Laughter....Post a Joke, A funny..Anything to make us smile :)
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ....
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the .... out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ....
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ....
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the .... out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ....
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
The Bathtub Burbler
A man who had been doing chores around the house all day was feeling stiff and sore. His wife, who was very pleased at her husband's initiative, decided to reward him by drawing him a hot bath, serving him a nice Rye whiskey, and joining him later for some extra fun.
The husband was quite happy to be pampered in this manner, so he lay in the tub, and called out for his wife to bring him his drink.
She said: If there's anything else I can do for you dear, just call for it, and I'll be happy to bring it up to you.
As soon as he heard her reach the bottom of the stairs, he let out a long, burbly bathtub fart, which produced enough stink filled bubbles to fog up the entire bathroom.
Moments later, his wife enters the room with a hot water bottle.
The confused husband looks up and says: What on earth gave you the idea that I needed a hot water bottle?
She answers: Didn't you just say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle?"
A man who had been doing chores around the house all day was feeling stiff and sore. His wife, who was very pleased at her husband's initiative, decided to reward him by drawing him a hot bath, serving him a nice Rye whiskey, and joining him later for some extra fun.
The husband was quite happy to be pampered in this manner, so he lay in the tub, and called out for his wife to bring him his drink.
She said: If there's anything else I can do for you dear, just call for it, and I'll be happy to bring it up to you.
As soon as he heard her reach the bottom of the stairs, he let out a long, burbly bathtub fart, which produced enough stink filled bubbles to fog up the entire bathroom.
Moments later, his wife enters the room with a hot water bottle.
The confused husband looks up and says: What on earth gave you the idea that I needed a hot water bottle?
She answers: Didn't you just say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle?"
The tournament took weeks to narrow the field to two. It was a tough match at the club for the championship between a club veteran and a new member. Shot for shot, no one had the advantage, if one sank one from the bunker the other would make a long putt. They rarely spoke as the tension was palpable and the crowd grew hole by hole, cheering every shot. They both reached the 18th green, still even for the day and if either one sank their putt, the championship would be theirs. The young guy putted but it lipped out leaving the opportunity for the vet. As the vet was lining up his putt, a long funeral procession passed outside the clubs' fence. He noticed, put his hand over his heart and waited for it to pass, then calmly straightened himself out and sank the putt. After congratulating his opponent, the young man said in amazement 'I was shocked when you stepped back and kept your concentration! Why did you stop for the funeral?'
The vet looked back at him and said "Well, we would have been married 30 years in September"
Wives of golfers understand!
The vet looked back at him and said "Well, we would have been married 30 years in September"
Wives of golfers understand!
A fellow hears a scratching at his front door, so he goes to the door and opens it. He looks down and all he sees is a snail. So he picks up the snail and flings it across the street into the woods.
Three months later, he hears the scratching again, opens the door and the snail looks up and says, "Well what was THAT all about?"
Three months later, he hears the scratching again, opens the door and the snail looks up and says, "Well what was THAT all about?"
Two teamsters are standing by the corner of a building when one of them sees a snail slithering along the ground. He says to his partner "Hey, look a snail, how cute!" His buddy turns around and stomps on the snail, grinding the poor thing with his boot. The first guy says "Hey, what the hell did you do that for?" The answer, "That damned thing has been following me all day!"
My father-in-law was a teamster so I think its approved!
My father-in-law was a teamster so I think its approved!
iHeart45s posted this in the PA forum and it is funny!:
"Hardcore vaping" electronic cigarette video review is full of both nicotine and LOL - Boing Boing
"Hardcore vaping" electronic cigarette video review is full of both nicotine and LOL - Boing Boing
Hi All - I got this in my inbox this week and just wanted to share it with everyone here - enjoy!
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.
He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and
set about nailing it to a post on the edge of
his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the
post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked
down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your
puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat
off the back of his neck, "These puppies come
from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then
reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a
handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take
a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out
a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran
Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain
link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the
dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy
noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably
smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat
awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward
the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the
runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said,
"Son, you don't want that puppy.. He will never be able
to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence,
reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his
trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down
both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made
shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir,
I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone
who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and
picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge,"
answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who
understands.
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.
He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and
set about nailing it to a post on the edge of
his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the
post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked
down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your
puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat
off the back of his neck, "These puppies come
from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then
reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a
handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take
a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out
a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran
Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain
link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the
dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy
noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably
smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat
awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward
the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the
runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said,
"Son, you don't want that puppy.. He will never be able
to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence,
reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his
trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down
both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made
shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir,
I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone
who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and
picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge,"
answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who
understands.
awwwwww... thanks for sharing trekie!!! I watched the end of forrest gump today... and like always i got all sniffly and snotty... I am becoming a ball bag!!!
here's one..........
Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
1. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing Pet Food: Premium, Healthy Dog Food and Cat Food for Pets | Purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
8. It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
10. He can’t stick his head out of Windows.
Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
1. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing Pet Food: Premium, Healthy Dog Food and Cat Food for Pets | Purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
8. It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
10. He can’t stick his head out of Windows.
and another...
Useful Phrases for High Stress Days
* Do I really look like a people person?
* Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
* And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be…?
* I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
* Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
* Do they ever shut up on your planet?
* Did the aliens forget to remove the probe?
* Earth is full. Go home.
* Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
* I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Useful Phrases for High Stress Days
* Do I really look like a people person?
* Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
* And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be…?
* I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
* Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
* Do they ever shut up on your planet?
* Did the aliens forget to remove the probe?
* Earth is full. Go home.
* Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
* I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
and thats all folks......
More Bumper Stickers
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats … they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Don’t blame me, I’m from Uranus.
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
More Bumper Stickers
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats … they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Don’t blame me, I’m from Uranus.
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
I'll prolly get in trouble for posting this...but i can't help it...it's too flipping funny.
This isn't really a joke but it is kind of funny.
So Wednesday we were rushing out to keep a appointment when my husband looked at the paper work and said "Honey? This says the appointment was two days ago!". After calling and apologizing to everyone I turned to him and said "I'm so sorry honey! Maybe it was for the best, maybe there was a reason we weren't supposed to go there today". He hugged me and said "you know your absolutely right! Cuz the appointment was on Monday!"
So Wednesday we were rushing out to keep a appointment when my husband looked at the paper work and said "Honey? This says the appointment was two days ago!". After calling and apologizing to everyone I turned to him and said "I'm so sorry honey! Maybe it was for the best, maybe there was a reason we weren't supposed to go there today". He hugged me and said "you know your absolutely right! Cuz the appointment was on Monday!"
LOL... this has happened to me on more than 1 occasion!!! what was the app. for?
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