"Make 'em laugh" Contest by Vermillion River
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After suffering from severe depression, both my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday. Strangely enough after she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better and thought What the Heck! I'll try to make a go of it!
#4
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
School pictures. Very funny, that might have been me.
Awkward School Pictures - TODAYParen
Here is a sample:
Awkward School Pictures - TODAYParen
Here is a sample:
School pictures. Very funny, that might have been me.
Awkward School Pictures - TODAYParen
Here is a sample:
I'm so glad that those days are behind me!!!
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!!!
Dear Wife, Im writing you this letter to tell you that Im leaving you forever. Ive been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didnt even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You dont tell me you love me anymore; you dont want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either youre cheating on me or you dont love me anymore; whatever the case, Im gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. dont try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Its true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what youve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesnt work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look just like a girl! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you cant say something nice, I didnt comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wont get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I dont know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope thats not a problem.
Dear Wife, Im writing you this letter to tell you that Im leaving you forever. Ive been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didnt even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You dont tell me you love me anymore; you dont want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either youre cheating on me or you dont love me anymore; whatever the case, Im gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. dont try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Its true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what youve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesnt work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look just like a girl! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you cant say something nice, I didnt comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wont get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I dont know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope thats not a problem.
Post#4
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's .......ing goofy!"
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's .......ing goofy!"
#1
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
# 3
Two bankers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the bankers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their jewelry, wallets and watches.
While this is going on banker number one puts something in banker number two's hand. Without looking down, banker number two whispers, 'What is this?' to which banker number one replies, 'It's that $50 I owe you.'
Two bankers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the bankers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their jewelry, wallets and watches.
While this is going on banker number one puts something in banker number two's hand. Without looking down, banker number two whispers, 'What is this?' to which banker number one replies, 'It's that $50 I owe you.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Post #5
Presidents George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Mr. Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
President Obama was quick to stop him, saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Mr. Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'
President Bush replied, 'Go ahead... my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Presidents George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Mr. Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
President Obama was quick to stop him, saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Mr. Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'
President Bush replied, 'Go ahead... my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Post #6
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize...
http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/forum/members/dm-albums-555-picture54936-.......jpg
I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend;
he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize...
http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/forum/members/dm-albums-555-picture54936-.......jpg
I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend;
he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.
Post #7
If you are easily offended, do NOT read!!
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your ......ing willpower."
Top tip: If you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse. Apparently the instruction, 'finish off on her face,' didn't mean what I thought it did.
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes: "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
If you are easily offended, do NOT read!!
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your ......ing willpower."
Top tip: If you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse. Apparently the instruction, 'finish off on her face,' didn't mean what I thought it did.
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes: "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Post #8
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .. . . . .
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .. . . . .
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Post #9
Sorry ladies.....but...but...this is funny
*Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:*
*1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.*
*2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.*
*3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.*
*4. A dog's parents never visit.*
*5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.*
*6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.*
*7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..*
*8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.*
*9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"*
*10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.*
*11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.*
*12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.*
*13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.*
*And last, but not least:*
*14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.*
*To test this theory:*?
*Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see
who's happy to see you.*
Sorry ladies.....but...but...this is funny
*Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:*
*1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.*
*2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.*
*3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.*
*4. A dog's parents never visit.*
*5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.*
*6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.*
*7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..*
*8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.*
*9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"*
*10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.*
*11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.*
*12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.*
*13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.*
*And last, but not least:*
*14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.*
*To test this theory:*?
*Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see
who's happy to see you.*
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