LOL good one Amy!
Jokes
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LOL good one Amy!
this is the only joke i tell,,,,it is the only one i dont screw up
How do you catch a unique bird?
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U nique up on it
How do you catch a tame bird?
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The tame way
TADA!!!!!!!! gotta vape
Bwaaaaahahahahahaha!!!!!
Love it!
Gotta go tell my wife this one!
TT
The Fix:
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg , Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered -
Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes..
Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg , Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered -
Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes..
Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!
One of our lady friends on here (I won't mention any names) was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man who was coming to get a soda. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied:
"Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
TT
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied:
"Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
TT
A guy goes to a bar and after a few beers, bets his buddy $200 that he can piss all over the bar. Buddy says, "I'll take that bet." So the guy goes up to the bar and bets the bartender $100 that he can piss in a beer glass at the end of the bar.
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of
town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment,
turned on the switch & everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him
with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized
that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful
information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the
instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It
works fantastically, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep: 'the
machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of
town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment,
turned on the switch & everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him
with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized
that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful
information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the
instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It
works fantastically, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep: 'the
machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Ooohhh Free .... that .....oooh my ..... actually at about a gallon and a half it starts to let go ...
I read that somewhere ....
TT
I read that somewhere ....
TT
We must've got 'em from different companies. Mines still on. Wife's been gone for a week; should be home in 2 more dayssssss...Ohhh. Little looser now.
DeXTeR: What would you do if you broke your arm in two places?
TexasT: I don't know but I would recommend that you don't visit those places again.
TexasT: I don't know but I would recommend that you don't visit those places again.
Ummmm, there are several ways I could reply to this. However, I just came off of two very long shifts at work and am afraid I will say something that can't be retracted
Somebody has to keep working, to keep your "sociable securities" checks coming
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you!)
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you!)
LOL, I need to tell this one to the old men up at the Coffee Shop!
Good one Free!
TT
Good one Free!
TT
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