How to deal with mentall ill friend

[OutWest]

If you do want to reach out to her, I'd say take it slow and easy, and treat her like you would any other equal (with respect and courtesy). Dont be pushy but dont discourage her, and with time she should begin to trust you and open up to you. Might even tell her, after getting to know her some, some of your own problems/troubles/issues. Ie: "Sorry that I havent been as chatty as normal - it's not you, i've just been going through some depression issues lately".

Of course, it goes without saying that if you get her to open up too much to you, you can end up with her having a crush on ya and then her feeling down and rejected when you dont share those same feelings.

The best thing you can do, though, (imho) is to treat her as you would anyone else - start with making small talk, slowly talk more and more, accept her for who she is, and treat her as an equal. I used to work with adults with developmental disabilities and other mental issues, and became good friends with some of them (and even those that I didnt become good friends with, the other ones and myself still had mutual respect for one another and got along great), simply because I treated them as I would anyone else, rather than talking down to them, etc. Just because I test out with a much higher IQ doesnt mean I'm any better than they are. And, in some ways many of the people I worked with are much smarter than I am (ie: many of them knew exactly how to manipulate so-called "normal" people to get their way and how to push their buttons when they wanted/needed to.)

Honestly, sincerity, respect, and sharing of both good and bad stories goes a long ways. And, on a side note, imho everyone has mental issues to one degree or another. There's no such thing as "completely normal".

 

[5cardstud]

talk to her .. but that sounds like major psychological problems.. avoiding looking at ppl is either severe insecurity or sign of abuse

Thats what I think, Shes very insecure.

 

[Kimmy]

I'm sorry I find it extremely insulting to just come to the conclusion she is mentally ill based on almost no hard evidence. Perhaps she is acting this way because she just doesn't want to talk to you? Sometimes people use sarcasm as a way to push people away.

Sarcasm is not a character flaw. Not making eye contact is a common occurrence. A pained look? Life is hard, I've never met a person who smiles 100% of the time. We all have different personalities. Just because someone doesn't fit society's norm doesn't mean they are deviant or mentally ill.

Best way to fulfill your curiosity would be to ask her what is wrong. Judgements seldom answer questions.

I don't go to church, but I always assumed people who hold religion to such a high standard would try to help her. Not ignore her because she is a bit different.

 

[cappuccina]

To me, it sounds like Asperger's which is really not a mental illness, but a disorder (like PDD), and means the person is on the "higher functioning" end of the autistic spectrum.

 

[Madame Psychosis]

Wow. I'm actually amazed you guys have diagnosed this girl from a loose description of her personality.

Good point. Guess I didn't make that clear enough from my post that what I was saying was a vague assumption. It's important to remember none of us are doctors or psychologists, and even if we were, it's impossible to diagnose off the Internet....even if it were a first hand account.

And given that point, Kimmy, I mostly agree with you. Calling someone mentally ill from outside impressions can be quite a leap (or in a V4L thread along similar lines, calling someone "mentally disabled" when they have a mental illness -- which made me gag). And there are a lot of things besides actual, DSM-IV-grade mental illness that can alter social behavior.
(Personality isn't always pathology, as much as the psychiatric community might like the extra business. Like OutWest said, we've all got issues.)

All the same, as long as one doesn't make strong assumptions or spread gossip, trying to understand the situation a person might be in is a way to strengthen compassion. Ultimately the goal has to be to see any person as an equal, whatever their battle may be.

 

[HaploVoss]

I would also agree on not jumping to conclusions and just asking her straight forward. My best friend for over 12 years has aspergers. It is really hard on him - and me for sure at times, but that was what hit it off for us all those years ago actually... He kept coming around the music sessions I played at, but was always 'nervous' I thought. Kept acting sort of 'odd'. Couldn't quite put my finger on it so I stopped him after the session one night and just asked him what his name was.

He freaked out and literally ran to his car and took off. The next week he waved me over to him, apologized, explained his condition, and we've been friends ever since. He's had several really bad episodes over the years and spent many a day or three at my house in the spare room getting past them, and it was really hard on him when I got married - new people are a major upset for him, but it has ended up even better for him to have a safe 'female influence' to talk to also.

My point is that this girl you are speaking of may or may not have this disorder, but it sounds to me like she does have some sort of issue. The best thing I can think of is to just ask her or at the very least her family.

You don't want to hurt anyone I know, but it is best to find out what you are dealing with before you end up hurting more than you are helping. Sometimes that is just the way things are no matter how much we want to help.

You may inadvertently be giving her feelings / hope of feelings, she is not able to cope with - stop and think about it and find out about it - before you continue. I realize that is most likely not your intention but you have to think about these things.

Anyway - I'm rambling here. Apologies. Take care and best of luck,
- Hap

 

[The Gentleman Cannibal]

I agree with Kimmy on our little Amateur Psychologist Night. Diagnosing a mental illness can be tricky when you're a trained psychiatrist and have a large amount of data to work with. We are neither. Well, some of us might be the former, but still.
I think the answer to your question requires you to ask but two things:

1. Do you show a genuine interest in this person (as opposed to how odd she acts/some misguided healer complex)?
2. Does this person show interest in forming a friendship with you?

If the answer is no to any one of these, then the answer is no to the big one. If it's yes to both of these, then you're golden. Simple as kittens.

 

[gashin]

Thanks guys for all the input. From looking at Asperger's symptoms I'd say she has it - she looks COMPLETELY normal when she's still and she even knows how to dress up and put on make-up. I was initially attracted to talk to her because of her looks and she seemed very normal but then I realized during our second meeting that her behavior had changed significantly - this was when she came up to me crying in Church and avoided joining the service and eye contact. The next time I saw her she was outside of Church waiting alone with no one talking to her even though they all knew her. She greeted me perfectly normal and we actually held a normal conversation (she didn't have a hint of sarcasm) for I'd say 5 minutes. Then it seemed like her behavior shifted within 30 minutes and she started acting strange again - she wouldn't say anything unless I talked to her and would give me sarcastic remarks. The thing is she started following me and sitting with me everywhere - I think this is because she really is lonely there with no one, not even her brother or the pastor, willing to just to even talk to her. But I think this confirms that she has Asperger's - she would follow me and wait for me but then she would react to literally EVERYTHING I said with sarcasm and pained looks. I did try talking to her about her hobbies and she can draw very well - it's just it seems like there's nothing else there because she never does small talk because she always cuts it off with sarcasm.

I guess I'll see how it goes - I'm not attracted to her for a romantic relationship or anything and yes I admit I am talking to her now out of pity....

 

[IndyJay]

Since I don't know what her DX is. But you say you see her in church and she cant make eye contact, don't try to with her. Just lightly bump shoulders with her and talk softly with her and see how she responds.

 

[Motts]

I have a room mate who is diagnosed type 3 bipolar, has some of the same issues, had a hard time when talking to someone, looking them in the eye, especially when he frustrated. Talk about a hard person to live with, but hes been one of my best friends for a number of years. If you like the person, anything is worth a shot, but im kind of screwed, because my buddied mental illness pay half of the rent lolz!

 

[graveyardshift]

If you want to walk the road of having a relationship with someone who is (more than likely from your descrption) in need of some degree of psychiatric care, go for it. And if you go for it, encourage her to get to a doctor/therapist. Yes, there are a lot that will just be happy to toss meds at it until she's a zombie but there are also many who will balance minimal medication with heaps of actual treatment that can eventually lessen/remove the need for medication. From personal experience I've seen it happen, but it requires a really dedicated treatment team - not just the drugs, or the therapist, but friends and family as well. Not easy.

This is assuming she's not just a ...... It's always an option. Imho, being a ..... SHOULD be in the DSM but it's not. QQ at being on the front-and-unheard lines of psychiatric care lol!

 

[Kate51]

Just say, wanna talk, simple, smile with your eyes, she'll look. It could be more than one thinks, but it also could just be a type of autism or just may be plain introverted. Whatever, she could be just a very dynamic person needing someone to take the time to draw her out. If it does, that's great, even if it doesn't work, she will see a friend. That's worth a LOT of trouble! Helping others to include her in the circle will also be nice. Any parental presence around to ask for help/advice/suggestions?
I have a 13-year old step-granddaughter who has autism, very deeply affected, has some of the same attributes you mention. She'll never make the first move. She loves watching alone the same TV shows/movies over and over. So when I want to break in on her, I go up to her, punch her in the arm, (gently and kiddingly), and ask her what she's watching, and she can tell you the stage names and real names of every person in the show, and other things they've done, and what the next phrase is going to be. She can whip onto any video website on your computer and sign in, and give you some more movie lessons! She's very a very bright, tall and slender red-head, and after someone makes the "break" she takes part a lot easier in the conversation around her, but it can be hard to do. Depends on her mood. She's also a straight-A student. So she gets it, just needs a little steering.