How many mistakes do I have to make before I do better?

[Gingerzeronic]

Two weeks smokefree this morning!!!

Still some tough moments, but I feel better about myself than I did 2 Mondays ago.

I hope everyone here had a wonderful holiday weekend. I love the holidays but they do bring with them additional stress and sometimes temptation along with it. I am glad in a way there isn't any more until the end of May.

Now onto completing Day 15 smoke free.

Congratulations!

 

[grandmato5]

Congrats on your two weeks Bluebelle Keep working on "one day" at a time. You're doing great

Your tough moments should start to get further and further apart although unfortunately you will still likely get hit out of the blue with a nasty "I want a cigarette NOW" attack once in a while, sometimes when you least expect it. vape vape vape Vape your higher mg liquid when that happens and the feeling will pass. AND most importantly know that those attacks will get further and further apart and you WILL know how to handle them Remember, you can't stop those attacks from coming, but you CAN control what you do when they do happen. Come to this thread and post if you find yourself struggling. Sometimes it helps just to be able to express your feelings. Give yourself a goal to look forward to that you can obtain and that will make you happy. What would you like as a reward for not smoking for 4 weeks? Remember, you've now made it two weeks, you CAN make it 4 weeks

 

[bluebelle]

On to Day 16...over 400 cigarettes avoided !

Thanks for all the kind messages, they help to read more than you know.

Funny you should mention a craving out of the blue grandmato5. Woke up this morning and I have been a bit under the weather Really didn't want to get up and out of bed. As I made myself get up I thought, a cup of coffee and a cigarette will fix me right up.

Quickly corrected my thinking and reminded myself...I do not smoke anymore. A cup of coffee and my PV will fix me right up.

Habits and thinking of over 35 years are not going to be easy to change.

But I did it this morning. Vaped the 36 mg right away and am still vaping at 24 mg now hours later.

 

[zoiDman]

On to Day 16...over 400 cigarettes avoided ! ...

400 analogs is 20 Packs.

And where is live, 20 packs costs about $135

This is about the time when most people break even on their First Starter Kit and e-Liquids.

 

[CharlieGirl]

Kudos to you Blue, you should be proud of your accomplishment, and if nothing else, of making the decision to quit, because I haven't even done that yet, apparently. I started vaping with the intent of cutting down on analogs, I was a 40 year + 2 PAD addict who even woke up in the night and smoked. Pathetic? I felt quitting was so far beyond me I never even really made a whole-hearted attempt because of the certainty of failure. It wasn't so much the nicotine I knew, because I had been forced to quit upon a few hospitalizations and didn't suffer much in the line of withdrawal until I left the hospital..and the craving was insane, but past the nicotine time frame. Every molecule of my being insisted I needed that something I wasn't getting. Yes, part of it was the habit, but the rest is physical and so much more. There are definitely chemicals in tobacco beyond nicotine that we "self medicate" with, and hence the reason it is so hard to go without for some of us. Important word there, SOME, not all. My brother is totally different. He can light up a smoke socially, and never bothers otherwise. Never a problem for him! People without this issue will tell you it is all in your mind and you just need to be strong and persevere. If only! And if you can and do...chances are you can fall into depression and/or other psychological issues. I experienced this, but did not discover it, the literature is out there!
I and others believe there are different types of addictions for different types of brains, and the ones related to nicotine are the easiest to kick because of obvious reasons, and probably the most common. These are the people you hear about who pick up their PV for the 1st time and never touch another stinky. (Wish that were me!) Then there are others who are some of the above and some of the next, which is the class that has the hardest time kicking it because of issues related to the WTA's and resultant MAOI production, accounting for the psychological effects... and the reason some of the drugs with the nasty side effects (Chantix, Zyban, etc) work in getting some people off smokes. We have been led to believe all kinds of falsehoods, that nicotine is bad, that nicotine is the primary ingredient all smokers crave, and so on. Turns out nicotine also has a lot of positive attributes for quite a few different medical conditions such as ADHD, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, etc, and some people aren't really all that nic sensitive after all, but they are more so to the WTA's. Blue, don't be afraid of these, please, whether you get a e-juice with them, or snus, they may well be the answer. If you consider that it may be the reason that you were so addicted to cigarettes because that was part of your "medicine", if you don't get that from somewhere, you may continue to be tempted to keep going back to cigarettes looking for that "medicine" that you can't get anywhere else but there or in WTA's. It isn't that they ADD anything to the fluid that isn't already in tobacco, but instead of only selectively extracting nicotine, all the alkaloids are extracted, more resembling a natural tobacco profile, and providing a better experience for the user. Again, not everyone will need it, but if you do, you will know it soon enough. Since I have tried every conceivable strength and combination of fluids, PV's and then some, I know the WTA issue is mine and snus do help, if only I liked them. I hate to say this but Swedish snus are very salty and having that little slimy sack in my mouth is too reminiscent of um...having hacked up the product of a bad cold, sorry, I just can't be nice about it! (I am currently trying to make a snus juice to see if I can get enough WTA's to suffice until I can can some real WTA fluid, unfortunately, in the meantime, I am still getting my fix from a small amount of analogs daily. Small for me anyway. From 2 PAD I've been smoking maybe 3-10 depending, but I consider it a plus because it isn't 40. It still requires a lot of effort on my part, but I expect that. If I took an all or nothing approach, I would be only smoking, so I think this is still better. Of course I would love to be able to kick it! I have grandchildren I love and want to be around for! One of them you see to the left. I have been at it (vaping) for at least 7-8 months and if nothing else, at least I've learned to quit beating myself up for not being 100% smoke free. I love vaping and I can see myself vaping exclusively if only I could get that monkey off my back! I love DIY'ing and concocting my own mixes and sharing them, there is nothing I love like that about smoking, except for the way it makes me feel. If I can somehow find something even close to that, I'll be set. We are are a very limited budget, so I can't just spend at will, but how do you put a price on your life? Just hang in there Bluebelle, try to keep an open mind and continue on your path to fulfilling your goals. Don't focus on your mistakes, we all slip up, focus on your successes, take pride in what you have accomplished, it isn't easy, but you hung in there, you should be proud!

 

[bluebelle]

Hi CharlieGirl!

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I do get my 4 weeks today, but I still have cravings that sometimes are very, very strong. If my daughter didn't keep her cigarette pack away from me (at my request), I would have caved in. Five weeks is the longest I have lasted in my almost two year vaping attempt. We'll see if I can match or exceed that, don't want to jinx myself or set myself up for another failure, so I am trying not to think about that too much.

I have been trying to come to the realization that I perhaps will always have these nasty times and somehow I have to learn to deal with them. I have read how brain chemistry changes with some people and I guess that is how it is with me. I would have thought after 4 weeks that anyother toxins would have been cleaned out of my body and that any other substance I might have been addicted to would be far past the craving point.

If only really wanting to quit was enough. I do envy those who constantly post about how awful cigarettes are to them, how they hate the smell, how they took one vape and would never think of smoking again, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them, but oh, so jealous too.

I just started getting back into DIY this weekend. Made a few good mixtures and am hopeful that will help me too. Help keep the cost down too, which has been astronomical for me and my reduced budget. Can't put a price on your health I know but the rent has to be paid each month too.

I tried snus (American) a while back before trying vaping. I really did not like it at all. Made me feel a bit nauseous too.

This current attempt I spend almost 6 months just trying to cut down. 35+ years 1-2 PAD (closer to 2 most days). I think it is tremendous and wonderful that you have cut down that much! I know how hard it is, some days worse than others.

Keep up the great job you are doing. If you need any support or just to vent, feel free to use this thread or you could pm me.

As I said before, if a strong desire to quit was all it took, then everyone would be able to kick the habit. We just have to keep trying. We are all on the same path, it just might take a slight detour or two for some of us, but I know we will end up together at the finish line sooner or later.

 

[Vchick]

I hadn't heard anything in a while.......I'm so happy for you!

 

[bluebelle]

Hi Vchick!

Thanks!!! Will be a full month on Wednesday, but I am still taking it one day at a time, sometimes still one hour at a time.

Didn't want to bore everyone to tears here with my daily progress, but 4 weeks is 4 weeks!

 

[zoiDman]

Hi Vchick!

Thanks!!! Will be a full month on Wednesday, but I am still taking it one day at a time, sometimes still one hour at a time.

Didn't want to bore everyone to tears here with my daily progress, but 4 weeks is 4 weeks!

I don’t know if you remember that Michael McDonald song “Minute by Minute”.

‘Cause minute by minute by minute by minute
I keep holding on
Oh, minute by minute by minute by minute
I keep holding on

That’s what the Battle becomes at times. You just Fight and Win the Little Battles to get thru your day.

You’re Doing Great and Hopefully the Cravings have diminished to just 2 or 3 Wild Urges a Day.

 

[bluebelle]

Of course, I remember that song.

Every craving is a battle in this war I am fighting on cigarettes.

I have good days where I am just a happy vaper, then there are those bad days where the craving beast bares its fangs. No rhyme or reason I can find, happens when I least expect it sometimes, not brought on by anything I can pinpoint.

But, tomorrow morning is officially a month, and I will hopefully trudge on from there.

29 days soon today!!! I do enjoy celebrating the small victories too, not just the milestones, or what passes for a milestone for me.

 

[Rebeca]

Even if you fall...dust yourself off.... and try again...

 

[bluebelle]

One entire month smoke free for me!!!!

Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it. (Feel free to groan much like my daughter does when I say little gems like this. She was rolling her eyes as I left for work today telling her I was " going to make like the banana and split." I have been also known to make like a tree and leaf as well at moments such as that...I know enough already... )

Going to be extra careful from now on, 5 weeks is as long as I ever lasted, and that was almost 2 years ago.

This could well be another trigger point in my vaping journey for me, as it seems around days 10-12 were and also the 21day/ evening was a struggle. Not good days/evenings, but I made it through them and that is what counts.

Just have to keep reminding myself how long it took to get to this point again.

But today I and my lungs are going to be celebrating, even though I plan on to remaining vigilant and know I am not out of those proverbial woods yet.

But, no dust on me today.

 

[blondeambition3]

I started vaping the first time about 2 years ago. Made the switch from analogs to vaping exclusively after a few weeks. My vaping lasted about 5 weeks and then I fell off the vaping wagon gradually, one cigarette at a time graduating to a pack at a time. Became a full time smoker again and was until last November when I decided for my health and well being to try to become a vaper again.

Been smoking since I was a teenager. 35+ years minus those few weeks. 1-2 PAD.

I have felt the decrease in my lung capacity to the point I was becoming short of breath at times without much exertion. I had a terrible cough and chronic bronchitis. Cough so hard at times I missed part of television shows and had to put my phone on mute while talking to people so they wouldn't hear how bad I was. And yes, I was embarrassed too. I sounded awful. Felt pretty awful too.

Finally, after a long tapering down period and withdrawal, even with vaping 24 mg, I succeeded in getting my first 24 hours, then 48, then a week and almost 10 days.

My lungs feel so much better even after this short time, my deep cough is gone and I am not breathless anymore. I can smell again. I smell better.

And I know the pitfalls. I started back to analogs one step at a time the last time. I am, I thought an intelligent person, I know I am an addict and thought I learned my lesson. I have been telling myself I can never have another cigarette. As the days progressed I also thought what a shame it would be to throw those analog free days away I fought with myself to gain.

I can't blame stress, the fact that I live with an analog smoker, that my boss is an analog smoker who, believe it or not, smokes inside the office, or anything else. It is my fight and only I can win it or defeat myself. Was so proud of myself for doing this again.

Then Sunday morning happened. And yes, it was not a good weekend. The analog smoker I live with is my adult daughter who is bi-polar and has the ensuing emotional problems that always circle her. She was not having a good weekend and seem to want to make sure I didn't have one either. But that is what my life is and I know smoking an analog will not improve the situation one iota.

Got up Sunday morning, and there they were, her analogs on the coffee table. And well, you probably have guessed what happened. I lit one and smoked most of it. Why after all this time and knowing what I know from my last fall from vaping grace did I do that?

I am so angry and ashamed of myself. On the positive side if there is one, I have not had another although to be honest, I have thought about it.

I was going to change my signature to reflect my fall but so far have decided to mentally take one off the total analogs avoided. Looking at my banner and the total avoided adding up was an inspiration to me the last ten days, but perhaps I should set it back to yesterday, at least I will have 24 hours again as of this post.

Will I never be completely free? How many times do I have to learn the same sorry lesson? Has this happened to anyone else?

If for nothing else, thanks for letting me vent.

One day you will succeed (Just take one day at a time)......... and never give up. Don't be so hard on yourself and learn to forgive yourself. You're stronger than you realize ..... your challenges are formidable.

 

[kingcobra]

Well congrats Blue for making it this far. I must say though that for someone who has just begun this journey this is all a little disconcerting to me. The longest I've gone without a cigarette during waking hours is 5 hours, since 1978, and that was with vaping. Other than that, maybe 3 hours or so, I remember in college not being able to make it through a 3 hour exam and always needing to sneak out for a smoke during the thing.

So while I did manage to cut down during the 13 months I've been vaping, and have tried switching totally quite a few times, 5 hours was the furthest I've ever made it until now. So it's been 42 hours now which might not seem that long for most folks but for me it has been an eternity.

So this is no treat and I certainly felt a lot better when I was both smoking and vaping, but the idea was to hang on for a little while and see how things go. So I do find it more than a little troubling that people struggle with this a month into it. I guess what I was looking to read and didn't as of yet is that you get to a point, hopefully much more quickly than a month, that you feel better off the damn things than you did when you were smoking. When I say feel better I mean overall, not just breathing better or coughing less which I assume are both a given.

I've come away with something positive and helpful from this thread though. I normally vape 30 mg and it's pretty clear that I'm not getting the nic I need from that at this point, without the tobacco to go with it, and the folks who have chimed in who are vaping 36 got me thinking that I should try that. So fortunately I have a couple of bottles of 60 nic juice and I used it to bump up a bottle to around 36. So that really helped and in fact this is the first time I've tried this strength and I really like it, and there's no question in fact that I'll be vaping 36 from now on, so a big thanks goes out for this!!!

So for me this has helped me stave off lighting up, at least for now, to get that big rush that comes with smoking. I'm motivated to persevere here although every hour takes me into another dark place and I've no idea what is in store for me, so who knows how this will all come out.

Regardless though, I think that I have crossed over from a smoker who vapes to a vaper, which is what is really significant for those of us who want to make vaping our primary way of getting our fix. I don't really think that this necessarily means abstinence, although for some people that might be the best way and even the only way. If we remember back to when we first started smoking, as a rule we didn't get all out addicted right then, and this took time.

So that's the way it is with casual smokers, and I think that this is the area that we want to focus on achieving, whether that means giving them up forever or occasionally smoking one. If we can go from smoking our brains out and having no choice over the matter, so having an occasional cigarette while being in control and not relapsing, then this is an achievement to be sure, if that's where your experience and needs take you.

So people shouldn't beat themselves up for what they consider the failure of lighting up again, if it does happen, as they haven't failed, they have succeeded in taking another step forward toward not being a slave to smoking. We at the very least need to cast off whatever ideas we have of the stigma of smoking, and if we can do that, at least we can have an open mind, which is required.

So this need not be a pure black and white thing, as there are grey areas and if we neglect considering them we may only end up making things harder on ourselves. The cigarettes are hard enough to kick without our adding to the kicking by kicking ourselves too much as well.

So what I want to do is cast off my chains, whether that means smoking a little or perhaps never again. If I do light up again, and who knows at this point, I will have gone longer than I ever have in 34 years without a cigarette, which I already have achieved, and that's not something to get angry or guilty about, it's something to be proud about and shows that I am at least gaining more control of things

 

[kingcobra]

P.S., the 36 mg is making a hell of a difference for me even though it's just 6 more mg than what I've been used to, if people are struggling you want to reach for this first before you light up and you may find, as I am finding, that it does help!!!

 

[bluebelle]

Hi King Cobra!

I know what you mean. My PV has given me the only real freedom from cigarettes I have known since 1974, when I started as a young teen. This is the longest I have ever went without a cigarette since then. Tried everything before and nothing worked at all.

I am starting to feel like I am more in control now at this point in my journey, although I am trying to temper that with the constant thought and knowledge that I am an addict and control is a fluid concept.

36mg is the only thing that got me through some tough times. I can't thank markfm enough for being kind enough to send me some of his Vananaberry.

At this point I can't say I will never smoke again, but what I can say is if I do fall and have one, I will go back to vaping. I think I have finally made the transitition from being a smoker to a vaper.

I am going to make some of my own 36mg this week, since my Vananaberry stash is woefully low. Just for those tough times.

Yes, I am even back to DIY again.

Also what was really great this week is that 2 young people saw me vaping at the bus stop going to and coming home from work. Both asked me about it and I directed them here to the ECF and the vendor I bought my PV from. Told them not to get the gas station ones, to join here and learn.

Told them , if I can do it so can they. I was smoking long before they were born.

Both said they would join here and learn at least.

How neat is that? Maybe I helped save them the years of torment to their bodies, money wasted buying the starter kits almost everyone buys at first, and helped them beat what could be a lifelong addiction.

I hope so.

 

[kingcobra]

Well it's a week since I posted that and I have found success this time, I've been vaping 36 and it's taking care of my nic cravings. There definitely is something missing though at this point although that very well may be my body still going through withdrawal with the other components of smoking tobacco. I definitely do not want to go back to the tobacco though, that just seems like checking myself back into prison and I am free now. I tried vaping a lower nic content, 18, 24, even 30, and that just doesn't satisfy me. So I have bumped up some of my juice and have gotten some more 60 mg to keep that up.

So I wish someone had told me this a while back, all I remember pretty much is people saying they don't know how I could vape 30 mg when they were vaping 18 or less, with some people that is enough, but with me it always only took a few hours before I gave in again to the analogs.

So I can't say I'm completely happy with things right now, meaning I'm not completely satisfied with where I am at but on the other hand it's only been 9 days. Whatever I do though it won't be going back to smoking analogs. Maybe I will try some WTA juice if it turns out that I don't get what I am looking for in time.

Any time you convert someone to vaping and they stick with it, that's a great thing. I know I'm grateful to the buddy who came in my office one day with a PV and had me give it a try. I had thought e-cigs were inhaling poision, anti-freeze actually, up until that time. The people who put out all this false garbage need to be flogged.

It's probably going to take a while to completely heal from all of that abuse from something that started as a cool buzz and ended up taking over my life for so long. With vaping at least we have a much more healthy alternative to this and I sure am glad I got turned on to it.

 

[Wickedwench]

Bluebell, I'm gonna give you the one thing I have learned by having several chemical crutches and dealing with mental illness in loved ones:
Analogs are a bad bandage on a gushing wound. They lie to you. They tell you they will make it better while quietly making it worse.
There is only so much you can do to help others, but if you make yourself sick, you ruin what chance you may get.
If you're like me, the analog is a pause in the chaos, a little "me" time in the storm. If that "me" time is making you sick, it is betraying you and what you care about. The analog has become the blood sucking villain and you need to put it down, hard and fast.

 

[PsychicRachel]

This post makes me feel better.. today is my first day without analogs. .. for the 5 th time on the last 6 months... stumbling is what makes us stronger and crave what we want even more I hear u loudnclear

Sent from my VM670 using Tapatalk 2

 

[bluebelle]

I'm not sure I will ever stop missing cigarettes. I don't think that will happen. I enjoyed smoking and it was one of the few things I was good at.

What I did not enjoy was the cost to my health and wallet. Also, did not enjoy the anti-smoking crusade of the last decade or so making me into a pariah.

To be honest, if it was safe, affordable, and acceptable, I'd be lighting up right now.

But it's not, and vaping is the next best thing to being there. The only thing that ever worked for me.

From my experience, I am sure there are other substances than nicotine that I am addicted to. And those nasty entities take more than the "three days free and your system is clean and free" supposed wisdom that is thrown about by the medical community and non-smokers as far as addiction goes.

It seems to me any way, that some of us are more addicted to those the chemicals contained in cigarettes than other people, hence the people who can pick up a PV one day and never look back. For me, it is a struggle with myself and my addictions at times.

Vaping is a lifestyle change I have found, and not a substitution for cigarettes. There is nothing that is going to take the place of cigarettes, no juice or PV that is going to ever be a like a cigarette for me.

It will however, get me through. I can't vape anything lower than 24mg and feel any satisfaction. That may never change, I think I will be a lifetime nicotine addict.

Being a smoker is not an option any more I have to keep telling myself.

I smoked for 35 years, how many people do something so harmful for so long and live to tell about it?