman.
The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed
him to return this to the woman.
It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back."