lavatube 1.5 giveaway contest at Vaporus.com
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Gonna go with #15
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
Alrighty... Number 77 Please. 
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender asks the Englishman? why he is wearing a suit to which the Englishman replies, "To show pride in my appearance."
He asks the Irishman why he is wearing so much green, to which he replies, "To show pride in my country."
He asks the Scotsman why he's wearing a kilt, to which he replies, "Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away."
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender asks the Englishman? why he is wearing a suit to which the Englishman replies, "To show pride in my appearance."
He asks the Irishman why he is wearing so much green, to which he replies, "To show pride in my country."
He asks the Scotsman why he's wearing a kilt, to which he replies, "Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away."
Alrighty... Number 77 Please.
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender asks the Englishman? why he is wearing a suit to which the Englishman replies, "To show pride in my appearance."
He asks the Irishman why he is wearing so much green, to which he replies, "To show pride in my country."
He asks the Scotsman why he's wearing a kilt, to which he replies, "Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away."
Sir, you have offended my Scot heritage!!!
# 66
3 guys where driving down a back road and the car broke down, they walk for miles and came apon a farmers house. Farmer can we spend the night and call a tow truck in the morning........sure but I only have one spare bed..........in the morning the man sleeping one the left side says I had a dream I was making love to a very beautiful woman, wow screams the man sleeping on the right I had the same dream.......When all of a sudden the man in the middle sighs.... I had a dream that I was cross country skiing.
Paul
3 guys where driving down a back road and the car broke down, they walk for miles and came apon a farmers house. Farmer can we spend the night and call a tow truck in the morning........sure but I only have one spare bed..........in the morning the man sleeping one the left side says I had a dream I was making love to a very beautiful woman, wow screams the man sleeping on the right I had the same dream.......When all of a sudden the man in the middle sighs.... I had a dream that I was cross country skiing.
Paul
#88
Two ladies were out walking their dogs on a blistering hot summer afternoon. They stopped to grab a bit of shade under a tree and noticed there was a bar across the road. One lady says, "What I wouldn't give for a good cold one right about now! Too bad we have the dogs with us." The other lady says, "Hey, no problem. Just watch me and do what I do." She pulls out her sunglasses from her purse, puts them on and proceeds to carefully cross the street.
The other lady watches and hears the doorman stop her friend and say, 'Sorry, ma'am. No dogs allowed in the bar." The woman says, "Oh I'm sorry but this is my seeing eye dog. I'm terribly thirsty and my dog could use some shade and rest." The doorman looks down at her golden retriever, pats him on the head and says to the woman, "Sure thing, ma'am. Go right on in."
Well, that was too easy, the other lady thought. So she puts on her sunglasses, slowly crosses the street and stops in front of the bar. She politely asks the doorman, "Is this a nice lounge where I might be able to get something cold to drink on a hot day like this?" To which the doorman replies, "It is but we don't allow dogs in there. Sorry." The woman tries the same line, "But you see, this is my seeing eye dog. He has to go with me where ever I go." The doorman looks at her dog and starts to laugh. "That's a good one, lady. You trying to tell me that chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?" Looking horrified, she replies, "Chihuahua? They gave me a stinking chihuahua??"
Two ladies were out walking their dogs on a blistering hot summer afternoon. They stopped to grab a bit of shade under a tree and noticed there was a bar across the road. One lady says, "What I wouldn't give for a good cold one right about now! Too bad we have the dogs with us." The other lady says, "Hey, no problem. Just watch me and do what I do." She pulls out her sunglasses from her purse, puts them on and proceeds to carefully cross the street.
The other lady watches and hears the doorman stop her friend and say, 'Sorry, ma'am. No dogs allowed in the bar." The woman says, "Oh I'm sorry but this is my seeing eye dog. I'm terribly thirsty and my dog could use some shade and rest." The doorman looks down at her golden retriever, pats him on the head and says to the woman, "Sure thing, ma'am. Go right on in."
Well, that was too easy, the other lady thought. So she puts on her sunglasses, slowly crosses the street and stops in front of the bar. She politely asks the doorman, "Is this a nice lounge where I might be able to get something cold to drink on a hot day like this?" To which the doorman replies, "It is but we don't allow dogs in there. Sorry." The woman tries the same line, "But you see, this is my seeing eye dog. He has to go with me where ever I go." The doorman looks at her dog and starts to laugh. "That's a good one, lady. You trying to tell me that chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?" Looking horrified, she replies, "Chihuahua? They gave me a stinking chihuahua??"
#22
Heard a joke once: Man goes into doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, Doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
Heard a joke once: Man goes into doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, Doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
Ok, heres one and I'll take #69 since Shades took my fav number.
Most stories like this are just that, stories. This actually happened to me.
Among other things, I support a specialized piece of software for the company I work for.
Some time ago, I met with a customer who was the typical technophobe but we got through it and the software was installed and user trained.
A week later, she calls me in a panic because the icon had disappeared. I calmed her as much as I could and asked her if she was in front of her computer. I figured it would be easy to create a new shortcut by going into "My Computer" etc. She said yes so I asked her to tell me what she could see on her desktop. She said a bunch of folders so I asked her to read off the titles. As she did so, I figured it was all work files. She confirmed that was the case but she could not see anything called "My Computer". I was a bit surprised so I asked her to look again to confirm that there was absolutely nothing else on her desktop. After a pause, she replied "well, there's a stapler..." on her DESK top!!!
I had to apologize to her because I was on my headphone behind the wheel so I could not mute my phone fast enough and she clearly heard me burst into laughter.
Oh, and a bonus one...
Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like collage students? Both are finished for the year in April...
Most stories like this are just that, stories. This actually happened to me.
Among other things, I support a specialized piece of software for the company I work for.
Some time ago, I met with a customer who was the typical technophobe but we got through it and the software was installed and user trained.
A week later, she calls me in a panic because the icon had disappeared. I calmed her as much as I could and asked her if she was in front of her computer. I figured it would be easy to create a new shortcut by going into "My Computer" etc. She said yes so I asked her to tell me what she could see on her desktop. She said a bunch of folders so I asked her to read off the titles. As she did so, I figured it was all work files. She confirmed that was the case but she could not see anything called "My Computer". I was a bit surprised so I asked her to look again to confirm that there was absolutely nothing else on her desktop. After a pause, she replied "well, there's a stapler..." on her DESK top!!!
I had to apologize to her because I was on my headphone behind the wheel so I could not mute my phone fast enough and she clearly heard me burst into laughter.
Oh, and a bonus one...
Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like collage students? Both are finished for the year in April...
#24
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad
is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next
week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was
an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry
and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This
was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the
first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this,
it's still in the crate!"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad
is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next
week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was
an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry
and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This
was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the
first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this,
it's still in the crate!"
#13
I used to tell jokes but then I took an arrow in the knee...
If it wasn't funny enough well here's another one : xkcd: Frustration
I used to tell jokes but then I took an arrow in the knee...
If it wasn't funny enough well here's another one : xkcd: Frustration
#38
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Had to post this George Carlin quote:
"Which brings me to terminal--another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel. And they use it all over the airport, don't they? Somehow I just can't get hungry at a place called the Terminal Snack bar. But, if you've ever eaten there, you know it IS an appropriate name. "
Okay, my number has got to be 3... and it is because my joke is a true story of it taking me THREE tries to get through to a client regarding cancellation of a contract.
We allow clients to cancel by e-mail, fax, or letter mail. About a month ago, a lady calls in screaming for me (top of the top for complaints, in the whole company) and she actually asked for me by name, so she must have done her research on an external website cause our company sites do not show my name.
The convo goes like this:
Client: I've been trying to cancel for over a year, and they won't let me!
Me: When did you first provide written notice, and what format did you use?
Client: Fax, first one was February 13th.
Me: of 2011?
Client:No, 2012.
Me: Okay, so you have been trying for a month and a half. We don't have the request on file. Could I ask you to resend?
Client: I did that already, in March, and then I sent a letter Friday, and faxed again today.
Me: It's too soon for us to have got the letter you mailed, and I can't locate any of the faxes. Could you perhaps e-mail it?
Client: I've faxed three times and mailed you once already, I don't want to e-mail so you can pretend you never got that either! You're all crooks!
Me: I will look into this and call you back within the hour.
I spoke to the administration office, and we found a blank piece of paper faxed and filed as "junk" on Feb 13th, and a blank from the day of the lady calling me. Stifling a giggle, I call her back.
Me: I found a blank fax with your fax number as the sender. Could I ask you to turn it around and resend?
Client: Can't you do it?
I am doing my best not to laugh out loud at this point. I give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she isn't stupid, maybe she thinks I mean the image is rotated 180 degrees.
Me: No ma'am, I really can't. We just got a blank fax. Can I just ask you to turn it over and resend? We still have not received your written cancellation request, and I need it before I can terminate the contract.
Client: But my fax machine said it was sent.
I am still trying not to laugh at this point, but it is really getting hard. Third try's gotta do it... right?
Me: I understand, but it sent a blank page. You faxed us the back of the letter. There is no writing on the side you sent to us. Can I please get you to try faxing it to the toll free number, but faxing the opposite side?
Client: All right, but you've got to give me a different fax number because the last three times I tried this, it didn't work.
She then faxed in both sides of the paper, with handwritten requests each side, presumably so I couldn't be certain of her idiocy, but I finally had what I needed!
We allow clients to cancel by e-mail, fax, or letter mail. About a month ago, a lady calls in screaming for me (top of the top for complaints, in the whole company) and she actually asked for me by name, so she must have done her research on an external website cause our company sites do not show my name.
The convo goes like this:
Client: I've been trying to cancel for over a year, and they won't let me!
Me: When did you first provide written notice, and what format did you use?
Client: Fax, first one was February 13th.
Me: of 2011?
Client:No, 2012.
Me: Okay, so you have been trying for a month and a half. We don't have the request on file. Could I ask you to resend?
Client: I did that already, in March, and then I sent a letter Friday, and faxed again today.
Me: It's too soon for us to have got the letter you mailed, and I can't locate any of the faxes. Could you perhaps e-mail it?
Client: I've faxed three times and mailed you once already, I don't want to e-mail so you can pretend you never got that either! You're all crooks!
Me: I will look into this and call you back within the hour.
I spoke to the administration office, and we found a blank piece of paper faxed and filed as "junk" on Feb 13th, and a blank from the day of the lady calling me. Stifling a giggle, I call her back.
Me: I found a blank fax with your fax number as the sender. Could I ask you to turn it around and resend?
Client: Can't you do it?
I am doing my best not to laugh out loud at this point. I give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she isn't stupid, maybe she thinks I mean the image is rotated 180 degrees.
Me: No ma'am, I really can't. We just got a blank fax. Can I just ask you to turn it over and resend? We still have not received your written cancellation request, and I need it before I can terminate the contract.
Client: But my fax machine said it was sent.
I am still trying not to laugh at this point, but it is really getting hard. Third try's gotta do it... right?
Me: I understand, but it sent a blank page. You faxed us the back of the letter. There is no writing on the side you sent to us. Can I please get you to try faxing it to the toll free number, but faxing the opposite side?
Client: All right, but you've got to give me a different fax number because the last three times I tried this, it didn't work.
She then faxed in both sides of the paper, with handwritten requests each side, presumably so I couldn't be certain of her idiocy, but I finally had what I needed!
LOL... i'm suprised u didn't laught at her lol, because i probably wouldnt have been able to hold a laught at this point
No number, as I am not in Canada, but I will share a joke.
So a man lives isolated on the frozen tundra of Alaska. He's lived there all his life, and rarely goes into the nearest town, which is several hours away by snowmobile. By rarely I mean once every 5 years or so, and then he only goes for gas and any other absolutely necessary supplies.
He lives on the land. He fishes and hunts as a means of nourishment. He makes all his own clothing from the hides of bears and other animals he kills himself. No electricity, no phone, no radio. He just lives a simple life, just like his parents did before him.
One day he fires up the snowmobile and heads out to check some traps he had set. After driving for about an hour, the snowmobile starts to smoke badly. He has maintained this machine for years, but this problem seems to be out of his expertise. So he figures he might as well head into town.
The trip takes him even longer than it did the last time several years back, when he had to go and stock up on gasoline and ammo, but he finally makes it, nursing the throttle to just barely keeping it running.
When he gets to town he pulls up in front of a place with several snowmobiles in front of a garage. A man walks out, waving his hands to blow the clouds of black smoke out of his face.
"Howdy Mister, seems you are having some snowmobile problems."
"Yes," replies the man, "it started smoking, I do not think I can fix."
"Well, I can take a look at it, but it is going o take me a while to figure out what is going on with this dinosaur."
"Dinosaur?"
"Why don't you go over to the cafe and get something to eat; I will come get you when I figure out the problem."
"Cafe?"
"Yeah, you know the cafe. The place where you can get some food or something to drink."
The man just stood there puzzled.
"Right next door, the building with the blue sign in the window."
"OK."
The man goes into the cafe where he is greeted by a waitress who hands him a menu.
"Haven't seen you around these parts. What can I get for you?"
The man looks around, " I live far away," he says, "I'm not sure what I would want."
"Well, we have some nice pies on special today...."
The man looks at the menu, but he has never learned to read - no need to. He looks around the restaurant and sees a little boy eating something soft and white. "I want what he is eating."
"Ice cream? You want some ice cream?"
"Yes, what he is eating."
"Alright then!" the lady says as she walks away.
She soon brings him back a bowl of ice cream and a spoon. "Enjoy!"
Well the man has no idea what the spoon is for, so he just puts the bowl to his mouth and starts eating. He really likes this cream, and is happy it doesn't taste as boring as plain old ice. He is gulping it down, making a mess of his face and hands. Before long he has finished the bowl.
As soon as he placed the empty dish on the table, the repairman walks in and up to his table.
"Well, you blew a seal."
The man hurriedly replies, "No, this is ice cream."
So a man lives isolated on the frozen tundra of Alaska. He's lived there all his life, and rarely goes into the nearest town, which is several hours away by snowmobile. By rarely I mean once every 5 years or so, and then he only goes for gas and any other absolutely necessary supplies.
He lives on the land. He fishes and hunts as a means of nourishment. He makes all his own clothing from the hides of bears and other animals he kills himself. No electricity, no phone, no radio. He just lives a simple life, just like his parents did before him.
One day he fires up the snowmobile and heads out to check some traps he had set. After driving for about an hour, the snowmobile starts to smoke badly. He has maintained this machine for years, but this problem seems to be out of his expertise. So he figures he might as well head into town.
The trip takes him even longer than it did the last time several years back, when he had to go and stock up on gasoline and ammo, but he finally makes it, nursing the throttle to just barely keeping it running.
When he gets to town he pulls up in front of a place with several snowmobiles in front of a garage. A man walks out, waving his hands to blow the clouds of black smoke out of his face.
"Howdy Mister, seems you are having some snowmobile problems."
"Yes," replies the man, "it started smoking, I do not think I can fix."
"Well, I can take a look at it, but it is going o take me a while to figure out what is going on with this dinosaur."
"Dinosaur?"
"Why don't you go over to the cafe and get something to eat; I will come get you when I figure out the problem."
"Cafe?"
"Yeah, you know the cafe. The place where you can get some food or something to drink."
The man just stood there puzzled.
"Right next door, the building with the blue sign in the window."
"OK."
The man goes into the cafe where he is greeted by a waitress who hands him a menu.
"Haven't seen you around these parts. What can I get for you?"
The man looks around, " I live far away," he says, "I'm not sure what I would want."
"Well, we have some nice pies on special today...."
The man looks at the menu, but he has never learned to read - no need to. He looks around the restaurant and sees a little boy eating something soft and white. "I want what he is eating."
"Ice cream? You want some ice cream?"
"Yes, what he is eating."
"Alright then!" the lady says as she walks away.
She soon brings him back a bowl of ice cream and a spoon. "Enjoy!"
Well the man has no idea what the spoon is for, so he just puts the bowl to his mouth and starts eating. He really likes this cream, and is happy it doesn't taste as boring as plain old ice. He is gulping it down, making a mess of his face and hands. Before long he has finished the bowl.
As soon as he placed the empty dish on the table, the repairman walks in and up to his table.
"Well, you blew a seal."
The man hurriedly replies, "No, this is ice cream."
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I would like #99
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel
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