relationship help

[im_coryy]

hello ecf. this is kind of a strange post for me as i dont really reach out to others often as i dont have anyone to reach out too. ive noticed many people here are much wiser and older than myself so you guys would really be able to help me out.

so ive got this girlfriend who ive been dating for 8 months. things are...meh to say the least. we get along but shes got some problems and it gets in the way. she use to be a drug addict(......) and she still struggles with it from time to time as well as low self esteem and eating disorders. well she managed to get away from the drugs but from time to time still cuts herself or throws up. however she cheated on me once, she sent ..... to another guy on facebook and i forgave her. today she set me up, she got a new number and pretended to be another girl and said she wanted to have sex with me. i told this pretend girl nah i dont even know who you are, however i never mentioned i was in a relationship and i did agree to meet up to do something like grab a cup of coffee because well i dont have any friends (seriously i never do anything with anyone). i found out it was my girlfriend and she accused me of cheated or intending to cheat and when i explained it to her she said i was a lier and a shady person and just changing my story. i tried to tell her look i love you but she doesnt want to hear it. theirs also the problem that she may or may not be pregnant with my child, we arent sure 1/3 tests came up positive and the other 2 negative. she said she wants to keep it but im 21 and not ready for a kid. i dont even have an associates degree yet and wont for another year.

from an outside view id say leave her theirs plenty of people to choose from, however my heart says otherwise.

im sorry i know you guys probably dont give a .... about my problems i just have nobody else to reach out too. my mom doesnt understand and her answer for everything is im going to kick you out of the house and i dont have any friends to talk to as ive kept to myself my entire life. really the only people ive got is ecf, yes its sad but ive met some good people here.

thank you in advance honestly this means alot to me. ive even made a special e juice for my troubles today, cory's special stressed berry blend 36mg of nic when i usually vape 12mg. also accompanied with 2 packs of cigarettes, my first cigarette in months.

 

[COGamerGirl]

In my humble opinion anytime either party in a relationship feels like it's ok or they need to resort to "tricking" the person they are with, that's the end of it.
Her self esteem issues are something she has to address on her own. Looking to your faithfulness (or her perceived lack of) will not resolve her issues.
Sounds to me like some counseling is in order.
Only you can decide if you are able to walk that path with her if she is willing to get help.

Yes, I'm a girl and I use a Mech!

 

[im_coryy]

thanks i appreciate it, ive tried to recommend counseling and ive told he she needs to change and grow as a person, learning to love herself first. she kind of gets it bu not really. i guess small steps are being made but the stress and everything else is getting to be a lot. i shouldnt be fighting with someone love every week because she decides to get depressed or become bipolar and not trust me. ive never done anything wrong (at least in my opinion) but wow this kinda sucks. i feel like its time to move on and hope like hell she isnt pregnant or gets an abortion. i mean if it hasnt gotten better yet hows it going to be in 5, 10, 20 years.

 

[im_coryy]

i feel like im holding onto something that isnt there or never will be there.

what mech do you use? i just recently purchased a solid bronze nemesis it should be here in about 5 days. cant wait to mix and match with my SS nemesis

 

[chapeltown]

Cory~

Please believe me when I say that the best thing you can do for yourself is to get out. In some cases, the last thing you ought to listen to is your heart. There are a lot of reasons that you feel like your heart is telling you to stay. You likely feel like this is something you need (a relationship) because you have no one else to lean on and or rely on. You also feel like you can help her somehow, and that if you cut her off, it will become your fault if she crashes and burns. Those are both false. I see that even though you are still fighting the cravings for cigarettes, you are really trying to do the right thing for your health and future. You're in school, you're vaping, and you are trying to do what is right, not just what is easy. This girl, I know you care for her, but regardless of what she says; she is not capable of a fulfilling, healthy relationship right now. I don't know whether she ever will be, that is on her.

People do not "decide" they are bipolar or depressed or whatever. Either you have a mental illness or you don't. She clearly does. She needs help, but not the kind you can provide. And she will avoid getting that help until she realizes it is in her best interests to do so. She may have to hit rock bottom before she wakes up, and you keeping her around is not going to help her. She probably figures that as long as she can keep you, she must be doing alright, even though she clearly is not.

As for the pregnancy thing....the likelihood of her being pregnant with only one out of 3 preg tests coming out positive is pretty slim. Don't increase your chances, if you know what I mean.

You asked for support and advise, so here it is in a nutshell:

RUN!!!!! You can't save her, she is more likely to ruin you.
Pray for her.
Make friends with people here who might be local here. Then you know you have something in common if you meet someday in real life.

I wish you the best.

 

[KenD]

I'm very reluctant to offer advice without knowing you or the situation personally, but I'll say this. Roles in relationships tend to be set quite early on, and bad habits and behavioural patterns are very difficult to break. People change, yes, but even then the dynamics that have been established in a relationship tend to remain more or less intact. If you've had this much trouble in only eight months the smart move might be to cut your losses and end the relationship. I do understand that it can be difficult to do. I was in a fairly destructive relationship for two and a half years. It ended on mutual agreement not due to love ending but due to the impossibility of the situation, but six and a half years later I still haven't been in another relationship and she's still "the one". Friends and family kept telling me that I should end it, and if I would've ended it earlier it would've hurt less. In my case, and in yours as well it sounds, a strong part was that she had problems (I did as well though) and I felt the need to "save" her. Problem is, even if you manage to help her you'll always remain the person who saw her at her weakest, she'll resent you because you'll always be a reminder of that, and you'll remain in the role of punching bag/therapist that was established early on in the relationship. But, as I said, please keep in mind that I really know nothing about you, her, and the situation and I could be completely wrong.

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk

 

[MattyRetro]

I dont see much reason to try and make something work that is inherently broken. You should just give her the boot and move on. Your a young guy and have the whole world in front of you. No reason to settle for something like that.

 

[Racehorse]

theirs also the problem that she may or may not be pregnant with my child, we arent sure 1/3 tests came up positive and the other 2 negative. she said she wants to keep it but im 21 and not ready for a kid. i dont even have an associates degree yet and wont for another year.

While everyone is advising you to "get out", this adds another rather intense aspect to the situation.

I would say that both of you would benefit from some counselling in your young lives.

I am worried when you say you don't have any real friends, because that means that you don't have much of an emotional support system. There is also the fact that you have been drawn to have a relationship with this gal and there are reasons you acquiesed to that, despite knowing all the complications of her psychology.

There's a lot to sort out, esp. if there is a baby on the way, for which you must take responsibility despite that you say you're "not ready for a kid"....

and while it's true as someone else said that she probably is not pregnant, YOUR behavior is one where you took chances, you irresponsibly took risks that you are not in a position to shoulder.....not ready to take on, by your own admission.......and yet you did, in this day and age when there is more than enough adequate birth control methods available for both of you.

Please, do seek out some professional counselling, help you get a direction and some insight into yourself and your actions, and she will hopefully get some counselling, too, whether you stay together or not.

I wish you the very best, but an internet forum of strangers, no matter how nice people are here, is still not going to be an acceptable stand-in for the kind of support system you both need.

Let us know how it's going.....

 

[Ryan H]

Here's a quick flow of what I'd do if I were you:

1. Determine if pregnant FOR SURE, go see a doc with her.

YES: Make it work for now, plan on supporting a child no matter what.
NO: RUN! HURRY.

 

[Kim B.]

Cory, you've gotten some good advice here already. I'm adding my opinion that yes, you should let her go. I know that will be hard for you, especially since you don't have anyone else in your life. What you do have is a bright future and a lot of years ahead of you to grow, change, and come out of your shell. Believe me, you do not want to saddle yourself with this girl and all her baggage. You don't want to look back a few years from now, after you've been to hell and back with her, and say to yourself "If I knew then what I know now..." Focus on yourself for now, set your goals and work toward a future that you can share with someone who has similar goals that you can build a happy life with. Good luck, I wish you all the best.

 

[tp4tissue]

This is incredibly simple..

Most basically, humans have 3 distinct brain regions, which evolved in the order of

Reptilian , Limbic, and Neocortex


Your reptilian brain told you, this chick is H0t, sex her..

Your Limbic (emotion control) system told you, YOU LOVE this chick, because she sexed with you..



The advice that you seek and that has been given by fellow posters comes from the Neocortex (Logic processor) which is our newest evolutionary gizmo.


You've utilized the reptilian and limbic system flawlessly... You sexed with the female and believe that you love her..... Now the test has shifted to your Neocortex..


Ideally we'd like all brain components to operate simultaneously, but that does not happen for humans due to the relative size and development time of our great brains..

Which is why younger people (you) tend to make more rash decisions with less consult from your Neocortex.. in fact, your neocortex is the last component to fully form, ends @ about age 25, which you're just barely towards.



So.. if you're still in doubt, ask your own neocortex...

 

[zapped]

Many people who abuse illegal substances do so because of an underlying mental health issue.

Personally, I would get rid of whatever is causing all the drama and focus on myself for awhile. Go back to school, start working out, take some positive steps to better yourself and realize that she needs to do the same before she can even begin to deal with her self esteem issues.

Also realize that if there is/are a mental health issue(s) she may never get better and the drama will continue and possibly get worse. You can still love someone and even be in love with them and realize that it is an unhealthy love.....for all parties involved.

The trick is finding someone who loves you and enriches your life with their presence....and vice versa.

 

[WharfRat1976]

Corry, you know what to do---You just don't want to do it---So look to yourself for your answers and ultimately, perhaps some , action...

 

[DeloresRose]

I know, when you're young, relationships will all come with some drama. But this is not a little, it's a lot. Before you commit to anyone, you ought to know what you want and need in another person. Write yourself a list, just like if you were buying a car. If you wanted a 4 door with low miles and good gas mileage for under 3 grand, you wouldn't settle for a two door that gets 10 mpg and costs twice as much, would you?

Why would you settle for a companion who doesn't meet your wish list? You want someone who is honest, trusts you, treats you fairly, and makes you feel good about yourself. That girl is out there, and she is worth waiting for. And you deserve her.

 

[Chimney34]

I don't think I could say it any better than Chapel & Racehorse already have. Hang in there! Moving on & moving forward really is the best thing that you can do for the both of you.

 

[Auxx]

So you say you are 21... Why to ruin your life? If you were supportive through all these months, then you did your best. Forget her and move on. Otherwise you will become a junkie one day. No one will win in such situation.

 

[RogerWilco357]

Ok I will take her side. First off you forgave her for her pics. And you knew she had troubles and maybe pregnant . You should have hung up on the sex offer period no coffee or happy meals . I would take her to an O.B and make sure she is or isn't . Since your not 100% sure she is or isn't. Lastly like i tell my boys if you play you pay period man up and meet your obligations . To the pregnancy that is..It seems your willing to go off and meet someone who is offering you sex when you know your woman maybe pregnant tells me you really don't love her as much as you believe. You should both part ways its better for both of you in the long run and the child should there be one on the way. I don't believe in abortion and my 30 years being with my wife since we were teens and having 9 kids proves that ..Corvettes where never in my future lol..oh well there you go , hope it all works out for the best. Stay in school while you work it will be hard but worth it for all involved.