"Make 'em laugh" Contest by Vermillion River
- Thread starter Old Guss
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no, thank YOU....loving the contest, and the funny jokes posted...
Post #6
"Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued."
"Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued."
Thank you for then contest Old Guss and thanks to everyone for the lol's keep them coming...<3
#9
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman repeats.
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly,
"You've got to keep your worms warm."
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman repeats.
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly,
"You've got to keep your worms warm."
CAJUNS LIVE A FULL LIFE
Swamp Critters
Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for
his every year check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How do you
stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"
“I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day", said the old Cajun.
"Dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out
hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and
wid my supper. And, I have a shot of de hard stuff afore bed time.
And, I say my prayers every night. And all is well wid me."
Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure the prayers help, but there's got to
be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said Pop is dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your father is
still alive? How old he is?"
"Pop be 100 next month," replied Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me
dis mornin', and den we went to a beer joint for a while and had a few
beers and dat's why he's still alive. He is a tough Cajun man and he
hunts and fishes everyday, too.”
"Well, the doctor says, that's great! But, I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you are 80 years old, your father is
100 and your grandfather is still living? Incredible! How old he is?"
"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer, too, but he
won't touch de hard stuff."
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your
grandfather went hunting and fishing with you and your father this
morning, too?"
"No, Paw Paw couldn't go dis time. He's gettin' married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why
would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"
Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted to?"
Swamp Critters
Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for
his every year check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How do you
stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"
“I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day", said the old Cajun.
"Dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out
hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and
wid my supper. And, I have a shot of de hard stuff afore bed time.
And, I say my prayers every night. And all is well wid me."
Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure the prayers help, but there's got to
be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said Pop is dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your father is
still alive? How old he is?"
"Pop be 100 next month," replied Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me
dis mornin', and den we went to a beer joint for a while and had a few
beers and dat's why he's still alive. He is a tough Cajun man and he
hunts and fishes everyday, too.”
"Well, the doctor says, that's great! But, I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you are 80 years old, your father is
100 and your grandfather is still living? Incredible! How old he is?"
"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer, too, but he
won't touch de hard stuff."
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your
grandfather went hunting and fishing with you and your father this
morning, too?"
"No, Paw Paw couldn't go dis time. He's gettin' married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why
would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"
Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted to?"
#9
A Sad, sad Day.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common sense lived by simple, sound financial policies: Don't spend more than you can earn, and adults, not children, are in charge.
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Common sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; also by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
A Sad, sad Day.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common sense lived by simple, sound financial policies: Don't spend more than you can earn, and adults, not children, are in charge.
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Common sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; also by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Entry #3
Gotta love glue
I like you!!! Apparently we have the same sick sense of humor
Number 6(I think) I should keep track better.
This is one my uncle told me. Took him 5 minutes to tell me because he was laughing so hard. After a 5 minute speech about how he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would be offended.
Two guys walk into a gay bar....
well, you were there you know what happened.
This is one my uncle told me. Took him 5 minutes to tell me because he was laughing so hard. After a 5 minute speech about how he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would be offended.
Two guys walk into a gay bar....
well, you were there you know what happened.
Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you"
I LOVE this!!
Texting for Seniors
Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes (LOL OMG e.g.). I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:
• ATD - At the Doctor's
• BFF - Best Friends Funeral
• BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
• BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM - Covered by Medicare
• CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
• DWI - Driving While Incontinent
• FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
• FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
• FYI - Found Your Insulin
• GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
• GHA - Got Heartburn Again
• HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
• IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
• LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
• LOL - Living on Lipitor
• LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
• OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
• OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
• ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
• TOT - Texting on Toilet
• TTYL - Talk to You Louder
• WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
• WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
• WTP - Where're the Prunes
• WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Texting for Seniors
Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes (LOL OMG e.g.). I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:
• ATD - At the Doctor's
• BFF - Best Friends Funeral
• BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
• BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM - Covered by Medicare
• CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
• DWI - Driving While Incontinent
• FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
• FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
• FYI - Found Your Insulin
• GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
• GHA - Got Heartburn Again
• HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
• IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
• LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
• LOL - Living on Lipitor
• LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
• OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
• OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
• ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
• TOT - Texting on Toilet
• TTYL - Talk to You Louder
• WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
• WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
• WTP - Where're the Prunes
• WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
A man on his way home from work stops at his favorite club. As he settles himself on a stool, he notices that a cow (of the moo variety) is tending the bar. The cow says, "What'll ya have, mac?" The man orders his scotch, and the cow plunks it down, then goes back to polishing glasses. Well, this guy just keeps sipping his scotch and staring at this cow tending bar....until the cow turns and says, "Hey, mac, you got a problem?" Not wanting to make the cow feel unwelcome, the guy hesitates a moment, then blurts out: "But where's the horse that's usually waits on me?"
#10
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. ... The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. ... The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, 'I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.' The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . . I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years'
Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, 'I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.' The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . . I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years'
#4
The Hypnotist Accident
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"sh it" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
The Hypnotist Accident
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"sh it" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
Last edited:
#10 and my last!
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"
The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.
Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!
And I'm done! LOL
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"
The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.
Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!
And I'm done! LOL
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