Madvapes Weekly Contest - October 19 through October 23
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Everything a father needs...
Here is a really funny one I found a few years back. Thanks for the giveaway's.
My trip to Home Depot
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course
of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself road-kill
chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your
.... cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of
you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement.
Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was
unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as
'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets
that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could
take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in
a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned
clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing.
When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I
mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other
aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing
off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.
'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet,
laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the
grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my
God', floating above the toilet seat because my ... is burning SO BAD,
purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*****!, did it
smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his
nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then
ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
My trip to Home Depot
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course
of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself road-kill
chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your
.... cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of
you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement.
Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was
unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as
'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets
that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could
take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in
a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned
clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing.
When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I
mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other
aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing
off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.
'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet,
laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the
grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my
God', floating above the toilet seat because my ... is burning SO BAD,
purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*****!, did it
smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his
nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then
ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
5 night drunk
On the first night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a horse in the stable,
where my horse ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a horse in the stable
where my horse ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but a milk cow
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but a saddle on a milk cow
I ain't never seen before.
---------------------------------
On the 2nd night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a hat on the hat rack,
where my hat ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a hat on the hat rack,
where my hat ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but chamber pot
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but a hat band on a chamber pot
I ain't never seen before.
------------------------------------
On the 3rd night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a plate in the table,
where my plate ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a plate in the table,
where my plate ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but frisbee,
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but a pork chop on a frisbee
I ain't never seen before.
-------------------------------------
On the 4th night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a pair of pants on the chair back
where my pants ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a pair of pants on the chair back
where my pants ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but an ol' dish towel,
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but a zipper on an ol' dish towel
I ain't never seen before.
-------------------------------------
On the 5th night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a pair of boots by the headboard,
where my boots ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a pair of boots by the headboard,
where my boots ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but a butter churn,
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but boot spurs on a butter churn
I ain't never seen before.
------------------------------------
Thanks for another great contest. Good luck everyone.
On the first night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a horse in the stable,
where my horse ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a horse in the stable
where my horse ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but a milk cow
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but a saddle on a milk cow
I ain't never seen before.
---------------------------------
On the 2nd night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a hat on the hat rack,
where my hat ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a hat on the hat rack,
where my hat ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but chamber pot
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but a hat band on a chamber pot
I ain't never seen before.
------------------------------------
On the 3rd night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a plate in the table,
where my plate ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a plate in the table,
where my plate ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but frisbee,
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but a pork chop on a frisbee
I ain't never seen before.
-------------------------------------
On the 4th night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a pair of pants on the chair back
where my pants ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a pair of pants on the chair back
where my pants ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but an ol' dish towel,
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but a zipper on an ol' dish towel
I ain't never seen before.
-------------------------------------
On the 5th night when I came home,
drunk as I could be.
I saw a pair of boots by the headboard,
where my boots ought to be.
I said, come here my little wifey
and explain this thing to me,
how come there's a pair of boots by the headboard,
where my boots ought to be.
she said, O you fool, you drunken ol' fool
Cain't you even see,
Ain't nothing but a butter churn,
My granny gave to me.
Well, I've searched this whole over
A thousand times or more
but boot spurs on a butter churn
I ain't never seen before.
------------------------------------
Thanks for another great contest. Good luck everyone.
- Dec 18, 2013
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